Re-posted 8-14-2018: I wrote this years ago. I un-posted it, because it was clearly a bitter rant. But, sometimes I think raw emotions need to be exposed. Today, as I re-read these agonizing thoughts I remember the pain that I was feeling when I wrote it. I am no longer in that same place. I am moving forward towards healing. I post this now, with a clear, un-hurting heart/mind. I think someone out there can relate and it might help them. But, I will add, there are feelings in this post that come up every now and then - usually when I have a fibro flare up.
Post written by Bethany (edited - with some additions - by Paul)
A while back, I did I google search on "quiverful ruined my life." I didn't find anything helpful. I was looking for a woman who came out of quiverful and yet retained her belief in God. But, all I see is hurting women, men, children and families who have abandoned the faith entirely. If you doubt this, click the link and read for yourself. (Quiverful/quiverfull is the understanding that modern Christians should not use birth control or try to "play God" by efforts to prevent pregnancy, because children are a blessing from the Lord. The term comes from Psalm 127:3-5.)
Sometimes I just want to cry out. I want to scream. I want to grab a handful of Above Rubies magazines and burn them in effigy.
I am a woman who has been badly wounded. I have been lied to. I have been persuaded that the Lord wanted me to be "quiverful" (among other things) to please Him. I hate quiverful. Quiverful ruined my life. Or, at least, it nearly has. I beat myself up daily for not being and doing all that I feel has been put upon me.
For the record: It was a joy to me to have my babies! I loved each and every pregnancy! I prayed for every one of those babies! I wanted more babies! And, when I miscarried a baby in summer 2013 I wept bitterly. I am not trying to speak against the children I have!
Paul and I were formerly sold out to being quiverfull. I used to blog in favor of it. How I kick myself now for leading other women into bondage! I was a blind guide! I continually ask, "God, please, if I led any woman/family into that lifestyle, please set them free!"
I hate when people place burdens onto others that they cannot help them carry. I read books, magazines, and blogs that craftily used Scripture to persuade me to be quiverfull. But, where were those authors and their proponents when I was sick? When I was disabled? When we were in poverty and couldn't afford to feed our family?
I have read comments on blogs by women who were afraid of quiverfull, because they couldn't afford it. And, I have read the rebuttals of the blog authors that said those women just lacked faith.
It is possible that I even wrote such garbage!
Excuse me, but it is wisdom to know that you cannot afford to bring another baby into the world when you can't feed your current set of kids when you live in a house owned by a drunken slumlord. It is wisdom to know that your body is still recovering from childbirth and you need time to heal. It is wisdom to admit that your mental stability is so taxed from the children that you already have that you are struggling to love your family at its current size. I could go on and on here. (Again, I love my children. I want my children.)
God does give His children the strength to do and be all that He has called them to do or commanded them to do. Furthermore, if you now have children, then you must trust that God will sustain you in being a parent. But, I no longer believe that God has required it of anyone to have as many children as their body can produce. A person's quiver could be full at one or eleven. And, I think many of the expectations that we place on ourselves are not God's desires at all, but ours or some spiritual gurus'.
I recently read an article, written on a quiverful blog, which spoke of women being lazy and undisciplined if they didn't have a nice meal waiting on hubby when he came home from work. This same author also said it was lazy when a woman didn't take care of her body and/or go to the gym to stay fit. I was so angry that I wanted to vomit. (I will go on record to say that Paul never expected these things! I did expect to do these things, because it seemed from my extensive reading that other women were able to accomplish all these tasks and more.)
WHY?
Why do we place these unrealistic expectations upon families? And the poor mothers of these quiverful families? They are often disabled from years of weariness. They smile at church because they think they have to. They can't share their pain with anyone. They live in fear, they are on the edge, falling apart.
I can share my pain now. I am crying out. Quiverfull is not beautiful. It is bondage. And, even now, I am not really truly free. Why? Because I dread posting this now and having people seeing what a turn-coat I am. Some people will be proud of me... no doubt. Others will be appalled. It is the latter group that I am still cowering to. That is because there is so much spiritual and emotional abuse tied into all of this. I hurt when I think about the chief quiverful gurus thinking ill of me. Yes, I am a woman trying to be free from past bondage; however, like a woman in an abusive relationship, I am looking back with strange feelings. I have this mixture of hatred of the movement, loathing of myself, and (at the same time) wishing I could have made it work and stayed in their circle. When you can walk the walk and talk the talk you can be greatly loved, valued, admired and doted upon.
How many years till I am free from all this bondage?! I have been taking small steps since 2011. I started writing posts like this one and this one. It has been two steps forward, one step back.
So, why is this all coming on again?
Why am I writing about this today?
Anger!
I am angry. I am angry with myself that I got sucked into these lies. (Not just quiverful, but the whole slippery slope that usually goes with it.) I am also angry with the men and women who write about quiverful to persuade others to join their conviction.
