A (word) picture to describe my chronic illness

Living with a chronic, invisible illness is awful. This is compounded by the fact that I usually don't look sick. The following paragraphs are from my "book" about living with chronic illness. (It's more of a memoir, really). I wanted to share this picture of disability. This is addressed mostly to people who don't live with a person like me, and they don't really know what it means to have a chronic illness. This is written in past tense, as though I no longer deal with this struggle. But, my autoimmune issues flare up often and I have bad days. I still struggle.

           I want to paint a picture for you to understand what it is like to live with chronic illness. I will use my husband as an example.
            My husband, Paul, worked for UPS for several years. For quite a while, he was in the position of pre-loader. He put the packages into the trucks. Sometimes he had to load as many as four trucks at one time. The work was fast-paced as well as physically and mentally challenging. It was like a big puzzle that had to be put together every night. When all the boxes were properly loaded he was tired, but felt satisfied in a job well done.
          Then, a horrible thing happened. Paul's discs in his back became herniated. He could no longer do his job with the same vigor. And, there was a period of time that he had to take three months off while his back healed. During that time, Paul struggled with feelings of uselessness. He wanted to be able to get out and work.
           This kind of situation is hard for a man to deal with. Men were made to work. But, it could have been worse . . .
           What if instead of just being stuck in his bed every day (which was hard enough for a hard-working man like Paul) he had to lay on a couch at the delivery center and see boxes and boxes piling up outside of his package cars? What if he had to watch while someone else tried to do his job, but they were just not doing it as well as he could have? Worse yet, what if he had to watch a driver pull away from the bay with the work left undone and boxes strewn all over the floor?
          That was my life (in 2014, when I was at my worst). I knew my job description. Mother: makes meals, tickles children, plays catch, washes laundry, does the dishes, makes child do homework (or in my case teaches school), kisses boo boos, keeps the house looking nice. But, I was unable to fulfill my role as mother. Sadly, I had to watch as jobs went undone, finished half-way, or completed once again by my eldest daughter. I had to live in my mess . . . forever seeing that I couldn't do anything to help. I felt useless. I felt like a failure. There was no where to turn my eyes to avoid seeing reminders of my sickness.
          That's one picture of disability.
          Add to that first picture now (Paul, on the imaginary couch at work, watching the work get done by someone else to a lesser standard than he could have done it) – What if he had gotten up and forced himself to work? What if he had a day where he had less pain and decided, “I would like to work today”? How would he have felt the next day? What would have been the long-term repercussions? One good day of work would be followed by many days in worse pain. This is the reality of what many chronically ill people suffer with day to day. The physical pain is one thing. The mental anguish is another.
  

Recent thyroid scores and health update

I received great news today about my thyroid health! My test scores were all the best they have been in a long long time! We may need to increase my current dosage just a tiny bit, but everything looks great. The blood test scores revealed that I am utilizing my medicine well. Perhaps that is why I feel so good!

It is mid-late November now and I can still function! Compared to past years (and especially last year) I am doing very well! I can walk. I can dress myself and bathe myself. I can cook sometimes. I can wash dishes. I can do laundry. I get up at a decent time every morning. And, best of all, my joints don't hurt!

This is a miracle! Thank you, Lord!

My current daily regimen is:

Levothyroxine 112mcg
Moringa (Zija brand still works the best for me... I am not trying to make money with it. I use it because I can't function without it.)
5,000 IU vitamin D
Selenium 200 mcg
Zinc (Chelate) 30 mg
GarliX, by Xymogen (4- 6/day - because I am still fighting the candida in my body from years of living in moldy houses!)
Iron (as needed during the month)
Women's Phase 1, by Vitanica (2/day)
Magnesium Citrate 200mg
Probiotic 50 Billion (or more if needed)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Chronically Sick Homeschool Mama: Makes Breakfast

source - wikicommons; Public Domain

I want to write useful information on this blog… both spiritually and practically useful. So, I am going to write some specific posts about what it looks like to be a homeschool mama when you are sick… and I mean really sick. (Though, these lessons could be applied to times of morning sickness as well as the chronic illness that I have suffered from.) Beginning with - HOW to make/manage breakfast when you are a sick homeschool mama.

(The following post was originally written in November 2013. I was sick then, but I became far more disabled before my remission in Spring 2014).

Right now, I am in a season of watching my big girl (age 11) make breakfast for our tribe. But, for years I suffered the horrible daily task of facing a hungry mob of kids age 4 and under who really could not do much for themselves. And, my list excludes store bought cereal because my kids respond so violently to refined sugar and grains. But, if cereal works for your family – by all means, utilize every short cut you can!

