Broken Vessels Drowning in the Storm

(Re-posted 8-14-2018. I try to be so careful not to write things that are "divisive," that I sometimes erase my posts. I need to remember that, though people may disagree with me, what I say may be helpful to someone.)

The things that break the heart of God ought to be the very things that break our hearts.

One of the things that breaks my heart is the HOARDS of people who are leaving Christianity, leaving the Lord, because they were formerly involved in a legalistic, religious group.

My heart is breaking. I have read enough of these blogs to have noticed a pattern. These people probably never had a full understanding of the REAL Jesus Christ!
You wouldn't want to walk away from the REAL Jesus.
You would feel LOVED by the real Jesus, even if you hate some of the groups that call themselves the church.

I do NOT mean this as an attack on those who have left "the faith." Believe me when I say that I do understand the battle! The battle to separate "is this really who God is" from "is this another lie?" And, I do not think it is a sin to ask questions to get to the bottom of why do we believe what we believe.

Some of the people who are leaving legalism for atheism were once strong "believers" in something. They worked hard to do everything that they believed the Lord wanted them to do. These are often the people who think in terms of a checklist - Am I wearing the right clothes? Check. Am I listening to the right music? Check. And so on.

 I know, because I am a recovering checklist Christian. And, the more items I could check off, the more assured I could be of God's love for me. Performance-based Christianity is not the true Gospel.

The problem is, so many of these checklists are purely man-made.

I am not recommending that we begin living without any law or governor. A Christian has the Holy Spirit to guide and direct his steps. But, I am suggesting that it is time that we stop making the Gospel harder than it really is. And, clearly it is hard enough just to believe and confess - or there would be a whole lot more Christians.

I am heart-broken for these hurting and broken "former-Christians" who have left the faith entirely!

I weep when I read their blogs.

I agonize at how close our family has come (at points) to following in the same path.

I want to throw out a lifeline to these people who are drowning in a sea of pain!

Would the REAL JESUS please step forward?! 

Father God, I am begging you to please stretch your hand to these dear ones of yours who are broken and faithless. You know the pain they endured at the hands of false religion. You see their secret scars. You know it all! And, you still love them. Show them how much you love them, Lord! Send genuine believers to help them bear their burdens in a loving way! Send genuine Christians who will love them! And, in doing so reflect your true heart for them. I know you as Helper, Healer, Friend, Savior, and so much more. Please reveal yourself to these dear hurting souls! Please don't leave them in despair Lord. Reach in and rescue your lost sheep, in Jesus Name, Amen.

Crying Out (Against Quiverfull)

Re-posted 8-14-2018: I wrote this years ago. I un-posted it, because it was clearly a bitter rant. But, sometimes I think raw emotions need to be exposed. Today, as I re-read these agonizing thoughts I remember the pain that I was feeling when I wrote it. I am no longer in that same place. I am moving forward towards healing. I post this now, with a clear, un-hurting heart/mind. I think someone out there can relate and it might help them. But, I will add, there are feelings in this post that come up every now and then - usually when I have a fibro flare up. 

Post written by Bethany (edited - with some additions - by Paul)


A while back, I did I google search on "quiverful ruined my life." I didn't find anything helpful. I was looking for a woman who came out of quiverful and yet retained her belief in God. But, all I see is hurting women, men, children and families who have abandoned the faith entirely. If you doubt this, click the link and read for yourself. (Quiverful/quiverfull is the understanding that modern Christians should not use birth control or try to "play God" by efforts to prevent pregnancy, because children are a blessing from the Lord. The term comes from Psalm 127:3-5.)

Sometimes I just want to cry out. I want to scream. I want to grab a handful of Above Rubies magazines and burn them in effigy.

I am a woman who has been badly wounded. I have been lied to. I have been persuaded that the Lord wanted me to be "quiverful" (among other things) to please Him. I hate quiverful. Quiverful ruined my life. Or, at least, it nearly has. I beat myself up daily for not being and doing all that I feel has been put upon me.

