Re-Routing

Yesterday I had an appointment at a building where I had never been, in a town in which I am somewhat unfamiliar. I had to make a leap of faith and use my google maps app on my phone. So, the night before my adventure appointment, I planned ahead. I let the phone offer the fastest route and I planned my morning trip based on the app's suggestion. Yesterday morning I jumped in the car and followed the instructions the phone gave me. But, just minutes from my destination a road was closed. The city department was doing tree trimming and closed off the whole road. I thought to myself, “isn't that just a perfect analogy for life?”

We make plans. Educated plans. We make choices that we think will be the best for ourselves and our family. We pray and seek God's wisdom and instruction and we begin our adventure. But, sometimes, even after doing our due diligence of planning, there are roadblocks in the way.

This is the metaphorical picture of where our family is right now. We were navigating with the Lord to lead us and with wisdom and knowledge to guide us. We chose the path of homeschooling when our oldest was still in diapers. At that time, we made the best decision we could with the information that we had. And, it was a good choice for our family.

(At this point, I need to insert some news that will change the navigation of this story line. I am expecting a new baby boy in October. This has not been an easy pregnancy. Not just because I am almost 40. Not just because of my “normal” physical ailments of autoimmune hypothyroidism, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue. But, also because ten weeks ago, I had an emergency appendectomy. Due to that difficult first trimester and appendix issues that were masked by the pregnancy/morning sickness, I lost an atypical amount of weight. Just this past week – at 25 weeks pregnant – I finally got back up to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Aside from that physical stress, there has been great emotional turmoil. I lost one of my best friends to cancer in my first trimester. Mindy was 40 years old and left behind 4 children and a grieving husband. My world was rocked by her death. I still miss her every day. Some days I think I see her and it takes my breath away. Some days I think about her and break down in tears. I am still grieving. But, that's not all. To add more duress, there has been an unexpected change in our housing situation. The landlords have decided to sell the house which we are currently renting. So, not only did I have to prep our rental home for sale with realtor photos and showings, but we had to find a new residence. I am happy to say that we have found a home to move to in August, but the process hasn't been easy. And, the emotions of pregnancy make all these issues even worse than they already would have been.)

Back to our story line. Our family was cruising along with our intention to homeschool every child through high school. It was our informed decision based on the circumstances that we were aware of at the time.

Enter the roadblock.

This pregnancy has been difficult and my health has been patchy. I am tired continually. My aches and pains that usually abate during pregnancy have not ceased. In fact, in many ways I am worse than I was 5 months ago. Baby Boy is due in October. So, I have made the heartbreaking decision that I am not currently able to continue homeschooling our 6 gems. I may keep some of them at home, but the little guys (especially the 6, 8, and 11 year olds) need more help than I expect that I will be able to give them.

Roadblocks are not always a bad thing. Yesterday, I had to pick up my phone map app and reroute my own trail (because google couldn't understand that my road was closed). So, I found a new path in the countryside and drove into town from a new direction. It was pretty. I even thought to myself, “I need to bring Paul here, maybe we could live in this area some day.” It was an unexpected trip, but it was still pretty. And, I ended up being only 10 minutes late to my appointment.

I will now tell you that my appointment was with the public school office to begin registering my three youngest for elementary and middle school. I was already emotionally frazzled just because of the nature of the appointment. Add in the stress of the road being blocked and I was kind of on edge. I am a planner. And I like to control everything my circumstances. I had intended to arrive a bit early. I had intended to go directly there. But, the best of my planning could not have foreseen the roadblock.

Lord willing, we will put three (or more) children into public school this year. It may or may not work out. We do not at all expect this transition to be easy. In many ways it will be more difficult, but if I list those reasons I will sound like Debbie Downer. I am choosing to focus on how public school can help our children and family, because I need to keep myself from coming undone.

This decision has not been easy. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to turn my kids over to the public school after sheltering them for so long (I don't deny it, my kids are indeed sheltered). I don't want to plan for the worst. But, with the information available to me now, it is time to re-route.

I am not writing this to start a debate (far from it, I really don't like arguments and confrontations). But, I am sharing my heart, because: 1) If I don't write, I will bust; and 2) Maybe my honest sharing of my struggles will bless someone. Maybe it will bless me. Maybe it will bless a random reader who stumbles upon my blog by “accident.” All I know is that my heart is bursting to write. I am compelled to share this journey, and to do so publicly.

There may be further roadblocks. Plans may change again. Any number of challenges could arise which could cause us to re-route or re-trace our path. We are doing our best to hold our children loosely while God does what He needs to do in their lives to shape them to be who He intends them to be. His purposes are even better than what we would choose for them, therefore His intended Path for them is greater than the one we map out in our limited knowledge.

