Catching Up

 Lately, I have been wanting to get back to blogging. But, after posting only once a year for the past several years, I feel a bit out of touch. I have so much that I want to share, but you need to know what my family is doing these days. So, today I want to start with an update! Hopefully I can begin posting more regularly after this initial update.

The family as a whole - 

We are living in south-central IL. Paul and I have been married 24 years. The 7 kids range in age from 21 down to 5. We have 3 boys in public school. Only myself and the 5yo go to church these days. I still hold on to my faith despite the many painful church encounters that we have experienced. I am sad to say that some of the other family members were burned one too many times, and now they avoid church/christians like the plague. Others in my family may still hold onto a shred of faith, but don't really care to set aside time to go to church. As you can imagine, this situation causes me pain. I have been grieving this secretly for years. But, this situation is a major part of our family life. And, I have no doubt that the issue will come up in my writing in the future. 

The kids (this is going to be abbreviated to protect their privacy. They don't really love when I share things publicly) -

Rebecca (21) is at a state college in a nursing program. She also works in mgmt at a restaurant. 

Nelson (20) works full time as a cook at a restaurant.

Lydia (18) works full time at Walmart. LJ still has some health issues that are a daily trial for her. But, she is stronger than she used to be. She may need to drop down to part-time, because her body is always so tired. But, I am ridiculously proud of her for sticking with full time hours for almost 3 months now.

Joshua (16) recently left a part-time job that he started when he was 15, and he is looking for a new one. He withdrew from public school to do school online.

Josiah (14) is in public school 8th grade.

Jeremiah (12) is in public school 6th grade.

Nathaniel (5) is in public school preschool for a few hours each day.

Me and Paul-

Paul is still working in an Illinois state prison. He is a "corrections officer," a guard. His interests are reading and listening to podcasts. He really loves time with the kids, especially the 5 year old. (Nathaniel thinks Daddy is the best person in the universe.) Paul also enjoys deep thinking and questioning everything. He can be a bit philosophical and at times it hurts my brain. But, I try to keep up. 

I am not working at any paying jobs. But, I am involved in ministries at my church. I teach the college and career age group on Sundays. I am currently teaching a short-term ladies' Bible study on Wednesday nights. And, I am a greeter. I truly love my church. It is the healthiest, most stable church environment I have been in for years. It's a big church, and in the past I have been hard on big churches. But, I am thrilled to be a part of First Baptist Maryville. It has been a safe place for my heart to heal from past church hurt. Aside from volunteering at church, I am also trying to write more. Maybe some day I will actually get something published.  

Here are some photos. 

Soccer season - fall 2023. Jeremiah is our soccer player. As many of us as are able attend each game. 

Below- Christmas 2023

Every family photo session gets a few fun poses! 

Context for the last photo. I went from years of physical disability to remission. And, this fall I was able to play an entire soccer game with my boys. It was a really big deal!!!

Thoughts on Lent

    Lent is a season of focusing on the Lord in the days leading into our Easter Celebration. Lent is a 40-day span of time that begins the Wednesday after Marti Gras/ "Fat Tuesday.” The basic idea is some form of sacrificing our own desires to honor the One who sacrificed everything for us. (This year Ash Wednesday is February 14 and Lent concludes on the Thursday before Easter, also called Maundy Thursday, March 28) 

   

  If you are familiar with New Orleans in February, then you know that Fat Tuesday can be viewed by some as a day to gorge oneself on all one’s carnal desires before Lent requires them to set aside certain cravings. This would be an over-generalization of what Lent truly is, but it’s a starting place - for most people Lent means giving up something that you enjoy.

    

     I didn’t grow up participating in Lent. I didn’t have the foggiest notion of what Lent means to Christians until my twenties. And, to be sure, the meaning of Lent and participation in Lent widely vary across Evangelical culture. 

    Maybe the only thing you associate with Lent is fish fry Fridays. Some People of Faith choose to abstain from most types of meat on Fridays leading up to Easter. And, a fish fry becomes a great way to have fellowship and keep each other accountable to this practice. 

     Maybe you have friends who abstain from something for 40 days leading up to Easter, like chocolate or alcohol.

     It is my opinion that there is no right way or wrong way to participate in Lent. And, participating in Lent is not commanded in Scripture. However, Scripture does have times of feasting and fasting. And, the practice of abstaining from something you enjoy to focus more on your faith is typically a good practice.

     Some ways I have practiced Lent in the past were attempting to abstain from certain food or activities, such as: 

                 -sugar -  gluten   -tv   -Facebook   -listening to music 

                 -blogging   -screen time   -caffeine   -soda/soft drinks 

     I have also used Lent as a time to add in positive/constructive things, such as:

             -additional time for prayer 

             -daily Bible reading (like when I had 6 kids age 9 and under and I just could not seem to make                         time to get it done daily)

             -drinking a certain amount of water 

     Whether you eliminate items from your day or add something in, I encourage you to do it with an end goal of fixing your eyes upon Jesus. We are not primarily “doing Lent” for the purpose of weight loss or prepping our winter hibernation bodies for a swimsuit this summer. Our aim is to bring glory to God and to deepen our relationship with Him. 

