August Updates

What a month it has been since I last wrote a post.

Moving update - I mentioned that we will be moving again. Even though we are only moving about 15-20 minutes away, it feels the same as when I was 27 and we made a cross-country move. Being almost 40 and pregnant has a way of adding strain to your body! We are part of a church with some amazing people who will come out on moving day and lend their help to loading, unloading, and cleaning. But still, these final days before the move are like crossing the “wall” in a marathon. I felt DONE weeks ago, but we have to keep pressing on.

Baby update -I mentioned in my last post that I am pregnant with Baby Boy Model 2018. Only 10 weeks to go! I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes two weeks ago. As a result, I have drastically changed my diet. We were hoping that diet alone would be enough to keep my blood glucose down, but nope. I started an anti-diabetic medicine last night. I will still keep to the diet recommended by my naturopath – no grains, no refined sugars, no potatoes, light on the sugary fruits. Going without my one soda a day and/or one coffee with sugar a day has been an adjustment. Some days I feel better and see a big difference in my health. Other days, I want to throw in the towel and believe that I would be better off with my Mt Dew and breads.

So far I have tried NOT to think about labor and delivery. This has been an adequate way of avoiding the fear of labor. But, after the move, I need to get serious about planning my birth experience (humanly speaking, of course).

School decisions – In my last post, I spoke of a decision to put some of our kiddos into public school. In the past month, there were changes (more re-routing) of that plan, but my three youngest children begin public school in two days. I'm an emotional wreck over it. But, I know that I cannot teach them this year.

Several people have suggested that I keep them at home and take half a year off for my health. I get that... but, the thing is, I do that about every year. And the boys education may be suffering. I did NOT say it is suffering, just that it may be. In past years we offered experiences and education to the kids that they couldn't have gotten in public school. Being able to go on “field trips” weekly rather than twice a year is great. Gathering with a co-op with a variety of ages melded together was very positive. Being able to travel to see my parents every other week was wonderful. Having a flexible schedule to work around Daddy's crazy schedule was amazing. But, still, I have to wonder if a year (or more?) in public school might add another element to their education that our home schooling cannot provide. Time will tell.

I took Joshua, my 6^th grader, to his first ever open building last night. The halls were full of tiny sixth graders learning to use lockers for the first time, finding their classes, and getting reacquainted with some old friends. Josh did great with his combination lock, and seemed confident about finding his classes on the first day. God fortified me and I did not cry during the whole experience. I kept a running prayer in my mind as we walked the halls and explored a new school. It is a scary time, but I have to trust that we are making the best decision for the kids with the information that is available to us now.

Josiah (3^rd grade) and Jeremiah (1^st grade) have their open house and meet their teachers tomorrow. It's certainly a new era for our family. But, I am trusting God to carry us through.

My oldest, Rebecca, is now in 11^th grade. She was hoping to enter public school but we were unable to reach a compromise with the school district about how to count her previous school credits. The school accepted NONE of them, insisting that they could only accept “accredited” curriculum credits. In the end, Rebecca decided to home school again. She will be working under the care of a veteran homeschool mom close to home. Rebecca will drive there several times a week to be instructed with their younger kids. She will be participating in our homeschool co-op again and she will begin the Tapestry of Grace curriculum that is offered through the co-op. (We have loved our Notgrass curriculum, I highly recommend it! But, it is easier to switch her to the same program being used by the family who is teaching her this year.)

The other two big kids, Nelson (9^th grade) and Lydia (8^th grade) are happy to continue learning at home under our roof. I will be as hands-on as I can be or need to be until the baby is born. Then, Daddy will be home on a family medical leave and he can take over. Thanks, Paul!

I can't think of anything else to report right now. As your family starts another year of school, or goes about whatever work is set before you – I pray blessings for you as I write. My heart's desire is to see Christian families THRIVE. May the joy of the Lord be your strength! God bless.

Re-Routing

Yesterday I had an appointment at a building where I had never been, in a town in which I am somewhat unfamiliar. I had to make a leap of faith and use my google maps app on my phone. So, the night before my adventure appointment, I planned ahead. I let the phone offer the fastest route and I planned my morning trip based on the app's suggestion. Yesterday morning I jumped in the car and followed the instructions the phone gave me. But, just minutes from my destination a road was closed. The city department was doing tree trimming and closed off the whole road. I thought to myself, “isn't that just a perfect analogy for life?”