(Regarding food sensitivities and childrens’ behavior. It certainly appears, from scholarly research and my own life experience, that some food sensitivities cause behavioral issues with some children. I encourage you to keep a food journal and write down the food you and the kiddoes eat and your reactions to them. In my home, we found that certain grains make one of my boys present with all the appearances of ADHD. Being a sick mama with sick kiddoes is a whole ‘nother blog post… But, suffice it to say, do what you can within reason to keep your kiddoes well as much as is in your power.)

-         Pray and ask the Lord to show you what to make your kids for breakfast. Seriously. God wants you to involve Him in your life. He will answer you if you take time to ask and listen.

-         Plain yogurt with drizzle of honey or healthy jelly. Add fresh fruit on the side.

-         Oatmeal is your best friend. You (or your husband) can pre-make it the night before in a baked oatmeal recipe. You can throw together oatmeal “slop” even on your worst morning. (By slop, I mean plain old boring oatmeal. Use two cups of water to every one cup of rolled oats. Add a pinch of salt to the mix and cook on low.) For mama and six kids I make 4 cups of oatmeal with 8 cups water. When there were only a few kiddoes and they were smaller, I got by with two cups of oats. Add raisins, nuts, seeds, real maple syrup, or all kinds of goodies to spruce it up.

-         Eggs are a good go-to breakfast as well. You can scramble them fairly easily. And, really, cooking up a quiche is not all that more intensive than scrambling eggs. In fact, I think I prefer the quiche. Whisk the eggs, dump ‘em in the pie plate and cook ‘em. I cannot always add veggies, because most days these past few years I cannot cut vegetables, because my hand/forearm muscles do not function well. Buy pre-shredded cheese and add 1-2 cups in with the eggs. Or, if you feel like you have the strength to clean up the mess, have your kids shred the cheese… but I do not exactly “recommend” this.

-         Smoothies. Buy bananas on sale and freeze them with the peels off in a freezer bag. Buy frozen fruit. You can use store bought yogurt, store bought kefir, or pure fruit juices to mix in with the frozen fruit to make a smoothie. (If you are a truly sick mama, this is not the season of your life to try to make your own yogurt or kefir. Sure it might be “easy.” But, do you really need one more iron in the fire right now? Will the benefits or making your own truly outweigh the cost to your body and mind to make yourself feel like you need to make your own?)

-         If you have a condition that goes into “remission,” or you have some good months, consider freezer cooking during your good months. Just don’t overdo it, Mama! I know the temptation… you have one good day and you overdo it so much that you are laid up for the next three days… don’t do it, Friend, unless you have several consecutive MONTHS of health and wellness. Muffins, breads, and waffles have been a great freezer breakfast for my family.

-         During times when I felt less sick, I would make “hash” with sausage, store bought “southern style” potatoes, and scrambled eggs. 

-     Take a walk through the freezer section at your local grocery store. Those pre-made sandwiches look scrumptious! I never bought any, because it was cost prohibitive. But, it might work for some incomes.

-         Who says breakfast has to be “breakfast” foods?! Give the kids (preservative free) lunch meat and cheese roll-ups with a can of fruit. Heat up rice and beans (or any leftovers!) from last night’s dinner.

-         Jesus ate fish for breakfast (at least on one occasion). Cook up some salmon in the skillet. (This is one of our regular breakfasts nowadays).

-         If you have the money, consider buying healthy granola bars. Or, if you know you feel better in the afternoon than in the morning, make your own bars to eat tomorrow morning.

-         Natural peanut butter or almond butter and healthy jelly on healthy bread/toast. There were months on end that I can remember giving the kids peanut butter on Nature’s Own whole wheat bagels. The children started making this for themselves as early as age 4. Add a banana or an apple and it seems like a well-balanced meal to me! There were a few years the children and I nearly lived on frozen waffles and peanut butter for breakfast. It wasn’t ideal… but I had to do what I had to do.

I think one of the most important starting points is get the preconceived notions about “what a good mom gives her kids for breakfast” out of your head! You know your limits. No one else knows how you feel. You need to feed your children as well as you can with the resources you have (both financial and physical!). Ask the Lord to show you what you can and cannot do in terms of physical strength. Trust me, I speak from experience, the Lord would rather you feed the kids store bought cereal every day than wear yourself out by making an elaborate feast that will leave you depleted and open to the temptation to yell, curse, criticize, make mountains out of molehills, or whatever your vice is.

Don’t let yourself be bullied into making meals beyond your ability because you feel like it is what you are “supposed to” do! Too many moms are trying to live up to these expectations – most of which are unrealistic lies from the Enemy sent to destroy us.

What does the Lord say?

Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it
Than a house full of feasting with strife. Prov 17:1 (NASB77)

If you are hearing thoughts of condemnation because you did not make a “complete, balanced” breakfast that compares to a magazine cover, that is NOT the voice/thoughts of God!

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 (NASB77)

God’s primary concern is not what specific foods you give your children for breakfast, but rather your attitude while you serve them. Do you love your children? There are some mamas who put themselves under great strain trying to create the perfect diet for their kids, but in reality, doughnuts served with love and a smile would be healthier for your kids than eggs and turkey sausage served with a grimace and a side of discontentment and grumbling.

I hope you hear my heart on this. I can see times in the last ten years where I did very well. And, I see times where I was feasting with strife. I just want to caution and encourage other sick mamas from the trenches. I’ve been there. I am there now. But, fortunately, we made it through the days of having 4 kids age 5 and under. And, they all lived to tell about it. None of my kids lose sleep at night having nightmares about the days they used to eat frozen store bought waffles every morning for breakfast. Seriously. BUT, there have been seasons where my SuperMom gene was going strong and I tried to make elaborate whole food feasts that ended with kids and mama all screaming and/or crying. We do remember those days. Thank God that even those memories, when viewed through the proper lenses, do not bring condemnation. (Or, if they do, it is not from the Lord, and we can tell Condemnation to “take a hike.”) Your kids will remember that you served them as well as you can in your sickness. That is enough.

One last thought – your children are following your example, whether you want them to or not. Do you want your children to serve breakfast to their future families in the same manner that you do? There is time to change. Start today. Ask the Lord for wisdom and knowledge. He will hear you. He will answer you.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:2-5 (NASB77)

Chronically Sick Homeschool Mama (reposted)

Reposted 07-22-2014 (Originally written November 9, 2013, during a health trial that got much worse...)

After getting a decent amount of sleep I feel a little more equal to the task of writing about what is going on in our home these days.

I am a sick mama. I’ve been trying to fight it. I’ve been trying to disguise it. I’ve been trying to outright deny it (to myself). But, the truth is, I am one sick mama.

The symptoms for which we recently expected a pituitary gland tumor were these: both ears ringing. Loudly. Since October 8^th. Lactating, though it has been more than half a year since I nursed the baby. Drastic change in appetite. Terrible weight gain. Forgetfulness. Headaches. And more.

As I noted yesterday, the MRI showed absolutely no problems with my brain. This is good news, but not necessarily easy news. Hear me out… I do NOT want to have a tumor! I do not want cancer, or MS. I am NOT saying that it would be easier to be sick from any of those awful causes! But, for a few days I felt like (for the first time in eight or so years) I was justified in my sickness. You cannot possibly understand unless you too have an invisible illness like chronic fatigue, or fibromyalgia, or hypothyroid, or some other undiagnosed sickness.

For years I have battled in my own mind how to be a mama of all these kiddoes and homeschool while I am so very sick. And, yet, no one really knows how sick I am. I do not necessarily “hide it.” I flatter myself to think that I am one of the most authentic people you will ever meet. (Let that sentence in and of itself tell you of my authenticity *winks*)

Yet… I am a recovering SuperMom. I am one of that class of homeschool mamas that wants to represent the homeschool movement (and the Lord!) so well that I push myself beyond my breaking point each and every day. My body would say “sleep, rest,” and my mind would say “but the dishes aren’t done!” As though the dishes are more important than my health. To be honest, it has been as though for the last eight or so years of homeschooling, I carry a host of condemning voices with me throughout my day.

These voices (or rather ideas/notions) enslaved me as only the most brutal task master could ever do. I was/am driven to have a perfectly clean house. Driven to have the perfect diet. Driven to be the perfect mom and have the perfect kids. And, usually these condemning voices/notions came at me in the form of believers… not unbelievers. Comparing myself to the blogger mom with ten kids who appears perfect. Comparing myself to the books I read that locked me into this cage in the first place. Seeing myself (I supposed) through the eyes of Christians who choose not to homeschool and (I supposed) were always pointing fingers at me. On and on goes the list.

So, yes, I am unwell… But, I don’t think the biggest problem I am currently facing is my thyroid scores being the worst my doctor has ever seen… or my chronic vitamin D deficiency… or anemia… or adrenal fatigue.

Honestly, the biggest sickness is the one in my heart/spirit. Yes, I am a very sick woman – physically. But, there is an even bigger issue that I need to be healed from… the disease of comparison and condemnation.

Because, you see, I would feel justified being sick if I had a diagnosis of a brain tumor. I would have finally – after all these years – given myself permission to slow down. To be sick. To take time to heal. But, there is a place in my mind that is still wanting to be SuperMom. “What?!,” it says, “And admit you aren’t the perfect mom?! That you are sick?”