     You may ask, if our goal is to glorify God, then why are so many of the Lent activities listed above focused on food. I have wrestled with that same question in years past. But, I think we all know that what we put into our bodies affects our thoughts, attitudes, and the ability to work/serve/love. And, your food choices may lead to body fatigue or brain fog that make it very hard to “take every thought captive” and choose not to give into the temptations you face. (see 2 Corinthians 10:3-5; 1 Corinthians 10:13) 

     The Bible teaches that our thoughts and attitudes are important, because they will influence our actions. (Proverbs 4:23; Philippians 4:8) I think that deep down most of us admit that to be in our best frame of mind to serve the Lord and love others, we need to be of good health. I am certainly not trying to shame you into making a drastic change for Lent. But, I would like to challenge you to think about whether there’s anything that is standing between you and your submission to the Lord - and maybe you could consider reducing it or eliminating it for the next 40 days.

     Lent does not have to be an “all or nothing” proposition. Unless the Holy Spirit is convicting your heart to do so, I am not encouraging you to drop all sugar or carbs for the next 40 days. Because, if you are like me, chances are - instead of focusing more on the Lord, you may end up completely fixated on your dietary regimen. Then, this tool to get closer to the Lord becomes your master. I don’t want that for you, and I am relatively certain that is not what the Lord wants for you either. (I don't know what is best for you. Pray about it, I trust that He will lead you in what is right for you.) 

     Moderation is hard! But, what if you were to make a baby step change to aid you in your journey of laying down your desires and putting God first? 

     I will be honest with you, it is in my nature to be all or nothing. And, the problem with that mentality is when I make just one mistake, I end up scrapping the whole thing. So, as much as I would like to say “for 40 days I won't eat sugar or look at screens,” it’s simply not realistic. I don’t want to set myself up (or set you up) to fail. I don’t want to be like the Pharisees mentioned in Matthew 23:4 who put heavy loads on people’s shoulders. So, instead of giving up all streaming services for Lent (which was my original plan) I am going to limit myself to a set number or hours to watch per week. This will still make an impact on my week! And, I am hoping that it will be so positive that I make another incremental change after Easter to reduce even more. And, instead of giving up all caffeine, I will reduce my intake to a certain amount of coffees or cans.

     Perhaps moderation is even harder for you than complete elimination - I get it! It is for me too, at least for the first few days. But, to continue long term, I need the grace to mess up! I was just contemplating this concept of grace for my mistakes during Lent - and really, that is what Easter is all about! We could not be perfect, so God sent Jesus. You may succumb to temptation before March 28. It’s okay! Just give yourself the same grace you give a toddler learning to walk. You pick yourself up, you say, “You did so good! Let’s try again!” And then you take the next step. 

     Here are some ideas that can start small. Perhaps consider: 

            -one extra water a day 

            -one devotional reading 

            -one scripture verse that you meditate on all day 

            -unplugging for a certain amount of minutes from your screens 

            -checking that social media account only once a day/hour instead of several times every hour

     Or, maybe as you have been reading this you have another nudge all together. For example, as I am writing this, a thought that just came to me - what if you try not to speak or dwell on your negative self-talk? (Including but not limited to: I am ugly, I am too fat/skinny, no one loves me, no one could love me, I am all alone, there is no hope, this will never end, I can never change, I am a failure, I am a bad mom, etc.) Or, when you do have self-defeating thoughts/speech, you have to spend 5 minutes doing something that builds you up (reading Scripture, Scripture-based identity affirmations, prayer, or journaling about what makes you think that lie you just said is true) 

     The options for practicing Lent are limitless and this is between you and the Lord. I am not your conscience, I am just a friend and encourager. 

    So, go in Grace! And, I pray this time of “fasting” is an opportunity to draw near to the Lord! 

 “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8

Forty-two and thriving

I am learning more clearly year by year that my health is like a three-legged stool. My mental health,

spiritual health and physical health are all so very intertwined. I am at a place in life where I am investing

in all three areas of my health and I am seeing the balance of my life level out. I know I have a long way

to go, but I have learned to be more aware of some of my health and sickness trends.

For example, when my physical health falters my spiritual side may grow, but it’s still not a stool that

seems solid enough to put weight upon. And, if my emotional health takes a side-step this will invariably

cause my physical health to be negatively impacted. 

So, with all of this effort to stay balanced, what does it actually look like? How can I say I am the

healthiest I have been in years?

In 2020, I started therapy with a licensed clinical professional counselor. I think that year brought a lot

of us to a breaking point that needed outside resources to begin the mending process. Those first six

to nine months of counseling were emotionally exhausting. And, though I felt emotionally drained and

physically exhausted, I walked about a mile every day. That time alone to walk and process all that I was

learning was crucial to both physical and mental health. I also knew that with all of the battles raging in

my soul bringing torrents of rain and waves of emotional turbulence that I needed a strong anchor.