We make plans. Educated plans. We make choices that we think will be the best for ourselves and our family. We pray and seek God's wisdom and instruction and we begin our adventure. But, sometimes, even after doing our due diligence of planning, there are roadblocks in the way.

This is the metaphorical picture of where our family is right now. We were navigating with the Lord to lead us and with wisdom and knowledge to guide us. We chose the path of homeschooling when our oldest was still in diapers. At that time, we made the best decision we could with the information that we had. And, it was a good choice for our family.

(At this point, I need to insert some news that will change the navigation of this story line. I am expecting a new baby boy in October. This has not been an easy pregnancy. Not just because I am almost 40. Not just because of my “normal” physical ailments of autoimmune hypothyroidism, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue. But, also because ten weeks ago, I had an emergency appendectomy. Due to that difficult first trimester and appendix issues that were masked by the pregnancy/morning sickness, I lost an atypical amount of weight. Just this past week – at 25 weeks pregnant – I finally got back up to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Aside from that physical stress, there has been great emotional turmoil. I lost one of my best friends to cancer in my first trimester. Mindy was 40 years old and left behind 4 children and a grieving husband. My world was rocked by her death. I still miss her every day. Some days I think I see her and it takes my breath away. Some days I think about her and break down in tears. I am still grieving. But, that's not all. To add more duress, there has been an unexpected change in our housing situation. The landlords have decided to sell the house which we are currently renting. So, not only did I have to prep our rental home for sale with realtor photos and showings, but we had to find a new residence. I am happy to say that we have found a home to move to in August, but the process hasn't been easy. And, the emotions of pregnancy make all these issues even worse than they already would have been.)

Back to our story line. Our family was cruising along with our intention to homeschool every child through high school. It was our informed decision based on the circumstances that we were aware of at the time.

Enter the roadblock.

This pregnancy has been difficult and my health has been patchy. I am tired continually. My aches and pains that usually abate during pregnancy have not ceased. In fact, in many ways I am worse than I was 5 months ago. Baby Boy is due in October. So, I have made the heartbreaking decision that I am not currently able to continue homeschooling our 6 gems. I may keep some of them at home, but the little guys (especially the 6, 8, and 11 year olds) need more help than I expect that I will be able to give them.

Roadblocks are not always a bad thing. Yesterday, I had to pick up my phone map app and reroute my own trail (because google couldn't understand that my road was closed). So, I found a new path in the countryside and drove into town from a new direction. It was pretty. I even thought to myself, “I need to bring Paul here, maybe we could live in this area some day.” It was an unexpected trip, but it was still pretty. And, I ended up being only 10 minutes late to my appointment.

I will now tell you that my appointment was with the public school office to begin registering my three youngest for elementary and middle school. I was already emotionally frazzled just because of the nature of the appointment. Add in the stress of the road being blocked and I was kind of on edge. I am a planner. And I like to control everything my circumstances. I had intended to arrive a bit early. I had intended to go directly there. But, the best of my planning could not have foreseen the roadblock.

Lord willing, we will put three (or more) children into public school this year. It may or may not work out. We do not at all expect this transition to be easy. In many ways it will be more difficult, but if I list those reasons I will sound like Debbie Downer. I am choosing to focus on how public school can help our children and family, because I need to keep myself from coming undone.

This decision has not been easy. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to turn my kids over to the public school after sheltering them for so long (I don't deny it, my kids are indeed sheltered). I don't want to plan for the worst. But, with the information available to me now, it is time to re-route.

I am not writing this to start a debate (far from it, I really don't like arguments and confrontations). But, I am sharing my heart, because: 1) If I don't write, I will bust; and 2) Maybe my honest sharing of my struggles will bless someone. Maybe it will bless me. Maybe it will bless a random reader who stumbles upon my blog by “accident.” All I know is that my heart is bursting to write. I am compelled to share this journey, and to do so publicly.

There may be further roadblocks. Plans may change again. Any number of challenges could arise which could cause us to re-route or re-trace our path. We are doing our best to hold our children loosely while God does what He needs to do in their lives to shape them to be who He intends them to be. His purposes are even better than what we would choose for them, therefore His intended Path for them is greater than the one we map out in our limited knowledge.

May God bless us as we re-route this educational journey.

Stuck on the hamster wheel - Part three in a series from my journal

Slaaende Lighed -Public Domain-wikicommons

Read Part One and Part Two first to get the whole story.