I used to be one of those people!
I am struggling with forgiving myself for that. (Yes, I can hear those who say, if God has forgiven you, then who are you to think your opinion is more important than God's? Yeah... I hear ya. I get that. But, I just can't let it go. And, chances are, there are things in your own life - skeletons in your own closet - that you have a hard time forgiving too. Some days it is harder than others.)
But, here we are now. We have six kids. We still homeschool. And, our family is really struggling. We are hurting badly. And, most days I want to cry out. Does anyone know what pain I am feeling? Is there anyone who can relate? I feel so alone. The average Christian thinks quiverful is odd (at best) and cultic (at worst). I agree. It is cultic, because it adds to the Gospel. In order to please God you must accept Jesus as your Savior AND have as many babies as possible before your body gives out.
But, as I was saying, the average Christian doesn't understand how I got into such a strange movement anyway. And, they simply cannot understand my daily agony. They offer no support.
The group that is still faithfully filling their quiver - well, they probably feel sorry for me. I can't talk to them... because I don't need any more condemnation. So, that leaves me with people like me.
But, you know what? It doesn't seem like there are very many women who have left quiverfull and kept their faith!
What does that say to you?!
I lumped a lot of different things together into this one blog. However, they often run hand in hand. And, if you are thinking about posting Scripture to persuade me that I am wrong - please realize that you may only be exalting yourself and wounding me more. I have already been battered by the Bible, browbeaten by the twisting of Scripture.
We have been coming out of bondage for years now! Yet, I still feel entrapped. Every time I pick up my fork to eat something, or pick out an outfit for the day, or think about schooling options - I see things through so many sets of lenses that my head spins.
I am going to stay on this journey to freedom. I am going to strip away all the false lenses as God keeps working on me. I trust that the Lord will hold me near and that I won't leave Him as so many others have while on this journey. I still love the Lord. Our family still prays together, reads the Bible, goes to church, etc. But, we are wounded... and the gash doesn't seem to be healing quickly. I will find healing. I will find freedom. I know there is Peace with God. I have had it from time to time. But, I know He has a permanent stream of overflowing grace. As I discover it, I will bathe in it. I will be free.
I pray this blesses you. I considered before posting this whether it would be "divisive." I hope you can hear my heart. I am not trying to make war with anyone or divide the body of Christ. I am writing this and posting it to encourage other women/families in my shoes. I doubt that I am the only one who has been processing these types of thoughts. (Especially in light of all the recent fallen leaders and spiritual abuse that is making headlines. Though, our journey began long before big named patriarchy leaders were scandalized.)
P.S - I am not saying that I will never have more children. What we are saying -Paul and I are in agreement- we are now allowing ourselves the liberty of keeping the dialogue of that decision between God and ourselves (Humanly speaking, of course.)
ADDED Sept. 29, 2015 - I wrote above that I couldn't forgive myself. I was able to turn that particular burden over to the Lord. I am guilt-free. I love my children. I serve them all to the best of my ability each and every day. I do not regret having children (and some days I think it would be nice to have another one). What I was saying above is that no one should tell someone else that they must have more children to please the Lord. I do not believe that birth control is a sin. Though, I do believe that ultimately it is GOD who opens and closes the womb of a woman as He guides and directs our steps day to day.
Father, please send this message forth in love and peace. My heart is clean before You and I ask that this post will be read with discernment and love. I am not wanting to divide the Body of Christ. You know, Lord, that I am wanting to use this post to bring healing to the broken - which I feel is your heart for the Body. Please usher in Your Healing Power to those who are still in the bitter, angry stage, and keep moving me forward towards complete peace, love and joy. It's in Jesus Name that I pray, Amen.
Post written by Bethany (edited - with some additions - by Paul)
A while back, I did I google search on "quiverful ruined my life." I didn't find anything helpful. I was looking for a woman who came out of quiverful and yet retained her belief in God. But, all I see is hurting women, men, children and families who have abandoned the faith entirely. If you doubt this, click the link and read for yourself. (Quiverful/quiverfull is the understanding that modern Christians should not use birth control or try to "play God" by efforts to prevent pregnancy, because children are a blessing from the Lord. The term comes from Psalm 127:3-5.)
Sometimes I just want to cry out. I want to scream. I want to grab a handful of Above Rubies magazines and burn them in effigy.
I am a woman who has been badly wounded. I have been lied to. I have been persuaded that the Lord wanted me to be "quiverful" (among other things) to please Him. I hate quiverful. Quiverful ruined my life. Or, at least, it nearly has. I beat myself up daily for not being and doing all that I feel has been put upon me.
For the record: It was a joy to me to have my babies! I loved each and every pregnancy! I prayed for every one of those babies! I wanted more babies! And, when I miscarried a baby in summer 2013 I wept bitterly. I am not trying to speak against the children I have!