May God bless us as we re-route this educational journey.

A (word) picture to describe my chronic illness

Living with a chronic, invisible illness is awful. This is compounded by the fact that I usually don't look sick. The following paragraphs are from my "book" about living with chronic illness. (It's more of a memoir, really). I wanted to share this picture of disability. This is addressed mostly to people who don't live with a person like me, and they don't really know what it means to have a chronic illness. This is written in past tense, as though I no longer deal with this struggle. But, my autoimmune issues flare up often and I have bad days. I still struggle.

           I want to paint a picture for you to understand what it is like to live with chronic illness. I will use my husband as an example.
            My husband, Paul, worked for UPS for several years. For quite a while, he was in the position of pre-loader. He put the packages into the trucks. Sometimes he had to load as many as four trucks at one time. The work was fast-paced as well as physically and mentally challenging. It was like a big puzzle that had to be put together every night. When all the boxes were properly loaded he was tired, but felt satisfied in a job well done.
          Then, a horrible thing happened. Paul's discs in his back became herniated. He could no longer do his job with the same vigor. And, there was a period of time that he had to take three months off while his back healed. During that time, Paul struggled with feelings of uselessness. He wanted to be able to get out and work.
           This kind of situation is hard for a man to deal with. Men were made to work. But, it could have been worse . . .
           What if instead of just being stuck in his bed every day (which was hard enough for a hard-working man like Paul) he had to lay on a couch at the delivery center and see boxes and boxes piling up outside of his package cars? What if he had to watch while someone else tried to do his job, but they were just not doing it as well as he could have? Worse yet, what if he had to watch a driver pull away from the bay with the work left undone and boxes strewn all over the floor?
          That was my life (in 2014, when I was at my worst). I knew my job description. Mother: makes meals, tickles children, plays catch, washes laundry, does the dishes, makes child do homework (or in my case teaches school), kisses boo boos, keeps the house looking nice. But, I was unable to fulfill my role as mother. Sadly, I had to watch as jobs went undone, finished half-way, or completed once again by my eldest daughter. I had to live in my mess . . . forever seeing that I couldn't do anything to help. I felt useless. I felt like a failure. There was no where to turn my eyes to avoid seeing reminders of my sickness.
          That's one picture of disability.
          Add to that first picture now (Paul, on the imaginary couch at work, watching the work get done by someone else to a lesser standard than he could have done it) – What if he had gotten up and forced himself to work? What if he had a day where he had less pain and decided, “I would like to work today”? How would he have felt the next day? What would have been the long-term repercussions? One good day of work would be followed by many days in worse pain. This is the reality of what many chronically ill people suffer with day to day. The physical pain is one thing. The mental anguish is another.
  

Crying Out (Against Quiverfull)

Re-posted 8-14-2018: I wrote this years ago. I un-posted it, because it was clearly a bitter rant. But, sometimes I think raw emotions need to be exposed. Today, as I re-read these agonizing thoughts I remember the pain that I was feeling when I wrote it. I am no longer in that same place. I am moving forward towards healing. I post this now, with a clear, un-hurting heart/mind. I think someone out there can relate and it might help them. But, I will add, there are feelings in this post that come up every now and then - usually when I have a fibro flare up. 

Post written by Bethany (edited - with some additions - by Paul)


A while back, I did I google search on "quiverful ruined my life." I didn't find anything helpful. I was looking for a woman who came out of quiverful and yet retained her belief in God. But, all I see is hurting women, men, children and families who have abandoned the faith entirely. If you doubt this, click the link and read for yourself. (Quiverful/quiverfull is the understanding that modern Christians should not use birth control or try to "play God" by efforts to prevent pregnancy, because children are a blessing from the Lord. The term comes from Psalm 127:3-5.)

Sometimes I just want to cry out. I want to scream. I want to grab a handful of Above Rubies magazines and burn them in effigy.

I am a woman who has been badly wounded. I have been lied to. I have been persuaded that the Lord wanted me to be "quiverful" (among other things) to please Him. I hate quiverful. Quiverful ruined my life. Or, at least, it nearly has. I beat myself up daily for not being and doing all that I feel has been put upon me.

For the record: It was a joy to me to have my babies! I loved each and every pregnancy! I prayed for every one of those babies! I wanted more babies! And, when I miscarried a baby in summer 2013 I wept bitterly. I am not trying to speak against the children I have!

Paul and I were formerly sold out to being quiverfull. I used to blog in favor of it. How I kick myself now for leading other women into bondage! I was a blind guide! I continually ask, "God, please, if I led any woman/family into that lifestyle, please set them free!"