The anchor of my soul is the Lord. I generally read my Bible every day and I pray all throughout the day. Allowing the words of Scripture to grow me, challenge me, encourage me, and strengthen me has been my ballast through many storms. Jesus has been my firm foundation even when my ship has been rocked. He truly is my anchor. (see Hebrews 6:18-19)

Yet, I continue to make mistakes. At times, I still let my gaze focus on the storm and I get tossed about in waves of self-doubt. I still lack patience. I still have to work to be gentle in my responses to my family. I still fight to be less reactionary to drama and conflict. I still have to work to use "my inside voice" when I am angry. But, I see greater growth than I could have ever thought possible! 

It seems that, for me, the right elements to health are: Bible reading, prayer, gathering with the church, high quality health supplements, walking, manual labor like yard work, soccer in the yard with my kids, talk therapy with my counselor, plenty of time with my believing friends, as much music as I can fit into my day, and time to be creative. I generously mix these ingredients to serve up my best self.

Does this mean I radiate with joy and sunshine every moment of every day? Not likely. But, I can say

that I am working hard to have constructive conversations in which I allow myself to express both

good “feels” and hard thoughts. I am trying hard to own what is mine to correct, but not own what is not

mine. (To explain just what that means would require a whole ‘nother post.) 

I have no desire to even attempt to look like I “have it all together,” because that is an image that I could not possibly live up to for more than a few minutes. I just want to be honest with myself in admitting both the triumphs and the struggles. I wish I could have learned that lesson sooner in my life, it would have saved me so many years of aiming at unreachable perfection.

I will be 43 in September and I think I am the healthiest that I have ever been. How can I encourage you in your health journey?

God made you YOU

I am an extrovert, this is definitely one of my core traits. I have been trying over the years to learn not to be offensive to my introverted friends and family. I have been learning not to be too loud or make a scene in public by laughing at inappropriate times. One thing I can’t seem to get on board with is the world’s idea that people shouldn’t talk to strangers. You guys, I admit it. I go to Walmart, the gas station, or basically anywhere and I often come out knowing a new person by name. And, for some reason people occasionally trust me with their life stories. No joke, it’s like the Gift of Gab meets the Gift of Being a Good Listener. Or maybe people can sense that I just really care about and love people.

I spent years as a “pastor's wife” in rural churches where those gifts were utilized daily. I got to love on people every time the church doors were open and I called people throughout the week. Our roles have changed in the past four years. Paul is no longer serving in the role of pastor. So, I’ve been trying to figure out where I can serve and use my Gifts of Gab and Caring.

At church, we have a Hospitality Team under the leadership of a woman that I greatly admire. She is an industrious woman who accomplishes more before 6am than most people do by noon. Seriously, I want to be her when I grow up. But, I digress.

On the hospitality team I get to serve as a greeter. My job description now includes the idea of being a social butterfly and talking to people before the service begins. What? They have a volunteer position where I get to talk to people? Sweet. 

It’s been such a great outlet for me to use the Gift of Gab without appearing too socially unaware. So, armed and branded with a nametag and a church logo mask, I flit throughout the worship center and chat with people as they come in. 

I have introverts in my family that hear what I do at church and they groan. “Oh gosh, Mom, what a terrible job, I could never do that.” But, I have been learning over the years that when someone says to me “I could never do that,” it may be one of my spiritual gifts or talents.

Some of my God-given gifts and talents (beyond being a greeter) are that I am comfortable with: opening my home to guests, leading a choir, singing in front of a crowd, leading worship from the front, playing my flute in front of a crowd, playing accompaniment for the singing, visiting nursing homes, praying for friends and strangers, laying hands on the sick and praying boldly for healing, walking up to a stranger at a gas station and telling them that I think God has a message for them, and more.

Now, that last one I mentioned… you guys, don’t glamourize that gift or despise that gift. My charismatic friends tend to glamourize/romanticize this and my Reformed friends are more likely to discredit me for this. But, here is an example. I was standing in line at the gas station several years back and I started noticing the man in front of me. He had several tattoos (mostly images pertaining to sailing, weaponry and vikings). It was as though God started highlighting them to me, and I saw a story come to the surface. I had that feeling in my gut that I was supposed to say something to him. Not only was I supposed to talk to a stranger, but I thought I was supposed to tell him that I had a message from the Lord. What? Are you kidding me?

I felt that it was obedience to follow the man to his car and share what I felt in my heart. I complimented his tattoos and started calling out what I had “read” from them. The guy was nodding in agreement, I had called out the meaning of the story in the tattoos. He felt like a pirate and the captain of his own soul. The hard part was, I felt like God was saying that He wanted to be this man’s Captain and be the Anchor of his soul. It was not fun in the moment. I knew that what I was doing wasn’t at all normal in America. And, as much as I wish this story ended with a conversion experience right then, it did not.

I still pray for that gentleman every time I remember this encounter. I truly believe that since God sent me to him that God is going to keep working on his heart. And I hope that he is a believer now with a cool story about how God spoke to his pirate heart through a strange lady at the gas station. I won’t likely know on this side of Glory, but I pray.