This will not make sense to you unless you have been there. I am writing this post to those of you who have been there… who are there.

I am done. I am done trying to be SuperMom. I REPENT of the sin of PRIDE!

I awoke from a dream this morning that I was writing for a newspaper. I was a featured writer on page two. I was brainstorming ideas what I would write about. My list was all ideas of what it really looks like to be a homeschool family… and to be a sick homeschool mama, at that. The Lord, I believe, was showing me that I have to be a herald for the truth. (Of course I am a herald for THE Truth, Jesus Christ, first and foremost!) But, I need to be a voice that is NOT adding further condemnation to mamas who are already burdened.

Lord willing, I will be a voice of one who tells you how to un-strap those burdens off your backs as I learn how to cast aside my own.

Lord willing, this blog will be better used than ever before (by me, the primary author) to exalt the Lord and help us Christian families to see ourselves as the Lord sees us.

The Father loves us. He sent Jesus to die for us. He wants to strengthen us for the journey one day at a time. We are His flock of chicks, He is the Mama Hen who gathers us under His wings. We are all brothers and sisters, as well as fellow soldiers, who need to link arms and hold each other up through the battles of this life.

There is something seriously wrong with a Christian culture that leads to mamas who feel like they can’t even be sick! And, it is not all “in my head.” I have had real life people tell me that I can keep going and do all the things that [she] thinks I was supposed to be. (You know, homeschool mama - teach three languages, teach three musical instruments, and so forth…) I have had others who told me that I am not sick at all… I just need to “overcome” and press on.

Sick Mamas, we WILL overcome! But, overcoming might mean that in your sickness you learn to tame your tongue, you learn to let yourself be sick, you learn to be patient and content in all circumstances while the Lord is at work to conform you into the image of His Son while you participate in a small sampling of His sufferings. You WILL overcome. We WILL be more than conquerors. But, that might mean that you will remain in your sickness a bit longer while the Lord does His Perfect Work in your life.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18 (NKJV)

Health Update - Bethany's Brain

Last week I went to a new doctor to see if I might get a new perspective on some of my health issues. My hypothyroid condition has been particularly out of control lately, and we are trying to put all the pieces of my health puzzle together. Also, we recently found out through blood work that not only was my thyroid score literally off-the-charts hypothyroid, but I am still terribly vitamin D deficient as well. (My end of Summer vitamin D score was far worse than my January mid-winter score last year!). So, I had some concerns about my health. Also, I am no longer taking NatureThroid as it turns out I am "sensitive" to pork and I felt better after discontinuing the medicine than I felt the nine months I was on it.

Meanwhile, I was seeing many of my health symptoms spiraling out of control. Paul said that I am in the worst health he has ever seen in me... this includes my bouts of disability... so, that says a lot... I am  NOT currently disabled. But, I see some patterns that, if not nipped in the bud, could potentially go that direction. My hands are not able to hold a pen most days. (I am able to type easily.) But, it hurts to play piano. I cannot comfortably lift up my arms to comb or arrange my hair... etc.

So, I went to a new doctor. And, she picked up on a number of symptoms that she thought correlated and took a blood test (among others) to check my prolactin level. I asked her what she was checking for and she said "pituitary gland tumor." I did not freak out. I actually thought, "yeah... that would certainly explain some things..."

Then, Monday we got the results of the blood work. My prolactin is quite elevated and I need to have an MRI done tomorrow to check for a tumor in my pituitary gland. I spoke to my naturopath today as well. And, he also now suspects to see a prolactinoma on the imagining tomorrow. My naturopath was very encouraging, telling me that he has treated this condition successfully before. In fact, he said that he has seen great results simply from eliminating gluten from the diet. (Yes, I was gluten free for a while, but we recently reintroduced grains in abundance as an attempt to cut back grocery expenses.) My doctor did not say that prolactinoma is caused by gluten sensitivity, but he did strongly state that gluten can/does exacerbate the condition. So, it looks like I will be going GF again. (At the very least)

Neither of my doctors expects that this tumor (which we expect to find) will be malignant. Pituitary gland tumors are generally benign. Neither does either doctor expect this health concern to be at all life threatening. And, to be honest, I never feared that. My anxieties were always more along the line of, "IF I have to ... THEN who would watch the kids/homeschool the kids/cook/clean/etc..." Rebecca is amazing! She is the momentum that keeps this family in motion right now (humanly speaking). She is stepping up as little mama in a big way! And, she is feeling the physical strain. She is quite tired.