For the record: It was a joy to me to have my babies! I loved each and every pregnancy! I prayed for every one of those babies! I wanted more babies! And, when I miscarried a baby in summer 2013 I wept bitterly. I am not trying to speak against the children I have!

Paul and I were formerly sold out to being quiverfull. I used to blog in favor of it. How I kick myself now for leading other women into bondage! I was a blind guide! I continually ask, "God, please, if I led any woman/family into that lifestyle, please set them free!"

I hate when people place burdens onto others that they cannot help them carry. I read books, magazines, and blogs that craftily used Scripture to persuade me to be quiverfull. But, where were those authors and their proponents when I was sick? When I was disabled? When we were in poverty and couldn't afford to feed our family?

I have read comments on blogs by women who were afraid of quiverfull, because they couldn't afford it. And, I have read the rebuttals of the blog authors that said those women just lacked faith.

It is possible that I even wrote such garbage!

Excuse me, but it is wisdom to know that you cannot afford to bring another baby into the world when you can't feed your current set of kids when you live in a house owned by a drunken slumlord. It is wisdom to know that your body is still recovering from childbirth and you need time to heal. It is wisdom to admit that your mental stability is so taxed from the children that you already have that you are struggling to love your family at its current size. I could go on and on here. (Again, I love my children. I want my children.)

God does give His children the strength to do and be all that He has called them to do or commanded them to do. Furthermore, if you now have children, then you must trust that God will sustain you in being a parent. But, I no longer believe that God has required it of anyone to have as many children as their body can produce. A person's quiver could be full at one or eleven. And, I think many of the expectations that we place on ourselves are not God's desires at all, but ours or some spiritual gurus'.

I recently read an article, written on a quiverful blog, which spoke of women being lazy and undisciplined if they didn't have a nice meal waiting on hubby when he came home from work. This same author also said it was lazy when a woman didn't take care of her body and/or go to the gym to stay fit. I was so angry that I wanted to vomit. (I will go on record to say that Paul never expected these things! I did expect to do these things, because it seemed from my extensive reading that other women were able to accomplish all these tasks and more.)

WHY?

Why do we place these unrealistic expectations upon families? And the poor mothers of these quiverful families? They are often disabled from years of weariness. They smile at church because they think they have to. They can't share their pain with anyone. They live in fear, they are on the edge, falling apart.

I can share my pain now. I am crying out. Quiverfull is not beautiful. It is bondage. And, even now, I am not really truly free. Why? Because I dread posting this now and having people seeing what a turn-coat I am. Some people will be proud of me... no doubt. Others will be appalled. It is the latter group that I am still cowering to. That is because there is so much spiritual and emotional abuse tied into all of this. I hurt when I think about the chief quiverful gurus thinking ill of me. Yes, I am a woman trying to be free from past bondage; however, like a woman in an abusive relationship, I am looking back with strange feelings. I have this mixture of hatred of the movement, loathing of myself, and (at the same time) wishing I could have made it work and stayed in their circle. When you can walk the walk and talk the talk you can be greatly loved, valued, admired and doted upon.

How many years till I am free from all this bondage?! I have been taking small steps since 2011. I started writing posts like this one and this one. It has been two steps forward, one step back.

So, why is this all coming on again?

Why am I writing about this today?

Anger! 

I am angry. I am angry with myself that I got sucked into these lies. (Not just quiverful, but the whole slippery slope that usually goes with it.) I am also angry with the men and women who write about quiverful to persuade others to join their conviction. 

I used to be one of those people! 

I am struggling with forgiving myself for that. (Yes, I can hear those who say, if God has forgiven you, then who are you to think your opinion is more important than God's? Yeah... I hear ya. I get that. But, I just can't let it go. And, chances are, there are things in your own life - skeletons in your own closet - that you have a hard time forgiving too. Some days it is harder than others.)

But, here we are now. We have six kids. We still homeschool. And, our family is really struggling. We are hurting badly. And, most days I want to cry out. Does anyone know what pain I am feeling? Is there anyone who can relate? I feel so alone. The average Christian thinks quiverful is odd (at best) and cultic (at worst). I agree. It is cultic, because it adds to the Gospel. In order to please God you must accept Jesus as your Savior AND have as many babies as possible before your body gives out.