We left off with a second pregnancy, just after life with my first was calming down a bit. How will I react? (The birth of my second child was in 2003. But, I recorded these thoughts much more recently than that.)

We moved to North Carolina for seminary [when my first child \was 16 months old and I was pregnant with Baby #2]. Nelson was born. My expectations for Baby Two's pregnancy and birth were far more reasonable. But, I still required a perfectly well-ordered, clean house. So, I continued to push my body beyond healthy bounds. This tale of misery (that is, unrealistic expectations) and downward spiral continues through six babies. Many moves. Many churches. I tried to retain control. I kept cooking and cleaning to please me... because it seemed to be the only thing that I could control. 

Wrong. Enter food sensitivities, I can't even feed my own kids. I don't even know how to feed my family any more. I have known for years that grains were our enemy. (They produce such bad behavior, tummy issues, etc). But, now I am having to choose to feed my kids food that makes them sick - OR - kill myself learning a new food regimen. I hate food now. There is no pleasure in food anymore. I generally choose the easy meal that I can prepare without murdering a child during preparation... Once again, I am a failure. 

OK, so I know that GOD doesn't hate me. Just like with the breast-feeding, He knows all that I don't know. So, why do I feel like God sees me as a failure? The Enemy whispers - God wants women to be home-makers... and I am a failure. I can't keep my house clean enough. I can't cook special foods. I hate my failures. (Yes, of course I can see the truth twisting in those sentences. I know that God does not require a clean house.) 

[My husband] is always saying that it is my own self that I want to please. I see his point. Yet, I can't let go. If it is for me, then apparently my opinion matters more than God's. Kingdom of Self must be the Ruler. I don't know. I hate this unrest in my soul. I hate the misery and unhappiness. I have little joy. I have few pleasures... only the foods that I am not supposed to eat. (Note added for blog readers: This is a bit overstated. I was having an especially dreary day when I wrote that. I have joy... and I have struggles!) 

I have no control. Yet... I keep aiming for control. Constant misery. I can never clean well enough. I can never cook well enough. But, I don't know how to stop trying! Constant misery! Sheer torture. Where is the off switch? Where is the "I give up" button? Please, God, show me how to end this kingdom of self and take me off this treadmill of misery and failure. 

(In the following poem/song I actually see myself as a hamster in a wheel, but treadmill fits a little better.)

The Treadmill
By Bethany Woods

Every morning I step on

Each day starts the very same way

Look around, take note, make a plan

Then I try to have my way

I try to make some sense of it all

I need order, I need rhythm, I need sense

But, I'm caught on treadmill 

of my own design

I'm caught on a treadmill

I'm standing here, marking time

Never moving forward

Never in advance

I'm always here, always stuck, there's no sense

On the treadmill

Got my plans, Got my way

I need to keep control of this

But my mind is surging, boiling, miserable

Every plan is thwarted

Every road is blocked

The road map in my mind is undone

And I'm caught on a treadmill

of my own design

I'm caught on a treadmill

Just standing here marking time

Never moving forward

Never in advance

Always here, always stuck, there's no sense

on the treadmill.

I need to relinquish

all my plans my own way

There must be a plan that makes sense

I will try to watch for His way

Do His will, Do His way

Trusting that this will all work for my good.

Just get me off this treadmill

of my own design

I hate just standing here

I'm finished just marking time

Goind forward, need to advance

Praying Your Kingdom will be done

in my life.

Keep me off the treadmill.

I am going to end this series here. You can see that my mind can still be conflicted at times. But, at least now I see that I am subject to my own need to meet what I acknowledge to be my own expectations. This is a step. I have a long way to go. I have shared my struggles so that, if you can relate, maybe you will be catapulted along in your own advancement towards getting off the hamster wheel! I think a lot of mamas feel this way... especially homeschool mamas. Few open up about it publicly, but it is spoken of between true friends.
Comments are off again, because these thoughts are from my tender, private journal. I let you all read it, but I do not seek responses right now. I am not looking for answers. I usually know the right answers in my head. I just need to learn how to live the Truth in my heart!
I am making it my point every day to try to see myself through God's eyes. His love changes everything! 

PostPartum Depression - Part two in a series from my journal

Find Part One here.