I will let you know the results of the MRI as soon as I am able. I think at this point we would all be surprised if it is NOT a tumor... but you just never know. Last week a brain tumor was not even in my foggiest ideas for my future. Now, I am talking about it like it is a certainty. But, we do not know anything for sure yet, except that my prolactin score was high.

Now, knowing that these types of posts (on my blog) get more hits than anything else, I feel obligated to say that I HAVE PEACE, Friends! And, you can too! I can trust in the Lord no matter what is going on with my thyroid health, my vitamin D level, my pituitary gland tumor etc. I am clinging to several verses of Scripture throughout this ordeal and all the others of this past year. With my health and Paul's health. With Paul's job loss and everything else we have faced - we CAN and we DO have peace. We have moments of weakness, but we CAN have peace!

Here is a small sampling:

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:29 
For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

Psalms 57:1-2 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
    for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
    till the storms of destruction pass by.
² I cry out to God Most High,
    to God who fulfills his purpose for me.

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.

God is fulfilling his purposes for my life. And one of His ultimate purposes is to conform me to the image of His Son. Whether you believe that God "allows" bad things to happen or whether He has "ordained" bad things to happen-- God WILL use all circumstances in my life for my good and for His glory. We can have peace.   

To God be the Glory. 

More dietary changes

We went to the naturopath yesterday afternoon. He is optimistic... but I will have to make some more (severe) changes to my diet.

I already knew that he wanted me to eat more protein. So, that was not a shock. The new concern is that I need to stabilize my blood sugar. He said that I "traded one sugar for another." He thinks that a big reason that I was doing so well a few weeks back then plummeted was because I started eating so much breads and starches. So, I need to try to eat even more veggies than I already am. And, I will cut out some carbs (breads and pastas) and starches (corn and white potatoes).

Also, there is a huge possibility that my fatigue and joint pains flared up because I was de-toxing too quickly. I introduced more fruits and veggies than my body had seen in a long time. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks and my body just could not expel the toxins quick enough. So, I am going to keep trying to drink 3 qts of water a day. And, I am going to do warm water enemas to help continue to detoxify. (Once a week. Water only because I am nursing.)

In addition to these we added a few supplements. I still have the candida overgrowth from years of bad diet and years of black mold exposure. I am going to be taking mega doses of probiotics and anti-fungals (garlic!) to try to clear that up. I am also taking a few herbals for hormone balance. And, he is giving my big doses of vitamin D3 to get me caught up to where I should be.

We are hopeful that I will see some positive changes very soon!

Aggravating Vit D scores (and other test results)

The nurse just called with my test results from Tuesday's OB appointment.

Thyroid stuff - normal
Glucose Test - NOT diabetic 
Iron - normal

Vitamin D - This one is irritating me big time. Two months ago, my score was 28. So, we doubled my dosage of vit D3. Then, last month, my score was toxic at 210. So, she had me go back to my original dose (5,000IU/day). This week's score was back down to 34. I am very frustrated! I am chronically vitamin D deficient... except for the month of September?! Did I mow more? Was I outside more? Was I in the garden more? I know that each day that I was to be tested I did not take the vit d. Or did I forget in September and take it the day of the test? I suppose it is possible... I do have "pregnancy brain." If my score is only 34 now - what will happen this winter. ARGH! Will I ever be well again?

I gotta get my vitamin D reserves stronger, so that I can fight off the flu this year. (Last year I had pneumonia and the flu, but I was not connected to the internet to whine about it tell you all.) Other than eating more meat and meat fat products (like dairy) what do you recommend? What has worked for you? What supplement do you take? Maybe I should change brands? Have you found that the expensive health food store brands work better? Right now, I am using a cheap brand... but I know Paul would switch me over in a minute, if he thought that the more expensive ones work better! (My hubby is great! He splurged on New Chapter Organic Whole Foods prenatal vitamins last week! I am taking these instead of my SuperMom vitamins, because the New Chapter vitamins are smaller and easier to swallow.)

OK. That was my little temper tantrum. I will try to hold myself together now. :0)
Please pray for my body as I continue in this pregnancy (and especially when winter comes!!!)

Health Update

I do not mean to whine. This is just meant to be honest. Please pray for us.

For now - I am not sick... but this has been a rough pregnancy. Paul would tell you that this has been my most difficult pregnancy yet. The first few months were sickness, fatigue, and headaches (though we did learn after a few months that the headaches were from that dumb smart phone.) These last few months, my second trimester were decent. No sickness. But, still - very tired. I was extremely vit D deficient... then I went extremely toxic. Now, we are trying to balance back out. And, my thyroid is going haywire as well. (You can really appreciate the phrase "haywire" if your father-in-law has a square-baling hay business...using an old John Deere baler...)