I say none of this (the whole post) to bring glory to myself. I mean, yes, I want to be known. Desire to be known and loved is written in the DNA of everyone alive and it is not a sin. But, when I tell these “I serve a great big God” stories I want the focus to be on Him. God is the one who sends His obedient servants to speak to the hearts of pirates. In Acts 9, God sent Ananias to go find a well-known persecutor of the church and not just speak to him, but pray for him. You guys! What must Ananias have been thinking?! We see in Acts 9:13-14 that Ananias told God he was not eager to go meet Saul. Yet Ananias obeyed and as a result he was a part of the process in which Saul became Paul. (Acts 9:17-18, and following)

God is at work to heal and to save human hearts and He lets us be a part of that process.

For me, that means I get to talk to people. I get to lean in and listen to their life story. At times I get to encourage and pray with strangers. 

What is your “I could never do that” gifting? Do you speak another language or work as an interpreter? Do you love babies and children and have a heart to teach them? Do you like to serve behind the scenes where your work is deeply appreciated, but rarely seen? Are you soft and people feel safe around you? Are you a good listener? Or a good public speaker? What has God uniquely made you to do? And, where can you do it? Home, church, walmart, gas station, your job, your best friend’s house? 

Whatever your gift is, I encourage you to use it. God made you “you” for a reason.

Balance 2020

Every year I choose one word on which to focus. It's an acknowledgement that I need growth in a certain area. As an example, two other words I chose in recent years were joy and gratitude. The words I considered for 2020 were Balance, Purpose and Priorities (hmmm, anyone see a theme there?). Little did I know what challenges faced me in 2020 as I tentatively penned those words in my pocket-sized journal.

How has Balance changed my life in 2020? 

Have you ever seen a Kibitzer Chair? We had one growing up. It's a three-legged chair that feels a little unsteady at times. Figuring out my purpose and priorities in 2020 to achieve BALANCE is a little like sitting on a kibitzer chair. In the end, it comes down to three things for me: spiritual health, mental/emotional health, and physical health. You can read a little bit more about my great balancing act of 2020 here. 

In general, we live in a myopic society that generally focuses on one discipline at a time. Don't get me wrong, I know that we all have seasons in which growth is slow or needs to be focused in one area. I'm just saying that what I am learning about myself is that if I focus too much on one area my kibitzer chair topples. 

How will you balance your priorities in the new year? Have you started thinking about a word or a Bible verse to focus on in 2021? How can I help to encourage you to take the time and energy to pursue spiritual, mental/emotional, and physical health in these next 12 months? 

One Hard Year

I don't know about you, but sometimes I let my current circumstances pour over into my faith. This has a way of making my faith falter at times. I want a FIRM FOUNDATION kind of faith that doesn't get weak in the knees at the sight of conflict.

Twenty-twenty has been a ridiculously hard year for many of us. Financial problems, bankruptcies, job issues, marital conflicts, sick family, increase in suicide. Everyone is touched by 2020 in some way. 

Has 2020 made you lose faith? Or has it forced you to grow in your faith? I am in the latter category. Metaphorically, 2020 has felt like a year-long spin class and my legs are jelly. How is it that I can keep going when life hurts so badly? What does it look like to keep pedaling?

For starters, I need to remember that I am not cycling in the trek of faith alone. I'm riding tandem with the Lord. There are days when I have no strength left in me to fight. No strength to pedal one more rotation. The Lord has carried me through some of the hardest days of my life this past year. Having struggled in the past with depression, it truly is amazing that I am still upright in light of how much I've endured this year. Without a doubt, God carried me through. But, I have my part to do as well.

There are some things that have fortified me on the hardest of days (in no particular order, they have all been life-savers). 

- Worship Music. Praise and worship music has gotten me through some crazy hard days. When I focus my heart and mind on music that elevates the Lord it becomes harder to wallow in my own pain. Let me know if you need recommendations for music!

- Bible reading. I don't even want to think about where I would be without constantly filling my mind with the Promises of Scripture. For one, God has promised never to leave me or forsake me. In a year like 2020, we need to remind ourselves of that promise daily! Bible reading and prayer are essential parts of each day! Can I encourage you with your Bible reading? Just let me know how I can help.

- Essential Oils - I had a hysterectomy the first week of March which triggered a major pain flare-up.   The pain was extraordinary, and after trying every pain management method that I had on hand, I had to expand my horizons. I enrolled with Young Living at the end of March. I was able to bring my pain under control with Panaway and the CBD muscle rub. In June, I added in NingXia Red as a 30-day challenge. The difference in my health was so profound that I just kept on taking 2oz every day. Since that time, I have added in oils for my mental health as well. I now use JOY and Inner Child every morning to start my day. And, I use Progessence to help me with my hormone health. Lastly, I added in CBD oil for anxiety. Send me a message if you want to know more about any of these aids to my wellness journey.

- Walking - One of my friends asked for accountability in her own health journey. She wanted to start walking a mile a day for 100 days. I said, "I'm in!" And I joined in her 100 miles in 100 days challenge. I am currently sitting at 91/100! But, I believe that - for me, all of the motivation in the world would not have been enough if I hadn't started the NingXia Red first. My body was depleted and completely drained, I had to get in some amazing nutrition before I could even walk one mile.