I hate when people place burdens onto others that they cannot help them carry. I read books, magazines, and blogs that craftily used Scripture to persuade me to be quiverfull. But, where were those authors and their proponents when I was sick? When I was disabled? When we were in poverty and couldn't afford to feed our family?

I have read comments on blogs by women who were afraid of quiverfull, because they couldn't afford it. And, I have read the rebuttals of the blog authors that said those women just lacked faith.

It is possible that I even wrote such garbage!

Excuse me, but it is wisdom to know that you cannot afford to bring another baby into the world when you can't feed your current set of kids when you live in a house owned by a drunken slumlord. It is wisdom to know that your body is still recovering from childbirth and you need time to heal. It is wisdom to admit that your mental stability is so taxed from the children that you already have that you are struggling to love your family at its current size. I could go on and on here. (Again, I love my children. I want my children.)

God does give His children the strength to do and be all that He has called them to do or commanded them to do. Furthermore, if you now have children, then you must trust that God will sustain you in being a parent. But, I no longer believe that God has required it of anyone to have as many children as their body can produce. A person's quiver could be full at one or eleven. And, I think many of the expectations that we place on ourselves are not God's desires at all, but ours or some spiritual gurus'.

I recently read an article, written on a quiverful blog, which spoke of women being lazy and undisciplined if they didn't have a nice meal waiting on hubby when he came home from work. This same author also said it was lazy when a woman didn't take care of her body and/or go to the gym to stay fit. I was so angry that I wanted to vomit. (I will go on record to say that Paul never expected these things! I did expect to do these things, because it seemed from my extensive reading that other women were able to accomplish all these tasks and more.)

WHY?

Why do we place these unrealistic expectations upon families? And the poor mothers of these quiverful families? They are often disabled from years of weariness. They smile at church because they think they have to. They can't share their pain with anyone. They live in fear, they are on the edge, falling apart.

I can share my pain now. I am crying out. Quiverfull is not beautiful. It is bondage. And, even now, I am not really truly free. Why? Because I dread posting this now and having people seeing what a turn-coat I am. Some people will be proud of me... no doubt. Others will be appalled. It is the latter group that I am still cowering to. That is because there is so much spiritual and emotional abuse tied into all of this. I hurt when I think about the chief quiverful gurus thinking ill of me. Yes, I am a woman trying to be free from past bondage; however, like a woman in an abusive relationship, I am looking back with strange feelings. I have this mixture of hatred of the movement, loathing of myself, and (at the same time) wishing I could have made it work and stayed in their circle. When you can walk the walk and talk the talk you can be greatly loved, valued, admired and doted upon.

How many years till I am free from all this bondage?! I have been taking small steps since 2011. I started writing posts like this one and this one. It has been two steps forward, one step back.

So, why is this all coming on again?

Why am I writing about this today?

Anger! 

I am angry. I am angry with myself that I got sucked into these lies. (Not just quiverful, but the whole slippery slope that usually goes with it.) I am also angry with the men and women who write about quiverful to persuade others to join their conviction. 

I used to be one of those people! 

I am struggling with forgiving myself for that. (Yes, I can hear those who say, if God has forgiven you, then who are you to think your opinion is more important than God's? Yeah... I hear ya. I get that. But, I just can't let it go. And, chances are, there are things in your own life - skeletons in your own closet - that you have a hard time forgiving too. Some days it is harder than others.)

But, here we are now. We have six kids. We still homeschool. And, our family is really struggling. We are hurting badly. And, most days I want to cry out. Does anyone know what pain I am feeling? Is there anyone who can relate? I feel so alone. The average Christian thinks quiverful is odd (at best) and cultic (at worst). I agree. It is cultic, because it adds to the Gospel. In order to please God you must accept Jesus as your Savior AND have as many babies as possible before your body gives out.

But, as I was saying, the average Christian doesn't understand how I got into such a strange movement anyway. And, they simply cannot understand my daily agony. They offer no support.

The group that is still faithfully filling their quiver - well, they probably feel sorry for me. I can't talk to them... because I don't need any more condemnation. So, that leaves me with people like me.

But, you know what? It doesn't seem like there are very many women who have left quiverfull and kept their faith!

What does that say to you?! 

I lumped a lot of different things together into this one blog. However, they often run hand in hand. And, if you are thinking about posting Scripture to persuade me that I am wrong - please realize that you may only be exalting yourself and wounding me more. I have already been battered by the Bible, browbeaten by the twisting of Scripture.

We have been coming out of bondage for years now! Yet, I still feel entrapped. Every time I pick up my fork to eat something, or pick out an outfit for the day, or think about schooling options - I see things through so many sets of lenses that my head spins.