I feel pretty badly most of the time. I am reading a LOT and playing on the blog. I cannot walk up the stairs without great fatigue and shortness of breath. I cannot lift my arms over my head for more than a moment. Rebecca and Paul do all of the cooking. I do only a little of the clean-up... not much at all. I am not disabled like before... just fatigued to the point of inability to function. Paul bought me some expensive health-food-store prenatal vitamins today. He is truly hoping that either these vitamins will help or the Lord will reach out and heal me.

For now... well, I am terribly grumpy because I can't do anything. The messy house gets on my nerves. The piles of dishes and laundry get on my nerves... and I can't do a thing about it.

Is that honest enough? I really am not trying to be whiny to get attention. I deliberately have kept my health comments to a minimum. But, I know that some of you are true prayer warriors, and I need your help. We hope that God restores my strength soon!!!


The praise report in this is that due to my great sickness/fatigue Rebecca has become quite independent in the kitchen. She can follow recipes by herself and cook whole meals without help. God has been very good to me!

Uncondemned

(5-7-2013 Mostly unedited. I am letting these raw emotions stay in print. I have moved beyond many of these concerns now. This was written during a very difficult transformation! I appreciate my authenticity here, and I pray that it helps other get through their transition times. I am now on different hypothyroid medication as well as hormone replacement therapy for female hormones and adrenal issues. I am much more able to function than before. I physically sick, but I am getting better. I am also more spiritually well. This has been our best, most consistent year of homeschooling yet. I believe that each year we will all improve. Lastly, In this post I mention being angry. I am no longer angry.) 

Failed.

As a homeschool mom I think I have failed. I know, I know, “it is all a matter of perspective.”

But, I think I am uncovering another Christian lie…

I have homeschooled all of my children from the beginning. Rebecca was started very early with letter recognition, phonics, and writing. I began using Veritas Press curriculum with her at age 4. At that time I began Saxon 1, but she was not ready. No big deal… I would try again the next year.

I had years of happy homeschooling planned in my head. But, unbeknownst to me, each pregnancy, each birth, all the breast-feeding would take a huge toll on my body. When Becca was 5, I started showing signs of some kind of debilitating we-knew-not-what. We got my thyroid tested every few months and it was always, always out of whack. We just assumed that if I could ever get my thyroid medicine regulated I would be just fine.

Then, in winter of 2007 leading into Spring 2008, I started having extreme pains in my hands and joints. I could no longer cut my own steak. I could not pour Paul’s coffee. It was in the early Spring of 2008 that I was first diagnosed with vitamin D deficiency. I had a 15 week treatment that made me feel healed. I could walk, run, work, play, etc without any pain or fatigue.

… Then, we moved to MO. And, that winter I had my worst-ever (to date) bout with disability… real disability. Winter 2008 going into Spring 2009 I could not hardly even walk. I could not button my own shirts or tie my own shoes. All through this time, I kept on trying to homeschool the children. We have a conviction that children should be educated from a God-fearing world view. In MO, children are not mandated to education until they are 7, so even though I had started schooling Nelson at the Kindergarten level in 2007, I did not feel too concerned that the government would intervene if he was a little behind in some areas.

I read a lot of other bloggers who homeschool in a variety of manners, and I began to like the idea of “unschooling.” Don’t panic, Mom and Dad, it isn’t as bad as it sounds. It simply means that rather than follow a rigid curriculum you have more of a “strike while the iron is hot” mentality. In some ways this worked out great! The kids wanted to learn about stars, so we would get dozens of books at the library. The kids wanted to write letters to friends, so we would work on writing. And so on. The problem was that children are not by nature self-disciplined. So, unless you force them to study every subject – they won’t. And, as it turns out, my kids hate math. At least they HATED Saxon math. I stuck with it, because I know that even public school teachers have respect for Saxon math (a bad motivation by the way). Anyway, while we worked on reading and writing most every day (even during my disability) we rarely did math.
The following Spring I saw improvement. Then, the winter 2009 Josiah was born. All went well for a few weeks… but then the general fatigue of winter set in (along with post-partum fatigue and months of bleeding). I knew that we were terribly behind in math, but still had hopes of getting caught up.

ENTER THE LIE ---

Throughout my last few years of homeschooling, fighting this recurring winter disability, I have occasionally shared with a few people that I was “behind” in schooling the children. Almost all Christian homeschooling moms gave the same answer – “DON’T EVER SAY YOU ARE BEHIND!” They would go on to tell me that the very purpose of homeschooling is to do things my own way, and not feel pressured by the way “the World” does things. And, it usually comes across as a rebuke. If I admit to being behind (which I really, truly was) then I was in error for caring too much about the way the World does things, and comparing myself too much to government-run schools.