Wikicommons - public domain;
Charles W. Bartlett

We left of with my firstborn, Rebecca, overthrowing my plans.Will things improve? Let's read on. I add a bit more commentary to this one. Where there are parentheses and the word "Note," that is additional commentary.

From day one with Rebecca I tried to be in control of my dreams, hopes, plans, and expectations. I kept the house as clean as I could. I kept myself showered. I finished college. But, I lost sleep to do it. I hurt my body to be and do all that I expected of myself. With Rebecca, I was totally unprepared for real life with a baby. And where my expectations collided with reality there was terrible repercussions... in the form of postpartum depression. 

My body was beyond weary. My body could not heal after birth, because I pushed myself far beyond the limits of my postpartum ability. I bled heavily for months. At least three, probably more. Again... I didn't know at that time that bleeding is the body's way of saying "STOP!" I just didn't put it all together, until a doctor told me with Baby #2 that such bleeding is abnormal and unhealthy. (Note: I had anemia before birth! Afterwards my iron positively plummeted. If only I could go back in time armed with what I know now! But, it is what it is, and I cannot change it.) 

My SuperMom complex started before Becca was born. Because I thought I could finish my degree and give birth. In the end, I didn't do school or motherhood very well.
On the day before graduation, they announced the honor students, I cried when my name was not called out with any form of cum laude. I felt like a failure again. Oh - the pain of working for years towards a goal and then one pregnancy... one baby... ruined it all. And, my body was ruined. Walking to get my diploma in May, still bleeding from the Baby born in March. Company came. All had to be perfect. I pushed too hard. More misery. To this day, I still struggle with the feeling that I have failed at everything from the fall of 1999 onward. (Note: I began Bible college in fall 1999. It is quite likely that my unrealistic expectations were raised while I was at this institution. Either that, or getting married began the cycle of not getting my own way - which was heretofore not threatened. Probably both. Also, it might sound like I regret having Rebecca or that I resent her. That is not at all true. I was begging God for a baby! I cried because I wanted a baby so badly!  I just did not know what real life with children looked like! I love my children. God means these experiences and these children to grow me and shape me!)

How did I deal with this stress? (That is, the stress of being a failure.) I cleaned and tried to stay in control. Only, now there was a baby! Babies make messes! Babies have their own time-table. I controlled as well as I could... but my body suffered tremendously. And, I was way too tired to enjoy being a mother. Finally, our precious child began to learn my systems. All was improving... Then, God sent another baby my way. Another pukey pregnancy. Another mess maker. Another person to destroy my plans. 

But... it's God's plan.
Yes, it's all God's plan. So, why was I perpetually miserable? 

I have turned off comments because this subject is so tender to me. (If you have a question or thought you want to share through email, contact me at flutefelicity@aol.com) This post was harder to write/publish than I expected. I am really struggling with letting all this garbage in my past (nearly 13 years ago) be known. BUT, I am doing it because I really think that God wants women to share some of the real hardships. Perhaps, if someone had been real with me, my expectations would not have been so skewed! I do not think I am the only mom who has struggled with selfishness and upset in kingdom of self...maybe just one of the few determined to share my struggles to help others.

Will I ever put aside these unrealistic expectations? Tune in soon for part three! 

Expectations VS. Reality - Part One of a series from my journal

Public Domain - wikicommons

These are some snippets from my private journal, I will post a new section each day until I share as mush as I think I should. I think some of my observations about myself may enlighten someone other mama (or papa) out there. My desire with this series is to help families (especially mamas) grow in wisdom and strength. So, I share my private thoughts. This is very candid. Very honest. If you have not yet had children, and you are in that place of begging and pleading for a spouse or children - please do not judge me. I love my husband and my children. I am just exploring the roots of unhappiness that turn up in every marriage - unrealistic expectations.

I have always wanted to be in control. I think, deep down, we all want to be in control. We are - after all - made in God's image. BUT, we are sinful creatures who have distorted His design. So, my chief end in wanting to be in control is probably trying to be God. No... I would never say it like that out loud, but when you peel back all the layers that appears to be the root.

There are two things I have long sought to control as my own "coping" mechanism for stress. I first started seeing this pattern in high school, but especially in early college. 1 - My dietary intake. 2 - order and cleanliness."

(Here I skip some personal info that I do not think would be profitable to this blog.)