I am going to stay on this journey to freedom. I am going to strip away all the false lenses as God keeps working on me. I trust that the Lord will hold me near and that I won't leave Him as so many others have while on this journey. I still love the Lord. Our family still prays together, reads the Bible, goes to church, etc. But, we are wounded... and the gash doesn't seem to be healing quickly. I will find healing. I will find freedom. I know there is Peace with God. I have had it from time to time. But, I know He has a permanent stream of overflowing grace. As I discover it, I will bathe in it. I will be free.

I pray this blesses you. I considered before posting this whether it would be "divisive." I hope you can hear my heart. I am not trying to make war with anyone or divide the body of Christ. I am writing this and posting it to encourage other women/families in my shoes. I doubt that I am the only one who has been processing these types of thoughts. (Especially in light of all the recent fallen leaders and spiritual abuse that is making headlines. Though, our journey began long before big named patriarchy leaders were scandalized.)


P.S - I am not saying that I will never have more children. What we are saying -Paul and I are in agreement- we are now allowing ourselves the liberty of keeping the dialogue of that decision between God and ourselves (Humanly speaking, of course.)

ADDED Sept. 29, 2015 - I wrote above that I couldn't forgive myself. I was able to turn that particular burden over to the Lord. I am guilt-free. I love my children. I serve them all to the best of my ability each and every day. I do not regret having children (and some days I think it would be nice to have another one). What I was saying above is that no one should tell someone else that they must have more children to please the Lord. I do not believe that birth control is a sin. Though, I do believe that ultimately it is GOD who opens and closes the womb of a woman as He guides and directs our steps day to day.

Father, please send this message forth in love and peace. My heart is clean before You and I ask that this post will be read with discernment and love. I am not wanting to divide the Body of Christ. You know, Lord, that I am wanting to use this post to bring healing to the broken - which I feel is your heart for the Body. Please usher in Your Healing Power to those who are still in the bitter, angry stage, and keep moving me forward towards complete peace, love and joy. It's in Jesus Name that I pray, Amen.

Spring - An April Update

(whoops, I forgot to publish this one)

It is Spring and my body is still waking from hibernation. I did not have much pain this past winter, but my energy levels were quite low. Even though I felt better I think my health was still subpar.

I recently read Stepping Heavenward again. Always a pleasure. I love the writing style. I love the primary characters. Reading the book again challenged me. Along with my physical hibernation I have also been struggling spiritually. Doubt. Bitterness. Anxiety. All the chief players were taking shots at me and I didn't fight back... I guess I was too tired to do so. But, reading the book seemed to have jerked my spiritual heart out of cardiac arrest.

I see now more than ever how Christian fiction truly can touch lives. I want to write books that encourage people to look up from whatever is dragging them down. I want to write books that improve people's lives. This is no short order. I need to keep praying.

There are different seasons of life. And, I know that (after God) family comes first. I will not add anything to my life that will harm my family. My husband is great about helping me to see a big picture. But, this I know, I love writing. And when I am not writing, I am not happy. I don't mean that I have to write public blogs or books. But, I am compelled to write something. I need to keep praying about what that "something" should be.

Ordinary

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I read through my first blog (what is left of it). The posts I enjoyed most were not deep and theological. I liked reading about my family - how the children were growing, what we did in school, etc. I think I will write more of that everyday, ordinary stuff and leave the deep thinking and writing to people who are better equipped for it.

Health update: This has been, by comparison, my best winter in years. I still have more fatigue that I wish to have, but I am not in any pain. I am able to function fairly well. Compared to this time last year I am doing amazingly well! When I ponder the comparison between this winter and last winter I just shake my head. I thank God that I can walk, move, and clothe myself this year. I can even use my hands enough to write short notes and play piano. I will admit that sometimes I am unhappy with my present state. I wish I had more energy and less exhaustion. But, I am working to be continually grateful for the health I have! 

Kid update:

Rebecca (almost age 13) is greatly interested in quilting right now. She is currently working on a baby quilt for a cousin. She enjoys hard work and sits down only to read. She loves reading great novels like Pride and Prejudice. 

Nelson (11) is quite gifted with engineering. His mind makes quick work of anything mechanical. He doesn't care for math paper work, but the gears in his brain are clearly designed for mathematics.

Lydia (9) does not really seem to have any grand interests. She likes to play with all the children and she helps some with chores too. She is probably not the child that would most stand out when you meet my family, but she is a jewel nonetheless. I expect that in the coming years her interests and tastes will blossom and she will become more of an individual and less just one of the family. But, for now, I am completely okay with her being a part of all of us!

Joshua (7) is having some trouble with reading and writing, but he is a bright boy. He likes to build towers and play with the other children. Like Lydia, he doesn't really stand apart from the family right now. He seems to be happy just to belong with the rest of us.