Fast forward to this summer (today, even) –
I am completely overwhelmed. My eldest is a few school grades behind in math. I think in all other areas she is fine (or even advanced). And, Nelson is half a grade behind in math. He also is not really reading well yet. The children are not the problem! They were just being kids! The problem was, I was too tired to force them to do work they did not want to do and teach lessons to kids who were scowling at me. I just could not do it. Judge me as you will. Say I am faking my sickness if you want. You can even rebuke me as one local Christian Super Mom did that “you could get up in the morning if you want to. You just have to do it.” I am still working through the scars left by this rebuke. But, it isn’t just her… it’s in a lot of our Christian books and blogs too. There is a tremendous amount of pressure on moms (especially homeschooling moms) to get the job done – and get it done well.

So, where are we at today?

Confused. Hurting. Angry.

I am angry that so many Christians caused me to feel that I would be in better standing with the Lord if I homeschooled my kids. And, I am angry at the types who say such things as “if the Lord gives you the conviction, He will supply the strength you need to follow through with it.” (Well, I don’t think that philosophy is a lie, but I think that forcing people in homeschooling – or having umpteen babies - when they might very well be too sick is unkind.) I formerly had the conviction to bear as many children as the Lord gives me. I LOVE my kids. And, I would not trade a single one of them. However, my body is completely depleted. I am always exhausted. I have a chronic vitamin D deficiency. My thyroid disease is always going crazy (up and down, up and down). Some mornings I cannot even get out of bed. No, I really can’t. I am not exaggerating… I really can’t. And, I finally admitted to Paul a few weeks ago that I can’t homeschool the kids anymore… at least not all of them.

So, we called the Christian school that is run by the church that we attend. It costs $5000 a year per child… well, there is a discount for members (if we were official church members)… and there is a multi-child discount… and they might be able to give us $1000 in tuition assistance. But, that still leaves a fee far greater than we can come up with every month. No, I cannot cut back the budget anywhere. We are already behind on several other bills.
What’s more – in talking to the principal of the school (who is also one of the pastors at our church), I was told that we would have to do a placement test. They told me that my eldest who is old enough to go into fourth grade would have to pass every subject at that level. We talked in depth, and I was honest that she was “behind” in math… but not because she is “slow,” but because of my health. Well, he said that she would have to be in a special learning lab for as long as it took to get caught up in that subject. Every day she would leave her class and go to the “independent learning center” for tutoring.

So, even if we could afford private school Becca would have a trying couple of years as she had to get caught up.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty if my kids were dumb. But, they aren’t. My kids are very bright. It is entirely my fault that they are behind.

Now, I am braced for all kinds of rebukes. I have already heard some from real-life people who tell me that it is not good for my kids’ self-esteem to be talked about as “being behind.” You might be right in that… but it IS the truth. Would you prefer that I lie to them, let them take the placement test and be told by the principal that they are “behind?” I think not.

Then today, Paul brought up sending the kids to public school. One of the pastors at church – who seems to care greatly about our family and my health limitations – has been encouraging Paul to send the kids to public school for my sake. And, honestly, I feel awful! I feel like a complete failure. I let my kids down. I let my husband down…

OR DID I? Who is it that is heaping this condemnation upon me? Is it from the Lord? I think not. There is no condemnation in Christ. So, who is causing me to feel condemned?

I admit it – I am angry with all the people (beginning years ago with a book by Douglas Wilson) who built a seemingly solid case for “all Christians should send their kids to Christian schools or home educate them.” These people have heaped years of difficulty on my life. Let me qualify – I love the idea of homeschooling! I even WANT to do it! But I can’t. As of today, it looks like our options are 1) move to the South, because maybe year-round sunshine would cure my winter disability; or 2) send a few kids to public school.

Oh, I am so confused! What would THE LORD have me to do? Not Doug Wilson, not Doug Phillips, not Voddie Bauchum – but the LORD. His opinion is the only one that matters. (His and my husband’s, of course ~ smiles)
Lord, what would you have me to do? I know that you see my health as it truly is, and I stand before you uncondemned. But, before my Christian, homeschooling friends I feel nothing but shame and condemnation. Before them, I see myself as a failure. Oh, please, Father, let me see myself only through Your eyes! Help me to block out all other opinions but Yours. Show me and Paul what to do. Show us where Your Word ends and legalism begins. Show us the difference between Your rules and man-made rules. And, show us the Truth where we have been believing lies.