Paul and I were formerly sold out to being quiverfull. I used to blog in favor of it. How I kick myself now for leading other women into bondage! I was a blind guide! I continually ask, "God, please, if I led any woman/family into that lifestyle, please set them free!"
I hate when people place burdens onto others that they cannot help them carry. I read books, magazines, and blogs that craftily used Scripture to persuade me to be quiverfull. But, where were those authors and their proponents when I was sick? When I was disabled? When we were in poverty and couldn't afford to feed our family?
I have read comments on blogs by women who were afraid of quiverfull, because they couldn't afford it. And, I have read the rebuttals of the blog authors that said those women just lacked faith.
It is possible that I even wrote such garbage!
Excuse me, but it is wisdom to know that you cannot afford to bring another baby into the world when you can't feed your current set of kids when you live in a house owned by a drunken slumlord. It is wisdom to know that your body is still recovering from childbirth and you need time to heal. It is wisdom to admit that your mental stability is so taxed from the children that you already have that you are struggling to love your family at its current size. I could go on and on here. (Again, I love my children. I want my children.)
God does give His children the strength to do and be all that He has called them to do or commanded them to do. Furthermore, if you now have children, then you must trust that God will sustain you in being a parent. But, I no longer believe that God has required it of anyone to have as many children as their body can produce. A person's quiver could be full at one or eleven. And, I think many of the expectations that we place on ourselves are not God's desires at all, but ours or some spiritual gurus'.
I recently read an article, written on a quiverful blog, which spoke of women being lazy and undisciplined if they didn't have a nice meal waiting on hubby when he came home from work. This same author also said it was lazy when a woman didn't take care of her body and/or go to the gym to stay fit. I was so angry that I wanted to vomit. (I will go on record to say that Paul never expected these things! I did expect to do these things, because it seemed from my extensive reading that other women were able to accomplish all these tasks and more.)
WHY?
Why do we place these unrealistic expectations upon families? And the poor mothers of these quiverful families? They are often disabled from years of weariness. They smile at church because they think they have to. They can't share their pain with anyone. They live in fear, they are on the edge, falling apart.
I can share my pain now. I am crying out. Quiverfull is not beautiful. It is bondage. And, even now, I am not really truly free. Why? Because I dread posting this now and having people seeing what a turn-coat I am. Some people will be proud of me... no doubt. Others will be appalled. It is the latter group that I am still cowering to. That is because there is so much spiritual and emotional abuse tied into all of this. I hurt when I think about the chief quiverful gurus thinking ill of me. Yes, I am a woman trying to be free from past bondage; however, like a woman in an abusive relationship, I am looking back with strange feelings. I have this mixture of hatred of the movement, loathing of myself, and (at the same time) wishing I could have made it work and stayed in their circle. When you can walk the walk and talk the talk you can be greatly loved, valued, admired and doted upon.
How many years till I am free from all this bondage?! I have been taking small steps since 2011. I started writing posts like this one and this one. It has been two steps forward, one step back.
So, why is this all coming on again?
Why am I writing about this today?
Anger!
I am angry. I am angry with myself that I got sucked into these lies. (Not just quiverful, but the whole slippery slope that usually goes with it.) I am also angry with the men and women who write about quiverful to persuade others to join their conviction.
I used to be one of those people!
I am struggling with forgiving myself for that. (Yes, I can hear those who say, if God has forgiven you, then who are you to think your opinion is more important than God's? Yeah... I hear ya. I get that. But, I just can't let it go. And, chances are, there are things in your own life - skeletons in your own closet - that you have a hard time forgiving too. Some days it is harder than others.)
But, here we are now. We have six kids. We still homeschool. And, our family is really struggling. We are hurting badly. And, most days I want to cry out. Does anyone know what pain I am feeling? Is there anyone who can relate? I feel so alone. The average Christian thinks quiverful is odd (at best) and cultic (at worst). I agree. It is cultic, because it adds to the Gospel. In order to please God you must accept Jesus as your Savior AND have as many babies as possible before your body gives out.
But, as I was saying, the average Christian doesn't understand how I got into such a strange movement anyway. And, they simply cannot understand my daily agony. They offer no support.
The group that is still faithfully filling their quiver - well, they probably feel sorry for me. I can't talk to them... because I don't need any more condemnation. So, that leaves me with people like me.
But, you know what? It doesn't seem like there are very many women who have left quiverfull and kept their faith!
What does that say to you?!
I lumped a lot of different things together into this one blog. However, they often run hand in hand. And, if you are thinking about posting Scripture to persuade me that I am wrong - please realize that you may only be exalting yourself and wounding me more. I have already been battered by the Bible, browbeaten by the twisting of Scripture.