"[In high school] I chose to eat at Hardees' most every night. I liked it. I liked my co-workers. I liked the food. I liked our conversation. I chose my diet.
As a young single woman it was very easy to control both my diet and the order and cleanliness of my surroundings. My parents were clean people. There were no children.  There was no threat to my order."

(Now I will skip to when I get married.)

"My expectation was that (as a woman) I would cook. Oops. I never learned how to cook. Major trauma to my immature heart as I watched Paul cook. Words still cannot express this first bursting of my idyllic bubble of expectation. From there on, it would be one crushed expectation after another. BUT, in marriage, an adult may be pliable enough to change. Paul did. I never let go of my plans. Paul began laying down his life daily about fifteen years ago. 

So, for the first two years of marriage life was still somewhat controllable. But, those things beyond my control would make me unhappy. I was very much living for myself, with very little threat to that. Yes, I chose to go to a Christian school. Yes, I chose to marry a preacher. In a way... that made me happy. I had no idea how little personal pleasure and gain there was in being a preacher's wife (or I never would have done it). God allowed me to be blinded. I deceived myself with massive unrealistic expectations for our future ministry together. 

We did enjoy a couple of years of serving side by side before the event which most over-turned my well-laid plans. A baby was born. My first. It is my belief that marriage and child-rearing are the two areas where we have more unrealistic expectations than anywhere else. (Occupation/employment may be a far third.) 

From the first, this new creature, which was meant by God to be a blessing, tortured me in every way. She upset my kingdom of self! First, I was sick. Pregnancy was "supposed" to be nice. Nope. I was sick. Very sick. Then, when she was born.... wow, I was totally unprepared for REAL life as a mom. She cried. Constantly. She didn't nurse well... and putting her on formula was my first-ever "failure" as a mom. I am far enough removed (now) to see that nursing was my expectation, society's expectation, and my friends' and family's expectations; but, though God designed me to breast feed my baby, HE was not calling me a failure. He knew that unbearable, excruciating pain was a yeast infection. I didn't know that. God was not mad at me. I know that now. But, at the time, I believed that I failed God, myself, society, all my friends, and family. Lovely. The misery began compounding from that day forth. Never had I felt such misery. Never before had I been this much of a failure. 

I have turned off comments, because this subject is too tender to me. But, if you need to speak to me you can email me at flutefelicity@aol.com Sharing these thoughts and publishing them was harder than I thought it would be!  Will I conquer my expectations and find peace? Tune in soon for part two! 

Jeremiah's Birth Story

...The Condensed Version...

I was scheduled to be induced first thing Wednesday, December 28th. I began having regular contractions after midnight the night before. I lightly slept through them, but knew that this was "the real thing." I got up and showered at 4:30 after a restless night. We planned to leave at 5:30. By then, the contractions were about 8 - 10 minutes apart. We arrived at the hospital just before six and were taken to a room.

6AM - Upon entering the labor and delivery room - I panicked - big time. Paul was beside himself, because such irrational panic is reserved only for sightings of mice because I rarely have such unreasonable fear. But all the sights and smells of the room made me remember my last experience (read Josiah's Birth Story here.) ... which we see now was more traumatic to me then we realized at the time. I knew that I feared labor, but we did not know how intense my fear was until I went into the room. I cried. I refused to get on the monitor. I refused to start the Pitocin. I wanted my doctor... and I thought I would demand a C-section. I was seriously, seriously out of my mind with fear.

7:30 - My own OB came in and talked very calmly with me, telling me that she understood my fear. She and another nurse explained that "there must have been some gross misunderstanding" regarding my last birth. She apologized that I was left to sit in fear for hours on end, afraid that my water would break and Baby Josiah would die. I gave Paul a look like "did I imagine the whole thing?", but no - Paul too had very real fear during Josiah's inducement as well. She left us alone to talk over what we wanted to do... would I go home and come back later???

8AM - Lllllooongg story short - My OB calmed me down enough to be able to make a rational decision. I was still scared of having something go wrong. I really do think I was traumatized by my last experience there. So, Paul and I (with the advice of my OB) decided to have an epidural put in. Not only would I be ready in case of any emergency, but I would have no pain if we had to use Pit to speed up labor. I have never done an epidural, and I felt a little like a failure. But, Paul told me that I was being proud. (He was right, by the way.) After talking it out, Paul and I both felt at peace about this decision.

By 9AM - The epidural was put in place and medicating me. I immediately felt my body relax. It was a wonderful feeling!!!