- Writing - My writing has not all been for public viewing lately. I write a lot and burn it (literally). It's been that kind of year. Journaling, blogging, Facebook posting. Pretty much any writing is good for my mental health. (One of my unexpected gifts this year was a new-to-me Chromebook. Someone gave it to us yesterday, that is why I am able to write a blog today!)

- Therapy - I started "talk therapy" this past summer. I knew I needed an unbiased outside aid to help me unravel the mess of thoughts in my head. Writing is great! Friends are great! But, the counselor is the missing piece to help me on my healing journey. We go to the doctor when we are sick, we go to a cardiologist if we need a heart specialist. Why shouldn't we also go to a counselor when we need to talk about the problems that we are facing that seem insurmountable on our own? Think of it as a different type of heart specialist. ;)

All of these things, plus the love and concern of friends, have gotten me through one of the hardest seasons of my life. I keep pedaling. How can I encourage you to keep pressing on? Send me an email at flutefelicity@aol.com 

Are you interested in trying essential oils? I can help you out with that too. Follow this link to either enroll with Young Living or to place a retail order. To enroll, click "get started" and choose one of the great starter kits and future orders are at wholesale pricing! For a retail order, click "no thanks" and continue to the retail ordering page. 

What is your brand?

The other night I saw a sign for a certain farm store in an unfamiliar town and it got me to thinking.

Even before I saw the sign, I recognized the store by its color scheme, layout, etc. You know how when a new chain grocery store, gas station, or fast food place is being built in your town - and you can identify the building shape and color even before the "Future Home" sign goes up?

In a way, for better or worse, Christians have branding too. For a long time my outer shell reflected a heart of legalism within. People I passed at the store were able to brand me - "legalistic," "ultraconservative," "home schooler," or "fundamental," to name a few. They recognized my outward adorning before they could ever get a chance to see my heart.

I am sorry to say that within the past month I saw my older teens avoid an aisle at the store to stay far away from conservative Christians with a particular appearance. My kids felt judged just seeing a family that they have never met. I am sad about that. Yes, we have been wounded by ultraconservative Christianity. Yes, we wounded others when we were in some of the most exclusive sects of Faith. But, that does not give us the right to assume that those outward adornments mean that an individual is unloving or dangerous. Like I said, you may recognize the outward adorning before you see a person's real heart.

This isn't just about people who wear long skirts, or head coverings, or long hair. Think about it. What about a linen frock? A sari? Or a Kippah (Jewish hat)? Or Amish dress? Or any religion/sect that dresses in a marked way?

As for true Christians, our branding needs to fall in line with John 13:34-35.

I give you a new commandment: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciple, if you have love for one another. HCSB

Our brand is LOVE.

I am not advocating for any type of dress in this post. I am advocating love. I am saying that we should live in such a way that people can see our hearts. In a world where a person is certainly not encouraged to "wear your heart on your sleeve," I urge you to let love shine.
Matt 5:16 says to "let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven." (ESV, emphasis mine).
So, according to that verse - people are to be drawn to God, through me. I am to be life-giving and preserving like salt, I ought not to repel people. And, I should act in a way to bring glory to God.

Granted, I am still a sinner. A forgiven sinner, but none the less a sinner. Not every individual action of mine will bring glory to God. However, if I live my life in a way that oozes mercy for myself and others (yes, giving my own self grace for my own mistakes too. Because if God can forgive me, I should be able to forgive me). If I live in a lifestyle of continually looking to Jesus to help me to love more, to grow more, to give more - that WILL bring Him glory. The trajectory of my life will be an upward, Heavenward motion. It should have momentum. That brings Him glory.

So, what are you known for? What brand is your Christianity? Are people getting to see your true heart for the Lord? Is it possible that you are letting external adornments prevent others from see you... or preventing you from seeing others? How can you live in a way that best brings glory to the Father? What good works are you doing in the world? Is your behavior and righteousness surpassing that of the Scribes and Pharisees? (see Matt 5:20 in its context)

I am challenged. I was motivated to write most of this out in my journal the other night after my Bible reading.
I am challenged. How about you?

Taking an ax to the log in my eye

I wrote yesterday that God knows us well. He knows me well and sometimes answers my prayers in ways that get my attention in a big way. Today was another one of those days.

The news has been full of hatred, violence and racism. I pray for our nation. I pray that we would learn to love. I pray that we would be stretched to let our love and compassion cover the poor, the "ugly," the smelly, the ones who don't look like we do, the ones who don't drive cars like we do, the drug dealers, the meth addicts, the rich, etc. I've been praying for myself specifically that I would learn to love people like Jesus does. And, I have asked God to show me my own blind spots and weak points. (You know... that verse about ignoring the log in your own eye, while picking out the speck in someone else's eye?)