Josiah (5) is smart... and that makes him trouble. I think he has always had a little bit of spark that set him apart from all the other children. From the time he became mobile he has kept me on my toes! He likes to play with the other children, but can also be very independent. 

Jeremiah (3) is still my baby, but he is quite a big little man. He is a sweet and sensitive little guy. 

School:

We are still homeschooling. Most days I expect more of myself and the children. And, Paul tells me that my expectations are unrealistic. But, I sure wish I could pat myself on the back at the end of the day and really feel like I completed a task well. But, home educating is not really an instant gratification activity. Some days I wish I could go out and mow the yard (too bad it's winter) just to feel like I started and ended a project. Home educating can be both maddening and rewarding. I am in a season of great fatigue and fault-finding, so I won't discuss this topic any more this evening.

Diet:

We went gluten free on January 1st of this year (...again!). This is yet another experiment for my chronic illness. Some days I think going gluten free is a great help yet other days I am not sure it is worth the time and expense. But, in the end, our lab work and food diaries show sensitivities to grains. In short, we are trying to eat more veggies.

That's all for now. I need to go to bed.

Recent thyroid scores and health update

I received great news today about my thyroid health! My test scores were all the best they have been in a long long time! We may need to increase my current dosage just a tiny bit, but everything looks great. The blood test scores revealed that I am utilizing my medicine well. Perhaps that is why I feel so good!

It is mid-late November now and I can still function! Compared to past years (and especially last year) I am doing very well! I can walk. I can dress myself and bathe myself. I can cook sometimes. I can wash dishes. I can do laundry. I get up at a decent time every morning. And, best of all, my joints don't hurt!

This is a miracle! Thank you, Lord!

My current daily regimen is:

Levothyroxine 112mcg
Moringa (Zija brand still works the best for me... I am not trying to make money with it. I use it because I can't function without it.)
5,000 IU vitamin D
Selenium 200 mcg
Zinc (Chelate) 30 mg
GarliX, by Xymogen (4- 6/day - because I am still fighting the candida in my body from years of living in moldy houses!)
Iron (as needed during the month)
Women's Phase 1, by Vitanica (2/day)
Magnesium Citrate 200mg
Probiotic 50 Billion (or more if needed)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Chronically Sick Homeschool Mama: Makes Breakfast

source - wikicommons; Public Domain

I want to write useful information on this blog… both spiritually and practically useful. So, I am going to write some specific posts about what it looks like to be a homeschool mama when you are sick… and I mean really sick. (Though, these lessons could be applied to times of morning sickness as well as the chronic illness that I have suffered from.) Beginning with - HOW to make/manage breakfast when you are a sick homeschool mama.

(The following post was originally written in November 2013. I was sick then, but I became far more disabled before my remission in Spring 2014).

Right now, I am in a season of watching my big girl (age 11) make breakfast for our tribe. But, for years I suffered the horrible daily task of facing a hungry mob of kids age 4 and under who really could not do much for themselves. And, my list excludes store bought cereal because my kids respond so violently to refined sugar and grains. But, if cereal works for your family – by all means, utilize every short cut you can!

(Regarding food sensitivities and childrens’ behavior. It certainly appears, from scholarly research and my own life experience, that some food sensitivities cause behavioral issues with some children. I encourage you to keep a food journal and write down the food you and the kiddoes eat and your reactions to them. In my home, we found that certain grains make one of my boys present with all the appearances of ADHD. Being a sick mama with sick kiddoes is a whole ‘nother blog post… But, suffice it to say, do what you can within reason to keep your kiddoes well as much as is in your power.)

-         Pray and ask the Lord to show you what to make your kids for breakfast. Seriously. God wants you to involve Him in your life. He will answer you if you take time to ask and listen.

-         Plain yogurt with drizzle of honey or healthy jelly. Add fresh fruit on the side.

-         Oatmeal is your best friend. You (or your husband) can pre-make it the night before in a baked oatmeal recipe. You can throw together oatmeal “slop” even on your worst morning. (By slop, I mean plain old boring oatmeal. Use two cups of water to every one cup of rolled oats. Add a pinch of salt to the mix and cook on low.) For mama and six kids I make 4 cups of oatmeal with 8 cups water. When there were only a few kiddoes and they were smaller, I got by with two cups of oats. Add raisins, nuts, seeds, real maple syrup, or all kinds of goodies to spruce it up.

-         Eggs are a good go-to breakfast as well. You can scramble them fairly easily. And, really, cooking up a quiche is not all that more intensive than scrambling eggs. In fact, I think I prefer the quiche. Whisk the eggs, dump ‘em in the pie plate and cook ‘em. I cannot always add veggies, because most days these past few years I cannot cut vegetables, because my hand/forearm muscles do not function well. Buy pre-shredded cheese and add 1-2 cups in with the eggs. Or, if you feel like you have the strength to clean up the mess, have your kids shred the cheese… but I do not exactly “recommend” this.