But, as I was saying, the average Christian doesn't understand how I got into such a strange movement anyway. And, they simply cannot understand my daily agony. They offer no support.

The group that is still faithfully filling their quiver - well, they probably feel sorry for me. I can't talk to them... because I don't need any more condemnation. So, that leaves me with people like me.

But, you know what? It doesn't seem like there are very many women who have left quiverfull and kept their faith!

What does that say to you?! 

I lumped a lot of different things together into this one blog. However, they often run hand in hand. And, if you are thinking about posting Scripture to persuade me that I am wrong - please realize that you may only be exalting yourself and wounding me more. I have already been battered by the Bible, browbeaten by the twisting of Scripture.

We have been coming out of bondage for years now! Yet, I still feel entrapped. Every time I pick up my fork to eat something, or pick out an outfit for the day, or think about schooling options - I see things through so many sets of lenses that my head spins.

I am going to stay on this journey to freedom. I am going to strip away all the false lenses as God keeps working on me. I trust that the Lord will hold me near and that I won't leave Him as so many others have while on this journey. I still love the Lord. Our family still prays together, reads the Bible, goes to church, etc. But, we are wounded... and the gash doesn't seem to be healing quickly. I will find healing. I will find freedom. I know there is Peace with God. I have had it from time to time. But, I know He has a permanent stream of overflowing grace. As I discover it, I will bathe in it. I will be free.

I pray this blesses you. I considered before posting this whether it would be "divisive." I hope you can hear my heart. I am not trying to make war with anyone or divide the body of Christ. I am writing this and posting it to encourage other women/families in my shoes. I doubt that I am the only one who has been processing these types of thoughts. (Especially in light of all the recent fallen leaders and spiritual abuse that is making headlines. Though, our journey began long before big named patriarchy leaders were scandalized.)


P.S - I am not saying that I will never have more children. What we are saying -Paul and I are in agreement- we are now allowing ourselves the liberty of keeping the dialogue of that decision between God and ourselves (Humanly speaking, of course.)

ADDED Sept. 29, 2015 - I wrote above that I couldn't forgive myself. I was able to turn that particular burden over to the Lord. I am guilt-free. I love my children. I serve them all to the best of my ability each and every day. I do not regret having children (and some days I think it would be nice to have another one). What I was saying above is that no one should tell someone else that they must have more children to please the Lord. I do not believe that birth control is a sin. Though, I do believe that ultimately it is GOD who opens and closes the womb of a woman as He guides and directs our steps day to day.

Father, please send this message forth in love and peace. My heart is clean before You and I ask that this post will be read with discernment and love. I am not wanting to divide the Body of Christ. You know, Lord, that I am wanting to use this post to bring healing to the broken - which I feel is your heart for the Body. Please usher in Your Healing Power to those who are still in the bitter, angry stage, and keep moving me forward towards complete peace, love and joy. It's in Jesus Name that I pray, Amen.

New photos

I haven't posted too many pictures of the family lately. It's time to amend that.

On September 24, Rebecca and I worked at the Arrow Rock Children's Craft Festival. I was in the parlor of one of the town's historic homes teaching children about parlors in the 1800's. Rebecca was out behind the house demonstrating how to wash and dry laundry "the old fashioned way." She even had the opportunity to dump the wash tubs at the end of the day! We both enjoyed dressing in costume for this event! (Click on any photo to bring up the enlargement.)

Rebecca, age 13

 Now, you are no doubt thinking, "Wow, Becca sure has grown! What do the other children look like now?" So, here you go -

Nelson, age 11

Josiah -age 5, Nelson - age 11

Nelson, age 11

Paul and myself with our whole tribe, along with my parents at the Arrow Rock J. Huston Tavern

In Arrow Rock - Rebecca (13), Lydia (10), Joshua (8), Josiah (5), Jeremiah (3), Nelson (11)

Joshua - age 8

Summer fun!