By 10AM- There was talk of breaking my bag of waters, but the baby was still too high and bouncy. So, we decided to go ahead and start Pitocin to aid my body in the process. I was not upset by this decision, because the epidural made me feel very relaxed. I did have an unusual response to the epidural. (not uncommon, just "abnormal") My blood pressure plummeted and I passed out. The quick fix was to give me more fluids through my IV. I had to wear an oxygen mask for 15-30 minutes, but I was feeling like myself again very quickly. 

11AM to 1PM - It is all a bit of a fog... I slept some. Paul ordered lunch and read a book. They checked my progress and added more Pit every 20-30 minutes. Somewhere just around one they broke my water.

1-2PM - Immediately after breaking my water my labor went into "transition." I was very grateful that I could not feel the pain of it! They came in often and asked me how I was feeling. I was actually feeling very well... no pain, all relaxed... wonderful!

2:15PM - The OB said I was fully ready, though I could not feel as much pressure as I expected. I was truly amazed at how well the epidural worked! The OB called in the attending physicians and asked me to push. I did push - once, twice, three times and out popped a Baby.

2:20PM - A painless birth - we finally got to meet Jeremiah. They wrapped up my messy little man and placed him in my arms. I was crying for sheer joy over finally meeting him!

The clean-up was quick and uneventful. And, in no time at all I was nursing my little man in my recovery room.

All in all - it was a very good experience. I now think that epidurals are the best invention ever! (HOWEVER, I am not advising any first-time mom to use one! My body already knows how to have a baby, and even when numb I already know how to push. A first-time mom would not know how to push and your labor could end up drastically longer than if you went drug-free. But, for you natural birth veterans who have already done the drug-free thing for your first five babies - do give it a try! Epidurals are wonderful.)

My recovery time in the hospital was the best ever. I was able to get around and walk and use the toilet much sooner than usual! My body had been so relaxed during labor that I had significantly less muscle pains in the following week than I usually do. By 5PM the same night I felt like I could take over the world! I felt that good!!! I am very pleased that Paul talked me into the epidural. And, I am still at peace with our decision. I know that not everyone has a good experience, so please don't take me as the final authority. I am just saying that (for me) the epidural proved to be a wonderful procedure! If we have another baby I would plan to do another epidural if there was time! It made all the difference. What's more - this birth experience was so pleasant that I do not think I would spend my entire pregnancy worrying about the birth, as I did with this baby. There were moments when I could tame the worry, but for the most part, my pregnancy was marred by my constant fear of labor and delivery. Oddly enough, the epidural helped to relieve my fear. And, Paul and I (who were there) agree that the epidural was actually an answer to our prayers for peace and a pain-free delivery.

This was just a condensed version - if you have any comments or questions feel free to ask. I am usually an open book...

Still Expecting

No Baby yet.

Y-day we ran errands for hours. I walked through Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, and even Lowe's. Still no baby.

I know he will come in God's Time. This post is not me complaining, it is just me updating because I was not online y-day.

Ultrasound

It is a little unusual to have a 39 week ultrasound, but we did it nonetheless.

Baby appears to be 8 pounds, 8 ounces ("give or take half a pound"). I do NOT have too much fluid, so that worry is no longer a concern.

I am thinking (at least today, right now) that if Baby does not come on his own I will go ahead and go in for the inducement Weednesday morning. We are praying that Baby would come before then, but NOT on Saturday. Paul will be working ALL DAY (until evening) delivering packages. He cannot get out of it unless I go into labor before he leaves that day (and even then UPS would not be congenial). He will be completely unavailable to me that day. So, we are praying for a Friday baby... or a Sunday baby, just NOT a Saturday baby. (I have made other arrangements just in case. I wouldn't go in alone...)

Thanks to y'all for your prayers.

39 Week Check Up

Baby is healthy. His heartbeat was 126.

No dilation. Nothing happening.

I have scheduled an elective inducement for next Wednesday, the 28th. I don't want to do it, and I can still cancel... but I had to reserve a place early. Anyway, we won't know for sure until we see an ultrasound this coming Thursday, but my measurement jumped by 3cm in one week. Either the baby is huge, or I have too much amniotic fluid... either option is not happy.