Last but not least,
Friend, I can tell you for sure this one thing – IF you think that you are in better standing before the Lord because you homeschool your children you certainly are deceived. Your right standing before the Lord was purchased through the blood of Jesus Christ. All Christians are of equal standing before the Lord, because He sees His Son covering all of our sins (Praise be to GOD!). There is nothing you can do to gain a better place before Him… He has already done it all!

In this I find peace amidst the storm.

Whatever we do – it will all be okay. We cannot fail Him, because our mistakes will be covered by the blood. We will try our best to obey Him, knowing that we will sometimes fail. And, that’s okay. Because God LOVES us anyway! He loved us while we were yet sinners! He loved us while we were His enemies!

In this I find peace amidst the storm.

Praise be to God.

The Naturopath (01-08-2011)

(Reposted: 5-8-2013. Unedited. Cannot remember why I removed this post???) 

I am at the library in Tiger Town... I feel like I have done something complicated, by learning how to reserve and use a computer. (Don't be too impressed. I said I feel like I have done something. I see little kids using computers, so it can't really be that hard.)

I wanted to give you all an update on my health (first and foremost). And, if there is time remaining in my short 60 minute reservation, I will no doubt find other things to chat about.

I first saw my naturopath in early December. We did a heap of labwork (blood, urine, and saliva) to get to the root of all my problems. I finally got to go back to get my results last week. (My family has been sick for a month straight. We used to think that vitamins and supplements were keeping us healthy, now I just think we were staying well because we lived so far from town.)
The results:
- Adrenal Fatigue
- Vitamin D deficiency (still...)
- building a kidney stone
- average inflammation
- iron shortage (though I am not anemic)
- decent thyroid scores

The treatment, in short: I am taking many new supplements for the adrenal fatigue. I am taking a new (and better) Vit D3. I was put on new kind of dietary plan which include more protein and fiber. I am taking HCL for my digestion - in part to help me absorb all these new supplements. I should be feeling an immediate change in my energy levels!!!

Also, after a month of adrenal support treatments, the doc wants me to do some detox/cleansing. Due to my moldy house (which we recently moved from) I have a lot of issues...

The best news of all - My testing showed that I AM NOT intolerant to: gluten, casein, soy, or dairy!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

(Ach! Only 33 minutes left!)

Paul's job - Paul quit his job at Sears. It was a GOOD decision. I don't want to get into all the reasons why right now. Just trust me, it was the RIGHT thing to do.
He recently "put a bid" on a handfull of full-time positions with UPS. Some of the bids were for full-time driving positions within the district, but FAR from Tiger Town. Some of these positions would require a move, if he got the bid. But, it would be worth it financially.
If he does not get any of these full-time bids, he will resume looking for local part-time work to supplement UPS until it does go full-time.

The kids -  They have each been sick. Lydia was very sick for a while. But, they seem to be getting stronger now. No one is sick today. We plan to all go to church tomorrow for the first time in over a month.
- Rebecca is reading very well.
- Nelson is learning to read.
- Lydia is learning phonics.
- Joshua is a bright little three-year old... that means he's trouble ; )
- Baby Josiah is one now. He is walking some. He is cute and sweet and always hungry!

That is about all the update I can squeeze in today. Paul was here at the library a few days ago and looked at some of your blogs. I hope to get back again soon to read about you all and catch up!

(I turned comments back on, but with "moderation." It might be weeks before I read and reply!)

Doctor Appointment

This post-partum recovery time has been like no other. I am always tired and weak. I am still having headaches. I was encouraged by a friend to go see a doctor, so I made an appointment. (I go tomorrow afternoon) I had to wait a few weeks to get in to see him, but now I am starting to think that is a good thing.
Because, this past week my finger joints have started hurting. It is getting harder to hold a spoon, or cut fruit with a knife. And, yesterday after church I was hardly able to unbutton my shirt to change it. And, when I was trying to put up my hair my arms were VERY weak, and it took several attempts to complete the job. These are usually the first signs in the downward spiral of my unnamed disability (though it seems to be vitamin D deficiency). I am thinking that my Vit D3 levels have plummeted after delivery, and I need to have them re-checked.

Please pray for my doctor that he will wisely order whatever lab work I need to identify the source of the problem. And, pray for me, as I continue to research Vit D deficiency on my own, that I would get the bottom of the problem - what causes my body to be deficient. Sure, I can buy supplements for the rest of my life, but I would rather know what I can do to prevent the problem.

I have read in Nourishing Traditions, by Sally Fallon that vit D cannot be absorbed without plenty of animal proteins being consumed. So, I have tried to drink more milk, eat more eggs, use more real butter, and eat more meat... but I do not think this is helping. (But, who knows, maybe I would have been worse by now without taking that step.)