Thursday, May 2, 2013

Disorder and Confusion VS. Peace and Mercy

*Re-published without making any changes on November 19, 2014. I have no idea why I took this down in the first place. Or, did I never even publish it? Who knows?*

Last night I gave up a few minutes of my precious book-writing time to write an update about my health. I mentioned (in detail) that I was writing a book. I even mentioned that I was okay with writing fiction instead of Christian living non-fiction.

SO, WHY am I questioning everything today?!

Actually, it began about half a minute after I pushed "publish" on my blog update last night. But, around 2 am I woke up and thought, "C.S. Lewis wrote both fiction and non-fiction. So can I." You can see this battle in my mind is going on even in my sleep.

I am asking myself-
1) Am I a literary snob? That I would only write and publish non-fiction?
2) Is it God asking me/leading me/guiding me to write my fiction book?
3) Is Satan trying to throw me off course because my fiction book will reach and help so many people?
4) Will publishing fiction first hurt my "credibility" for non-fiction as much as I think?
5) Where are my decisions being led by fear?
6) Where are my decisions being led by pride?
7) What does God want from me?
8) How much of this worry over writing fiction is because of what people will think of me?

Yep, number 8 is the key, and it ties in with 6, 5, and 3. What kind of author will I be if I cannot even finish writing the book because of worrying about what people will think. Of course there will be some people who think less of me for writing entertaining books. Of course there will be people who make fun of or and criticize my book. Of course my theology will make some people mad. But, are these reasons to stop writing the book? Of course not. Not if God is the reason I am writing it. And, I KNOW that this book will bring glory to God.
(Becca told me three days ago that I was not able to write as fast as I could before because I started worrying about what everyone else would think. She's right. I am barely writing an hour a day now, and that one hour is not very productive. I am over-thinking everything! Becca is disappointed because she is my first pre-reader and she has read everything I have written and wants more! A good sign, I think!)

My only other concern is that fiction might make some women abandon their jobs as mothers for a day while they turn pages in my masterpiece. ((winks)) But, I have two thoughts on this - 1) Is it my fault if a woman chooses to use her time poorly? And, 2) This book would be a far better option than watching television or reading a worldly romance novel. But, what if my Christian romance (and it will be light on the romance) novel makes women daydream and pine away for missed opportunities? 1) it's not my fault; and 2) they could do a lot worse....

I am writing honestly here, because so many of my friends are also aspiring authors. Maybe I am just helping to cut the trail to make it easier for you to come along behind me and write your own masterpiece!

Another thought - Obviously I want to keep my mind saturated with the Word of God. Obviously I need to read the Bible daily. But, how do I balance writing a book and reading my Bible? I feel guilty about writing so much compared to the amount I read my Bible. But, I had a thought about this tonight - My husband works 4-8 hours a day. And, he reads his Bible much less than he works. Because, unless you are a pastor, you probably cannot read the Bible while you are working, right? And, writing is my job right now. (Yes, wife and mother career comes first, but stick with me) So, I need to see my time in the writing room as I view Paul's time in his UPS truck. Does this make sense? Or does it sound like I am making excuses? Because I feel a little bit like I am making excuses...

I am so confused. Which brings me to a verse that I have been meditating on for a week and a half.

16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. James 3:14-17 (NASB)
It seems plain to me that where there is "disorder" (verse 16 - which can be translated as "confusion," "tumult," "disorder," or "disturbances"), it is caused by my own selfish ambitions and/or jealousies. Well... I guess that settles it.

I need to pray more. I need to read my Bible more. I need to listen to God more.

I will get through this. Thanks for letting me talk it out. You Blogger friends are good to me. I hope my authenticity in this journey helps you in your own struggles. Let's strive together towards "wisdom from above!"

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