This afternoon, I had to get dog food and a few other items at Wal-Mart. I had just picked up my generic gallon-sized zipper bags when an older guy spoke to me. "You are a woman. What cleaner has ammonia in it?" He came off a bit brusque, to be sure. And, since he was wearing a mask, I had no idea what his countenance looked like. (Generally I read people by their countenance more than clothes or physical features. I rarely notice pimples or crooked teeth, but I do see desperation, sadness, depression, joy, laughter, etc.) He was a white-haired, white guy with blue eyes. But, you guys, fear triggered in my heart. I forced it down with a little laugh (another safety and defense mechanism) and chose to find humor in his opening remark.

Now, you guys know I love people. I'm an extrovert. I often talk to strangers in stores or anywhere else. I like to make the world feel warmer by smiling at strangers. But, the mask triggered me. (When you are healing from PTSD, you have to know your triggers. It's step one to overcoming them.) I answered him politely, "I believe Windex would be your best bet." And, part of me wanted to walk away, but another part of me said to take the time to give this guy a few moments of my attention. I asked, "What do you want ammonia for?" He answered to spray on trash cans to keep the raccoons away. He asked me to help read labels and help him find the best product. You guys, I admit it, my fear went up another notch. What are his motives? What does he really want from me? My purse is on my arm - check. I don't have valuables or a child in the cart - check. I can see other people nearby - check. Yes, I actually thought through that in a flashing second before I walked closer to him.

You guys, what we have in this world is a sin problem. I love "little old men." Ask my family. I really adore little old men. I used to have so much fun serving my retired customers at Hardees. I have only good memories of little old men. But, I have a distrusting traumatized heart. You know that checklist I ran through? There is nothing wrong with having a safety check in your mind. Especially if you have been a victim of abuse, rape or violence. There are legit dangers in the world! (Our family has become even more aware of this since Paul has become a corrections officer.) What I am saying is that the world is full of sin.  It doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, white, or a person of color. We are all full of sin.
That's why we need Jesus! 

There have been times when I needed to ignore problems outside of my home and focus on my own healing. Sometimes living in "survival mode" for years means that I have to shut out all problems but my own. (And, I think that you can do that for a season.) But, some days you wake up and think, "I can't hide my head in the sand anymore. I can't stay silent." I mean this in many areas of life, not just racism - which I mention today because it is the news feature that currently reflects our need for change.

You guys, our world has a problem. Every day we see that people are full of hatred. Families dividing over politics. Friendships ending over gender-sexuality issues. Cities at war over racism.

There is fighting, division, and protest because there needs to be. 

All of us have safety checklists - and rightly so. If you are unsafe, you have to protect yourself, or flee, or have a protest to be heard. In our home, we continue to strive for love and acceptance of all types of people and situations. It's hard. But, I think having so many kids in my home will help with that. Kids see things from a different perspective - especially teens. Teens are constantly challenging all of the dogma and doctrine they have been hearing since infancy. Often they help us parents see where we have blind spots. We all have blind spots.

This post is not a quick "point out a problem and solution" type of post. We can't turn this ship around in one day. We can't fix racism or classism or any other ism in a day. But, we can pray for change. We can start with ourselves. We can hope for a better future for younger generations. And, we can long for heaven and pray "Thy Will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." I get all goose-bumpy when I think of Heaven. When we will finally see other people for their hearts/souls and not their skin color, wealth, or whatever else. We will worship together at the feet of Jesus. "Every tongue, tribe, and nation." 

Let's start now.

Analogy - Turn this ship around

First, I have an observation about our family, then my analogy.

These past few years of major transitions in our family has been quite challenging (you can be sure that is an understatement). Some of our major changes were: a move in August 2018, putting three boys in school in August 2018, New Baby October 2018, two major surgeries in 2018, one major surgery in 2020, corona-trauma-schooling... to name a few. In all of that chaos, some of our family patterns and habits changed drastically.

Family worship became non-existent. Boys got out of chores and my oldest girl and I picked up a lot of slack. Kids became disrespectful as I became too overwhelmed to deal with it. Etc. You get the idea. I don't need to spell it out, because you guys have all been there too. When talking to a friend a few weeks ago, I told her that I feel like our family is a ship that has been slowly going off course. I know that changes need to be made and that we need to turn this ship around. We talked about which changes I most wanted to see. And, I walked away being encouraged that I could begin to make changes.

Now you guys know me. I am ridiculously authentic on this blog. I believe that honesty in relationship and/or mentoring is the only way to see real growth. So, knowing me- you are all thinking, "oh no, Bethany went home and wrote a dozen charts and intends to change her family overnight." Yep, the thought did cross my mind. But, y'all, God is changing me. He is growing me. And, HE KNOWS ME. So, He sent me a message.

A few weeks back I was returning home from a socially-distanced night out at a friend's home. I drove home through the country in the deep darkness (no moon). I know the roads, though I admit to being a bit afraid of the dark that night. Anyway, I went over a one-lane bridge that also turned the direction of the road a bit. I did not see what was ahead until I crossed the bridge into deeper darkness. It was black. My headlights were on, but it was blackness. The road disappeared. Water. A creek had flooded and my 12-passenger van was IN the water. The road had completely disappeared beneath me. I'm not embarrassed to say that I called Paul in hysterics. I was sobbing so hard that he couldn't even understand me. I didn't know how to turn around! There was no longer a visible road! Y'all, I'm covered in goosebumps just recalling it.