I was induced with Josiah - you can read his birth story here. It was the same hospital almost exactly two years ago. I am scared. I don't like the pain of being given too much Pitocin. I don't like the pain of one contraction on top of another without break. And, I didn't like the fear of them telling me that if my water broke before baby's head was down that we would need and emergency C-section. All of those painful memories are right in my mind... though the worst did not happen.

I was starting to get a handle on my fear. I was starting to be at peace, instead of constantly anxious. But, now I am a ball of emotion again. I came out of the office crying today... inductions scare me! Anytime we try to make things happen in our timing, it seems like there is more possibility of trouble.

If I do not do the induction Wednesday (and the baby does not come first) then she wants to for sure induce me the following Wednesday (Jan 4th). She does not let patients go past one week late (which is why Josiah was induced 2 years ago). So, I have some praying to do.

Prayers for peace and wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Horror stories of labor/inducements would NOT be appreciated. I am a bit of an emotional wreck, so please pamper me with nice comments. ; )

GREAT Baby Shower Idea!!!

One of my dear friends, my former next-door neighbor, threw me a special kind of baby shower.

A FILL-MY-FREEZER baby shower!!!

Last night, my friend delivered two coolers full of pre-prepared, frozen meals for my family to heat up when we need them. We are SO blessed! Not only is it FREE FOOD, it is free COOKED food!

What makes this even more special to me, is that I do not even know most of the ladies who cooked the meals! My girlfriend attends a different church gathering than we do. (A great example of what the church is supposed to be/do!!!) And, these ladies went all out. And, since each of them is used to cooking for a large brood (as many as 10 kids) the meals are all B.I.G.

One lady contributed 2 large chicken pot pies. Another made 4 pizza kits with homemade dough and store-bought sauce included, toppings already cooked. Another gave lasagna. Another gave large portions of  "Mexican Bean dip" with tortillas....ummmm. Someone also gave us cookies and another contributed elk meat (burger) and farm fresh eggs. There were also some side dishes included.

We are SO blessed! If you have a friend who has had a baby recently or is about to give birth, consider a fill-my-freezer party! It will be a gift from God to their family!

Setting Up a Nursery - sort of

We don't have a baby nursery in our house, as our babies room in for about a year. But we have been getting our bedroom set up for the new arrival. Don't you love how I put things off until it has to be done? Ignore the paint on the walls, that was not my choice, it came with the house.

Our changing table was ruined in a "flood" in our last house (don't ask...). So, I am working out a new system. For the toddler, changing on the bed has been our standard operating procedure. But, with a newborn... no way. Babies poop like 5 times a night. They whiz while you are changing them. And, my husband does not need me turning on a light on the bed every three hours.

So, I am going to buy this diaper changing table pad (or one very similar) and set it on the pretty nightstand. It is shorter than will be comfortable for me, but it will be a great height for the girls. And, yes, Rebecca changes cloth diapers. Lydia can change disposable diapers, but she will learn the cloth trade soon!

And, since we don't have a diaper changing table with storage, I am using the white plastic bin for diapers, covers, pins, burp cloths and anything else. The little light on top will not be too bright for middle of the night changes.

The garbage can is my diaper pail. We put cloth diapers, soiled clothes, and burp cloths in this pail until it fills up and we wash them about every other day. (I intend to write more about cloth diapering later.)

And did you notice the Boppy Pillow on the bed? That is a necessity for nursing mamas!

So, there you have it - my nursery. Now, all we need is the Bubby!

Do NOT Buy This PlayPen for a Baby!

We bought this Evenflo Playpen when our last playpen had to be retired. At the time we only needed a play pen for our toddler to sleep in at Grandma's house. For that purpose the playpen is just fine. BUT, we bought it also thinking that it would be used as a bassinet for the new Baby. We finally got around to looking at the bassinet feature and we are VERY disappointed! The little bassinet that hangs inside the big playpen sinks in the middle... I mean, it really sags! Paul and I were actually frightened at the thought of using it! But, we cannot afford a new bassinet now so we had to make do. Here is what we HAD to do to make the bed functional for a little baby.

First we had to put in a firm foundation. We used a baby corral panel, as we already had one on hand. (Waste not, want not). Plywood would likely have worked just as well, but we really did not want to spend money if we didn't have to.

Then, we had to add some squish-factor to the hardness of the baby gate. I used two old bassinet mattresses side by side. (again, we don't throw away what might be useful later.)

Lastly, we added the playpen's own mattress. We will have to buy a few more sheets and waterproof covers, but it will work out fine.