-         Smoothies. Buy bananas on sale and freeze them with the peels off in a freezer bag. Buy frozen fruit. You can use store bought yogurt, store bought kefir, or pure fruit juices to mix in with the frozen fruit to make a smoothie. (If you are a truly sick mama, this is not the season of your life to try to make your own yogurt or kefir. Sure it might be “easy.” But, do you really need one more iron in the fire right now? Will the benefits or making your own truly outweigh the cost to your body and mind to make yourself feel like you need to make your own?)

-         If you have a condition that goes into “remission,” or you have some good months, consider freezer cooking during your good months. Just don’t overdo it, Mama! I know the temptation… you have one good day and you overdo it so much that you are laid up for the next three days… don’t do it, Friend, unless you have several consecutive MONTHS of health and wellness. Muffins, breads, and waffles have been a great freezer breakfast for my family.

-         During times when I felt less sick, I would make “hash” with sausage, store bought “southern style” potatoes, and scrambled eggs. 

-     Take a walk through the freezer section at your local grocery store. Those pre-made sandwiches look scrumptious! I never bought any, because it was cost prohibitive. But, it might work for some incomes.

-         Who says breakfast has to be “breakfast” foods?! Give the kids (preservative free) lunch meat and cheese roll-ups with a can of fruit. Heat up rice and beans (or any leftovers!) from last night’s dinner.

-         Jesus ate fish for breakfast (at least on one occasion). Cook up some salmon in the skillet. (This is one of our regular breakfasts nowadays).

-         If you have the money, consider buying healthy granola bars. Or, if you know you feel better in the afternoon than in the morning, make your own bars to eat tomorrow morning.

-         Natural peanut butter or almond butter and healthy jelly on healthy bread/toast. There were months on end that I can remember giving the kids peanut butter on Nature’s Own whole wheat bagels. The children started making this for themselves as early as age 4. Add a banana or an apple and it seems like a well-balanced meal to me! There were a few years the children and I nearly lived on frozen waffles and peanut butter for breakfast. It wasn’t ideal… but I had to do what I had to do.

I think one of the most important starting points is get the preconceived notions about “what a good mom gives her kids for breakfast” out of your head! You know your limits. No one else knows how you feel. You need to feed your children as well as you can with the resources you have (both financial and physical!). Ask the Lord to show you what you can and cannot do in terms of physical strength. Trust me, I speak from experience, the Lord would rather you feed the kids store bought cereal every day than wear yourself out by making an elaborate feast that will leave you depleted and open to the temptation to yell, curse, criticize, make mountains out of molehills, or whatever your vice is.

Don’t let yourself be bullied into making meals beyond your ability because you feel like it is what you are “supposed to” do! Too many moms are trying to live up to these expectations – most of which are unrealistic lies from the Enemy sent to destroy us.

What does the Lord say?

Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it
Than a house full of feasting with strife. Prov 17:1 (NASB77)

If you are hearing thoughts of condemnation because you did not make a “complete, balanced” breakfast that compares to a magazine cover, that is NOT the voice/thoughts of God!

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 (NASB77)

God’s primary concern is not what specific foods you give your children for breakfast, but rather your attitude while you serve them. Do you love your children? There are some mamas who put themselves under great strain trying to create the perfect diet for their kids, but in reality, doughnuts served with love and a smile would be healthier for your kids than eggs and turkey sausage served with a grimace and a side of discontentment and grumbling.

I hope you hear my heart on this. I can see times in the last ten years where I did very well. And, I see times where I was feasting with strife. I just want to caution and encourage other sick mamas from the trenches. I’ve been there. I am there now. But, fortunately, we made it through the days of having 4 kids age 5 and under. And, they all lived to tell about it. None of my kids lose sleep at night having nightmares about the days they used to eat frozen store bought waffles every morning for breakfast. Seriously. BUT, there have been seasons where my SuperMom gene was going strong and I tried to make elaborate whole food feasts that ended with kids and mama all screaming and/or crying. We do remember those days. Thank God that even those memories, when viewed through the proper lenses, do not bring condemnation. (Or, if they do, it is not from the Lord, and we can tell Condemnation to “take a hike.”) Your kids will remember that you served them as well as you can in your sickness. That is enough.

One last thought – your children are following your example, whether you want them to or not. Do you want your children to serve breakfast to their future families in the same manner that you do? There is time to change. Start today. Ask the Lord for wisdom and knowledge. He will hear you. He will answer you.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:2-5 (NASB77)

God in the Dessert - A look back at 2013

We all daydream of mountain top experiences in our lives. Few of us like the moments in the valley or the dessert. But, I have been meditating on life in the wilderness for quite a while now.