Paul spoke calmly to me. He said, "it doesn't matter if you make a 40-point turn about. Move only a few inches at a time." I did as he recommended. (The water wasn't moving, I was not in any danger of being swept away. I just couldn't see the road and I didn't want to get stuck there... in the blackness.) I must have made at least 25 wheel adjustments. Forward, reverse, forward, reverse, a few inches each time. With Paul's calming common sense and a lot of prayer, I was able to get back to that one-lane bridge without getting stuck.

A few days after I had recovered from the trauma of that, God started working on my heart. I was praying about the changes I was trying to implement in my home. And I felt God nudge my heart, "Turn this ship around." And the image of my being stuck in the blackness making a 40-point turnabout flashed in my head. I hear you, God, I get it. I want to turn this ship around, but I need to be patient and calm and make many small, sensible adjustments. 

You guys, God is Good. And He knows us well. And, I believe that if we listen for His guidance and encouragement, He will send them. And, whatever the ship is in your life that needs turned around - God wants to help you with that. You can see change if you just keep making one small change at a time.   

June 2020 update

You guys, I don't mean to be a terrible blogger. I love writing. But, most of my past 20 months has been spent caring for our newest family member, Nathaniel. Nathaniel is 20 months old today. The complications of his pregnancy and birth are all a bit dim now, as I am chasing around this happy bubby!

I actually got on today to write out an analogy, but I feel like I need to write an update first... in the slim chance that I still have any lifelong followers. If you are out there - hey, guys! I love ya!

Rebecca, my oldest, just graduated homeschool highschool. We didn't have our diploma ceremony yet, because of corona-complications. But, I expect that we will get to that in the coming week. Before coronavirus, she was very busy working as a nanny and a house cleaner. We are not yet sure what she will be doing in the Fall.

Rebecca dressed for TeenPact

Nelson is 16 now. He loves camping and fishing. He's quite the introvert, so I won't share anything else about him here.

Lydia, who now prefers to be LJ in my online platforms, is almost 15. She's still battling chronic autoimmune stuff. And, we are still trying to get to the root problem of her fatigue issues, but she seems better this past year. She is using Floradix (over the counter) iron supplement and that has made a huge difference! LJ is a creative writer and artist. When "genius burns" we may not see her for a whole day...locked away in her room writing.

Joshua is almost 13. He will be a public schooled 8th grader next year. He has done well academically in public school, and most days I am glad that I sent him there. Joshua likes playing outside, he loves time with friends, and he wants to play football. (Yeah, I'm not sure I am okay with that.)

Rebecca and Josh -May 2020

Josiah is 10. He will be a public schooled 5th grader in the fall. He likes all things outdoors as well as gaming. Actually, that's all my boys. He is still my Happy boy.

Jeremiah is 8. He will be a public schooled 3rd grader in the fall. Jeremiah has a sensitive heart and is a bit more introverted than his bigger brothers. He loves to play outside. He adores baby Nathaniel. And, he's an all-around good kid.

Rebecca, Me, Lydia - May 2020

Lastly, Nathaniel is my toddler. He can run faster than I can. He can pretty much climb anything. And, he is trying to talk. He is body smart, so moving is his strong suit. Moving, moving, moving. He is one busy boy.

Paul is still working at the IL Dept of Corrections. He's been there since our move to IL in 2017.

I am not currently working outside of the home. I was a choir director for about 2 years, but resigned last fall. Now, I spend my days overseeing homeschool for my older kiddos and keeping the baby alive. Just keeping Nathaniel safe IS a full time job. (winks)

Just a quick update

(Update from June 2019 that never got published)

I can’t believe how quickly time passes! I meant to write more regularly after my last update nearly a year ago! But time slipped by as it always seems to do.

Time crawled by while I changed hundreds of diapers on our new addition. Nathaniel was born October 3. He’s now 8 months old. Nathaniel is a very happy baby! The last weeks before his birth were filled with appointments and angst due to pregnancy complications. It was our scariest delivery yet, as we almost lost both Baby and myself in labor. But, emergency C-section was a gift from God to save our lives. After a blood transfusion and two days in the hospital, I was sent home for weeks of post-natal bedrest...that I should have obeyed better.

Time rolled by as every day we sent 3 boys to public school on a school bus.

First and last days of school. Josiah (left) Jeremiah (right)

Joshua, first and last day of 6th grade 

Joshua before his final band concert

Time cruised by as we participated in another year of homeschool co-op. With hundreds of people crowding the halls of a local church. Voices buzzing, punctuations of laughter. Such busy, beautiful days.

Rebecca and friends

After a theatre production

Nelson and Rebecca after her play

Time sang past, as I continue to be the adult choir director at church. I took a break for Christmas before and after Baby Nathaniel arrived. But, went back to work in January.
Time strolled by as Paul and I celebrated 19 years of marriage in December.
And, time danced by as we spent time with family and friends.

(Added 6-3-2020: This update is quite dated. Sorry. I am no longer the choir director at that church. But, more on that later.)