We have been coming out of bondage for years now! Yet, I still feel entrapped. Every time I pick up my fork to eat something, or pick out an outfit for the day, or think about schooling options - I see things through so many sets of lenses that my head spins.
I am going to stay on this journey to freedom. I am going to strip away all the false lenses as God keeps working on me. I trust that the Lord will hold me near and that I won't leave Him as so many others have while on this journey. I still love the Lord. Our family still prays together, reads the Bible, goes to church, etc. But, we are wounded... and the gash doesn't seem to be healing quickly. I will find healing. I will find freedom. I know there is Peace with God. I have had it from time to time. But, I know He has a permanent stream of overflowing grace. As I discover it, I will bathe in it. I will be free.
I pray this blesses you. I considered before posting this whether it would be "divisive." I hope you can hear my heart. I am not trying to make war with anyone or divide the body of Christ. I am writing this and posting it to encourage other women/families in my shoes. I doubt that I am the only one who has been processing these types of thoughts. (Especially in light of all the recent fallen leaders and spiritual abuse that is making headlines. Though, our journey began long before big named patriarchy leaders were scandalized.)
P.S - I am not saying that I will never have more children. What we are saying -Paul and I are in agreement- we are now allowing ourselves the liberty of keeping the dialogue of that decision between God and ourselves (Humanly speaking, of course.)
ADDED Sept. 29, 2015 - I wrote above that I couldn't forgive myself. I was able to turn that particular burden over to the Lord. I am guilt-free. I love my children. I serve them all to the best of my ability each and every day. I do not regret having children (and some days I think it would be nice to have another one). What I was saying above is that no one should tell someone else that they must have more children to please the Lord. I do not believe that birth control is a sin. Though, I do believe that ultimately it is GOD who opens and closes the womb of a woman as He guides and directs our steps day to day.
Father, please send this message forth in love and peace. My heart is clean before You and I ask that this post will be read with discernment and love. I am not wanting to divide the Body of Christ. You know, Lord, that I am wanting to use this post to bring healing to the broken - which I feel is your heart for the Body. Please usher in Your Healing Power to those who are still in the bitter, angry stage, and keep moving me forward towards complete peace, love and joy. It's in Jesus Name that I pray, Amen.
5 comments:
Oh Bethany, my heart hurts for you reading this! Yes, it is easy to preach the quiverfull "gospel" when you have plenty of money and good health. And it makes so much sense on the surface. But one needn't look further than Andrea Yates to see that continuing to have as many children as possible is NOT best for everyone. It was very, very hard for us to admit that this needed to be my last pregnancy. There was so much guilt in letting go of quiverfull--and we were never even completely immersed in it. We just never used any birth control and let the babies come whenever they came. But pregnancy renders me pretty much useless for 9 months, which has been a burden on my husband and children. I also have some permanent physical damage from giving birth, and we are praying it won't be made worse with this birth. We actually weren't sure if we should have a third because of it, but surprise! Here she is. :)
We agonized over the decision. Because honestly, on the worst days of toddler tantrums and potty accidents, it's really easy for me to say "I can't do this. I'm done having kids." And for ME that *was* a selfish sinful attitude. So when we made the decision to be done, we really searched our hearts and our motives and prayed. And we believe there are many very valid reasons for limiting one's family size or spacing babies further. And there is no reason that has to conflict with loving and serving God.
I pray that God would continue to give you peace about this issue. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
Thank you for your comment, April. You are absolutely right that a couple needs to search their hearts and motives. And, ultimately, the decision is up to them and NOT anyone who writes a blog (including me!).
And, thank you for your prayers.
Bethany
I'm a homeschool mom too, and I have followed you on and off for awhile. You aren't alone. In fact I have one friend who has more than ten children who left the movement. She also struggles with grief and sadness over her quiver full years and is a wonderfully open person about it.
It's hard if you aren't near anyone else who can share these things with you.
I don't honk you said anything inappropriate here. In fact you may just encourage others to live out their freedom in Christ.
Just remember you wanted to do the best you could to follow God, and you got a beautiful family out of it in the process. And all of those things will become a blessing to you. It will only get easier over time.
Freedom is a beautiful thing. So is letting yourself just say, "It's okay."
I love the quote by Maya Angelou. It's carried me through a few times when I have regrets, particularly ones where I erred in my religion or parenting.
"You did what you knew then to do, and when you knew better, you did better."
We are always learning and growing!
Haha! I meant to say think instead of honk. But I don't honk anything about you either.... Ahahahah!
Holly, Thank you for your thoughts... and for sticking with me through the years with so many ups and downs in theology and practice! ;)
Thank you for saying that I have a beautiful family, and yes, things have gotten easier in time (in some areas).
You are right, I am always learning and growing - thank God! My prayer is definitely that other women will find encouragement in my honesty.
Bethany
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