For our family, 2013 was a year spent wandering in the wilderness. God ALWAYS provided for the things that we truly needed. Sometimes we had to wait until the eleventh hour. Sometimes God would not give us what we wanted, because He knew that we did not NEED it. But, God never left us.

When the Israelites were wandering in the dessert God provided their daily bread one day at a time. I have come to believe that this may be the single greatest sign that a person is truly in a spiritual dessert… because they literally have to pray “give us this day our daily bread.” (Daily bread could be literal food, physical strength, emotional stability, etc.) We humans don’t do well with one-day-at-a-time philosophies. I want to know that my financial future is secure. We want retirement plans, life insurance, secure jobs, etc. And, there is nothing wrong with good planning! God gave us our brains to plan for our future.

But, some times we experience situations completely outside of our control. In our case it was Paul’s herniated discs from January to March. Then, a few months of work. Then, another type of hernia from May to July. Back to work for a few weeks in August. Then, WHAM!, someone ran into Paul’s UPS truck and Paul was fired for being in a wreck that wasn’t his fault. Back to work in October and running strong till the end of the year resulted in a total of 32 weeks working and 20 weeks without work and without pay.

Talk about a dessert.

I hated it. I kicked against it. I refused to learn from it. I continually prayed against it. I wanted it over. I don’t ever want to go back.

But, yet…

In the dessert is where our faith is truly tested and refined. God loves our family so much that He wants us to be closer to Him. And, as I read the Old Testament (in particular) I see God saying to the Israelites that they will draw near to Him in the wilderness. They will cling to Him in the dessert. They will run to Him when under attack from the enemy. But, when they have plenty of food and money… then, they seem to allow distance to come between them and their Creator. (See Deut. 6)

We all do it.

I was crying the other day. Paul was with me while I was emoting… and he had some wise responses. He said, “What’s so great about the mountain? We learn in the dessert. We don’t learn on the mountain. On the mountain we say ‘Lord, should I build you three tents?’” (See Luke 9, especially verse 33) I see his point. Paul is right.

God loves to give us blessings. But, His blessings are not always in the form of more money and better health. There are times that He sees that we will grow from a period of sifting. Satan asks the Lord for permission to sift His people. He asked for permission to bring trouble to Job. These troubles are allowed by the Lord because blessings come in many forms.

Our family prays nightly that we will be the family God has meant us to be. It is quite possible that we need to go through some rough times to refine us and purify us. I cry out daily, “I want what You want for me life.” If you are going to pray that prayer…well, you need to be prepared for God to answer. And, it may not look like what you expect. Maybe God does want to give you riches and health. But, maybe He wants you to taste a bit of pain to be better acquainted with the sufferings of Jesus Christ. (see Phil 3:7-10)

Some of my dearest friends would view this line of thinking as heresy. But, Jesus tells us that in this world we will have troubles. He does not promise that we will be free from trouble! (see John 16:25-33) He promises that He will be with us when the trouble comes.

So, I write this on the edge of the dessert gazing towards the fertile crescent. It’s so close that I can smell the water and green grass. I acknowledge that I would rather be in the refreshing green pastures than in this arid climate, but I want to recollect (in case I lose sight of the Lord when we enter a time of abundance and plenty) that the time in the dessert was/is well-spent.

I don’t ask the Lord to take me back to the wilderness. But, if He sees that it is necessary for our family to spend more time there – I will try to praise Him in the midst of that situation, because God is still God. He is the One who gives us the daily manna in the dessert. He will never leave us or forsake us. And, I trust that the Lord will do what is necessary to fulfill His purposes for my life. (Psalm 57:2)

NOTE: I wrote this thinking that our time in the dessert was nearing an end. Paul was working full time at UPS (finally) and all would be well. So I thought. But, my fibromyalgia reached an all time low. In Feb-April of 2014, I could not take care of my own basic needs. Paul left his job at UPS to care for me and teach the children. At the time, it seemed like the only solution. The months that followed were far worse than the agonies we had experienced in 2013. So, perhaps, we needed more time in the wilderness to draw near to God. By American standards, we have not yet had a time of "abundance and plenty," but our table has food on it and we have vehicles that work. I am grateful!  

Chronically Sick Homeschool Mama (reposted)

Reposted 07-22-2014 (Originally written November 9, 2013, during a health trial that got much worse...)

After getting a decent amount of sleep I feel a little more equal to the task of writing about what is going on in our home these days.

I am a sick mama. I’ve been trying to fight it. I’ve been trying to disguise it. I’ve been trying to outright deny it (to myself). But, the truth is, I am one sick mama.