August Updates

What a month it has been since I last wrote a post.

Moving update - I mentioned that we will be moving again. Even though we are only moving about 15-20 minutes away, it feels the same as when I was 27 and we made a cross-country move. Being almost 40 and pregnant has a way of adding strain to your body! We are part of a church with some amazing people who will come out on moving day and lend their help to loading, unloading, and cleaning. But still, these final days before the move are like crossing the “wall” in a marathon. I felt DONE weeks ago, but we have to keep pressing on.

Baby update -I mentioned in my last post that I am pregnant with Baby Boy Model 2018. Only 10 weeks to go! I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes two weeks ago. As a result, I have drastically changed my diet. We were hoping that diet alone would be enough to keep my blood glucose down, but nope. I started an anti-diabetic medicine last night. I will still keep to the diet recommended by my naturopath – no grains, no refined sugars, no potatoes, light on the sugary fruits. Going without my one soda a day and/or one coffee with sugar a day has been an adjustment. Some days I feel better and see a big difference in my health. Other days, I want to throw in the towel and believe that I would be better off with my Mt Dew and breads.

So far I have tried NOT to think about labor and delivery. This has been an adequate way of avoiding the fear of labor. But, after the move, I need to get serious about planning my birth experience (humanly speaking, of course).

School decisions – In my last post, I spoke of a decision to put some of our kiddos into public school. In the past month, there were changes (more re-routing) of that plan, but my three youngest children begin public school in two days. I'm an emotional wreck over it. But, I know that I cannot teach them this year.

Several people have suggested that I keep them at home and take half a year off for my health. I get that... but, the thing is, I do that about every year. And the boys education may be suffering. I did NOT say it is suffering, just that it may be. In past years we offered experiences and education to the kids that they couldn't have gotten in public school. Being able to go on “field trips” weekly rather than twice a year is great. Gathering with a co-op with a variety of ages melded together was very positive. Being able to travel to see my parents every other week was wonderful. Having a flexible schedule to work around Daddy's crazy schedule was amazing. But, still, I have to wonder if a year (or more?) in public school might add another element to their education that our home schooling cannot provide. Time will tell.

I took Joshua, my 6^th grader, to his first ever open building last night. The halls were full of tiny sixth graders learning to use lockers for the first time, finding their classes, and getting reacquainted with some old friends. Josh did great with his combination lock, and seemed confident about finding his classes on the first day. God fortified me and I did not cry during the whole experience. I kept a running prayer in my mind as we walked the halls and explored a new school. It is a scary time, but I have to trust that we are making the best decision for the kids with the information that is available to us now.

Josiah (3^rd grade) and Jeremiah (1^st grade) have their open house and meet their teachers tomorrow. It's certainly a new era for our family. But, I am trusting God to carry us through.

My oldest, Rebecca, is now in 11^th grade. She was hoping to enter public school but we were unable to reach a compromise with the school district about how to count her previous school credits. The school accepted NONE of them, insisting that they could only accept “accredited” curriculum credits. In the end, Rebecca decided to home school again. She will be working under the care of a veteran homeschool mom close to home. Rebecca will drive there several times a week to be instructed with their younger kids. She will be participating in our homeschool co-op again and she will begin the Tapestry of Grace curriculum that is offered through the co-op. (We have loved our Notgrass curriculum, I highly recommend it! But, it is easier to switch her to the same program being used by the family who is teaching her this year.)

The other two big kids, Nelson (9^th grade) and Lydia (8^th grade) are happy to continue learning at home under our roof. I will be as hands-on as I can be or need to be until the baby is born. Then, Daddy will be home on a family medical leave and he can take over. Thanks, Paul!

I can't think of anything else to report right now. As your family starts another year of school, or goes about whatever work is set before you – I pray blessings for you as I write. My heart's desire is to see Christian families THRIVE. May the joy of the Lord be your strength! God bless.

Current photos (kinda)

Joshua learning to play roller hockey

Nelson finished Brain Balance in Nov 2017

Me and Josiah - fall 2017

Artwork from homeschool co-op

Rebecca, Lydia, and Nelson at the YMCA skating rink (our home away from home)

Jeremiah; photo credit our friend Kimberly - January 2018

Nelson; photo credit - our friend Kimberly - January 2018

Rebecca earned her yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do through our homeschool co-op - May 2018

Joshua earned his yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do through the homeschool co-op - May 2018

Rebecca was a skunk in the homeschool co-op's production on The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe - May 2018

Nelson and me - in June 2018, VBS week

June 2018 - VBS week - Rebecca, Lydia, and Nelson

I want that elephant so bad! I just included this for the baby bump and the new haircut. July 2018

Josiah - July 2018

I tried to find photos of all the kids, but not everyone wants their photo taken (and shared). I am also not terribly savvy at finding my phone photos through Rebecca's laptop. This whole laptop thing is a new challenge for me. For some reason I couldn't find my photos of Paul or the whole family. That will be a chore for another day. Unless google has changed, you ought to be able to click on any photo to bring up the enlargements page.