This was a somewhat simple fix, but only because we already had some extra junk on hand to work with. If you want a bassinet for your new baby, do NOT buy this product. 

Today

As opposed to 12 years ago today... (see previous post)

Due Any Day with #6

Still Losing Weight

Nelson Health Update

Nelson seems fine today. He did not throw up again (after y-day at 9:30 am). No headache, no pain. And, he played. So - looks like that might have been a bad migraine or just some nasty headache. Everyone else seems healthy.

Paul went back to work two days ago, and he says that his pleurisy chest pains are worse... but he plans to work through it. The doc said that exercise and work would help.

I am tired today. I took two naps. You would think I was really big and pregnant or something... I feel so lazy, but I just can't get up and work. Hopefully, my sons are learning compassion for future wives, and my daughters are learning something positive too. But, I feel for all the world like a lazy bum.

38 week update

Nothing happening right now. 

No dilation. 

All is good. 

Full Moon Tomorrow

Did you notice that there will be a full moon tomorrow? Maybe Baby will make his grand entrance during the night... though it doesn't feel like it right now.

I am still feeling well. The water cure seems to be working for me. I am drinking about 100 ounces of water a day. (No caffeine either)

We went to the Mizzou campus today for a retirement party. And, we had to walk about 15 minutes from a public parking garage to the student union... that was a work out. But, still, no baby. I do still have about 19 days to go, you know.

Tomorrow I hope to post a book review, something a little meatier than these Baby-has-not-come-yet updates.


Till next time...

37 Weeks (and counting)

Y-day was my 37 week check up. 

My blood pressure was fantastic. 

Baby's heartbeat was great.

Baby is measuring one week ahead.

All is well!

The Boys are Ready

Sweet things the boys said this weekend:

Joshua (4), when I came home from the baby shower: "Mommy, Where's [Baby]?" It was all the more cute, because he used the Baby's name. He was disappointed when I said that the shower was only presents for the baby, and that we have to wait longer for Baby to come.

Nelson (8), in the van two nights ago: Oh WOW! Mommy's going to be able to play soon: soccer, football, frisbee, races. Oh Boy!" Poor Nelson, his love language must be sports play. (I think that would fall under the category "quality time.") He sure misses his mama teaching him and practicing sports with him!

I am very eager too. Both to have a little baby and to run and play again.

Prenatal Advice

Advice For Pregnant Mamas

When packing your bag for the hospital remember to toss in some Vaseline/petroleum jelly.

This lovely goo can be slathered on Baby's behind to make cleaning meconium poopies MUCH easier.

Sick

I realize that if I go a day without posting that you all are likely to think I have delivered my baby.

Not yet. We are still praying for a full-term baby.

I was VERY sick y-day. I said in my last post that I am NOT on bed rest, but I am supposed to "take it easy." (Whatever that means when you have 5 under 10!) Anyway, I went to Wal-mart for groceries and got VERY sick... in the parking lot. Paul rushed me home and I laid down the rest of the night, but I had the most painful contractions ever! I told my mom this morning that "they weren't the real thing, they hurt too bad." That might not make sense, but the contractions were one on top of another. Paul was panicked and begging me to go to the hospital...but I couldn't. I was in way too much pain. During one of the contractions I was holding a plastic cup in my hand... and broke it. (The pain was similar to being induced into labor and having the Pitocin levels set too high, so that your contractions have no space in between and hurt like crazy.)

I was sick again before bed, but slept without any more episodes. And, after my last trip to the bathroom, my pains subsided some. I woke up every hour to sip some water or clear soda. I kept all that down. I am moving around a little this morning, but I have NO desire to have a repeat of y-day. I think I learned  my lesson. If I do get sick again today, I will let Paul take me in for an IV, I know that I am terribly, terribly dehydrated.

The good news -and this might make you laugh... remember how I was asking you all to pray about labor, because I was so scared? Well, the pain last night was so much worse than labor that I am no longer as scared. How is that for a peculiar answer to prayer?

Please pray for my health (and Baby's). Please pray that the kids will eagerly work more than what they consider to be their fair share. Paul could not get out of driving today. But, they promised him the local route, and he hopes to be home by lunch. And, I have a lady from church coming over this morning with a few groceries. I wouldn't be surprised if she helps clean something while she is here - she is that kind!

Thank God for His many mercies - and may we always be able to see the mercies through the troubles.