The symptoms for which we recently expected a pituitary gland tumor were these: both ears ringing. Loudly. Since October 8^th. Lactating, though it has been more than half a year since I nursed the baby. Drastic change in appetite. Terrible weight gain. Forgetfulness. Headaches. And more.

As I noted yesterday, the MRI showed absolutely no problems with my brain. This is good news, but not necessarily easy news. Hear me out… I do NOT want to have a tumor! I do not want cancer, or MS. I am NOT saying that it would be easier to be sick from any of those awful causes! But, for a few days I felt like (for the first time in eight or so years) I was justified in my sickness. You cannot possibly understand unless you too have an invisible illness like chronic fatigue, or fibromyalgia, or hypothyroid, or some other undiagnosed sickness.

For years I have battled in my own mind how to be a mama of all these kiddoes and homeschool while I am so very sick. And, yet, no one really knows how sick I am. I do not necessarily “hide it.” I flatter myself to think that I am one of the most authentic people you will ever meet. (Let that sentence in and of itself tell you of my authenticity *winks*)

Yet… I am a recovering SuperMom. I am one of that class of homeschool mamas that wants to represent the homeschool movement (and the Lord!) so well that I push myself beyond my breaking point each and every day. My body would say “sleep, rest,” and my mind would say “but the dishes aren’t done!” As though the dishes are more important than my health. To be honest, it has been as though for the last eight or so years of homeschooling, I carry a host of condemning voices with me throughout my day.

These voices (or rather ideas/notions) enslaved me as only the most brutal task master could ever do. I was/am driven to have a perfectly clean house. Driven to have the perfect diet. Driven to be the perfect mom and have the perfect kids. And, usually these condemning voices/notions came at me in the form of believers… not unbelievers. Comparing myself to the blogger mom with ten kids who appears perfect. Comparing myself to the books I read that locked me into this cage in the first place. Seeing myself (I supposed) through the eyes of Christians who choose not to homeschool and (I supposed) were always pointing fingers at me. On and on goes the list.

So, yes, I am unwell… But, I don’t think the biggest problem I am currently facing is my thyroid scores being the worst my doctor has ever seen… or my chronic vitamin D deficiency… or anemia… or adrenal fatigue.

Honestly, the biggest sickness is the one in my heart/spirit. Yes, I am a very sick woman – physically. But, there is an even bigger issue that I need to be healed from… the disease of comparison and condemnation.

Because, you see, I would feel justified being sick if I had a diagnosis of a brain tumor. I would have finally – after all these years – given myself permission to slow down. To be sick. To take time to heal. But, there is a place in my mind that is still wanting to be SuperMom. “What?!,” it says, “And admit you aren’t the perfect mom?! That you are sick?”

This will not make sense to you unless you have been there. I am writing this post to those of you who have been there… who are there.

I am done. I am done trying to be SuperMom. I REPENT of the sin of PRIDE!

I awoke from a dream this morning that I was writing for a newspaper. I was a featured writer on page two. I was brainstorming ideas what I would write about. My list was all ideas of what it really looks like to be a homeschool family… and to be a sick homeschool mama, at that. The Lord, I believe, was showing me that I have to be a herald for the truth. (Of course I am a herald for THE Truth, Jesus Christ, first and foremost!) But, I need to be a voice that is NOT adding further condemnation to mamas who are already burdened.

Lord willing, I will be a voice of one who tells you how to un-strap those burdens off your backs as I learn how to cast aside my own.

Lord willing, this blog will be better used than ever before (by me, the primary author) to exalt the Lord and help us Christian families to see ourselves as the Lord sees us.

The Father loves us. He sent Jesus to die for us. He wants to strengthen us for the journey one day at a time. We are His flock of chicks, He is the Mama Hen who gathers us under His wings. We are all brothers and sisters, as well as fellow soldiers, who need to link arms and hold each other up through the battles of this life.

There is something seriously wrong with a Christian culture that leads to mamas who feel like they can’t even be sick! And, it is not all “in my head.” I have had real life people tell me that I can keep going and do all the things that [she] thinks I was supposed to be. (You know, homeschool mama - teach three languages, teach three musical instruments, and so forth…) I have had others who told me that I am not sick at all… I just need to “overcome” and press on.

Sick Mamas, we WILL overcome! But, overcoming might mean that in your sickness you learn to tame your tongue, you learn to let yourself be sick, you learn to be patient and content in all circumstances while the Lord is at work to conform you into the image of His Son while you participate in a small sampling of His sufferings. You WILL overcome. We WILL be more than conquerors. But, that might mean that you will remain in your sickness a bit longer while the Lord does His Perfect Work in your life.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18 (NKJV)