Paul (just before he turned 40!) and Jeremiah (3)

Lydia (10)

Did you see . . .

Did you see that I have posted two analogies and a short story on my other blog? Stop by and take a look.

Family Update

Time is marching on in the Woods family. I thought it was high time for an update.

Paul is still working for the prison. I would be lying if I implied that he likes the work. But, he is grateful to have had this job for over a year now. The work is not strenuous to his back. If anything, the job is too sedentary for his liking. But, at least he is not straining his back injuries. He always has his eyes open for other employment, but so far it seems that God must want Paul to remain in the prison. We trust that He has a plan.

I am feeling all right. My lower back (sacroliliac) has been bothering me for three months now. I have not been able to help with hay all summer. What's worse, I was not able to even walk, sit, or move comfortably for the first six weeks. I am working with the chiropractor and I am now about 90% better. I have re-gained most of my range of motion. I can sit on a chair without pain. I can walk enough to do my mothering duties. I cannot bend, lift, or twist. I cannot work out. But, I know I am on the right path to full recovery.

Rebecca turned 13 in March! I am pleased with her level of maturity. She has great discipline for schoolwork, even though her dyscalculia frustrates her progress. I have truly never known a young lady like Rebecca. She is still doing most of the cooking and cleaning around the house (even though my back is more compliant these days). She doesn't want me to "overdo it" and have a set back. Rebecca is quite interested in quilting, but time and money prevent her from enjoying the hobby as she would like. She also still loves horses, reading, writing, and playing with the other children. The new change in Rebecaa's life was that she learned to swim this summer and now she is training to be on the YMCA swim team. She has progressed rapidly and thoroughly enjoys swimming. I would have to say that swim team is her favorite hobby at present.

Nelson has also learned to swim. He is training for the swim team as well, but he does not love the disciplined swimming like Becca does. He just likes to play and swim for leisure. Nelson is overcoming his dyslexia. It seems that someone (God) "flipped the switch" and suddenly Nelson is reading! I couldn't be more happy! His favorite book to read me is the Bible. Not only does he read it, but he comprehends it! He is asking me such thoughtful questions about the passages we read. I am very happy with his progress. Nelson's favorite hobby is anything to do with art (photography, drawing, computer design, etc).

Lydia is ten now! She is making great strides in school as well. Her dyselxia was not as severe as Nelson's, but she has had much to overcome. Lydia's favorite hobby is enjoying nature. She calls all bugs "cute" or "adorable." She gets frustrated when someone kills a spider - which is her favorite type of bug. Lydia has learned to swim as well. But, like her mama, she gets cold and tired quickly and requires a lot of sleep to recover.

Joshua is another little overcomer! I shudder when I think of the challenges that this little guy has faced in the past years. First, his ears were blocked and he was nearly deaf. He did not speak. Then, we discovered he was nearly blind. Once he was able to see and hear we started school with him. At first he progressed rapidly, then he suddenly "lost" everything. I do not know the cause (I assume it was mold exposure). But, we had to start again with the basics. I am greatly pleased with his hard work and determination! This is his year!

Josiah is five. He is learning his letters and numbers. He likes to hear chidlren's books read to him. He loves playing in the YMCA pool. I am certain he is part fish and will be swimming in no time. Joey's favorite hobby is snuggling.

Jeremiah is three. He is still a happy little guy. He is definitely the baby of the family. He has been babied for quite a while. But, he is also growing into little boyhood. He enjoys playing at the park, throwing balls, and listening to books being read.

Our new home is working out well for us. So far as we can tell the house is free of mold! It is the biggest house we have ever lived in.  Rebecca even has her own sewing room (though it doubles as  the library). The children are split into pairs and we still have a guest room. The only complaint we have is that the yard is not as big as we would like. But, we think we will be content to stay here until we can buy our "forever home."

I think that hits the main points. I will try to write more often now that I have a phone that doubles as a hot spot. I hope you are all doing well! I will try to visit your blogs soon!