My advice to Young singles and newlyweds (finances)

It is that time of year again... wedding planning around every corner. It got me to thinking about how it is more important to plan for a marriage than for a wedding. This, of course, takes years of preparations.

This post is not written as an accusation to anyone that I know! Not in the least! It is just what I wish someone would have told me. This is not the sum of my knowledge, just the first dozen or so things that came to mind.

Today's post is limited to one topic - Finances.

I don't know a whole lot about money. I am not a financial guru. But, I can help you learn from my mistakes, and that is my chief aim. Sure, it is a little embarrassing for us to talk about our past, but if it keeps just one person from following our path it is worth it!

- Do whatever you can to stay out of debt as long as you can! So often young adults enter into marriage with the idea of living to the standard they grew up with - it just rarely works this way. I would bet that your own parents as newlyweds rarely ate "out." Most new married couples (20+ years ago) scraped by without the luxuries of fast food and $4 coffee from a drive through. Trying to live like your parents without their income is a recipe for disaster.
- You can live with less furniture, or used furniture. You really don't need to go buy a new bedroom group, dining room group, and living room group (each with a $2500+ price tag). Craigslist and second hand stores always have cheap tables and chairs that you could clean up, or even refurbish, for very little. Auctions would be a good place to look for furniture too.
- You don't "need" cable and home internet. Cable IS a luxury and you can get by without it. And, you probably already have internet on your phone. You can always use the library for more extensive projects. As for cable, we have been married 13 years and have had cable a total of maybe 2 months that entire time. Take walks, go to a park, read a book, make a picnic, go fishing, learn to garden or hunt, learn to cook, do crafts, there is a lot to keep you busy without cable tv.
- If you are still single - SAVE your money! Don't buy bigger better cars now. Don't waste your hard-earned money on soda and coffee. SAVE it! You will thank me later.
- As much as you can, use shop towels and such to clean spills, and save money on paper towels.
- Before you go enter college or grad school, make sure that is what you really want to do. Ask yourself if you really need a degree to do what you see yourself doing in the future. College loans are a headache that hangs over you for years to come! (I am not discouraging college, I just want you to know that you know that you need to go)
- When setting up housekeeping - Buy used appliances. Washers, dryers, 'fridge, etc. You will be glad you did.
- Buy used cars. With cash.
- Consider doing some things "the old fashioned way" - hang out laundry on a line, cook from "scratch," drink water, use wood heat, if you live in town - walk to work.
- Save credit cards for emergencies, do not use them on consumable stuff like fast food (except in a real bind or when traveling.)
- Buy clothes at name brand stores only at the end of the season, or shop at second hand stores. You can look nice without spending a fortune, or signing up for a Macy's credit card account. (Yeah... ask me how I know... only back then it was called Famous-Barr.)
- Do NOT feel obligated to buy nice gifts for friends at weddings, birthdays, etc. A simple inexpensive gift will do just fine. Consider making a gift, like an apron, or cloth napkins or something. Or, just give a card, and when they are in your shoes (married, just trying to make it week to week), they will thank you.
- After you are married - SAVE as much as you can for emergencies, household items (furnace/roof/etc), a baby, etc.
- Write a budget and stick to it as much as possible. Read books by Christian financial gurus.

Above all - Be realistic. You have the rest of your lives to live out your dreams! It does not have to happen this year, or even in this decade!

A few verses to meditate on: The rich rules over the poor, And the borrower becomes the lender's slave.        Prov 22:7 (NASB)

'You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, and you shall not desire your neighbor's house, his field or his male servant or his female servant, his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor.'

Deut 5:21 (NASB)

    For we brought nothing into the world,              and we can take nothing out.   But if we have food and clothing,  we will be content with these.
        1 Tim 6:7-8 (HCSB)

Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,  Yet I will exult in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.
       Hab 3:17-19 (NASB)


What are your suggestions for newlyweds and young singles?

Book Review - What He Must Be...

 

This week I was able to "put my feet up" and "take it easy" while reading Voddie Baucham's book, What He Must Be... If He Wants to Marry My Daughter. This is not a new book, people have been recommending it to me for a few years. But, I was finally able to find it through inter-library loan and get a copy to read (for a nice bargain of 50 cents!).

I liked the book, but I would NOT recommend it to just anyone/everyone I know. The topic of the book, for those of you who don't know, is (in short) courtship. The main theme of the book is how to help fathers guide their daughters through the difficult decision of who to marry. The reason I began by saying that I will not recommend it to everyone is that the book contains some radical views, by "normal Christian" standards. In addition to that, he chases quite a few rabbits and unearths some other doctrines that not everyone would agree on. I LIKED the book, but I did not agree with all of it. And, I see some definite considerations (to be discussed later).

I will not tell you all the specific requirements that Baucham lays out for this future daughter's husband, you can read the book for that. I have NO trouble at all saying that Christian daughters ought to marry Christian young men. And, I completely agree that young women ought not be thrown to the dogs and allowed to date every young man that comes along - just because he is cute or they like the same kind of music. I also agree that fathers need to do more to protect their daughters from unworthy mates.

HOWEVER, how can I recommend this book, and its "radical" ideas of courtship to my SIL whose children all go to public school, and whose husband is a new believer? First of all, their children are away from the house all day long spending their time outside of their parents' supervision. Secondly, how can a newly saved father, who would not even know what to do with the idea of "patriarchy," lead his daughter into something completely foreign to himself? These are my first considerations. (Not that the book is bad. I am not saying that. I am just saying that the book will not reach everyone.)

I think most anyone in the Reformed Baptist, family-integrated, homeschooling circle would love this book. I would have not qualms recommending it to anyone in that camp. And, people - like Paul and myself - who are somewhat on the fringe of that group would likely find the book to be enlightening as well. But, I'm thinking 90 percent of Christians would not get through the first few chapters. Baucham is a great writer, and I love his perspective and his stories... they really hold my interest. But, even I have to admit to getting a little lost when he had long block quotes from the London Baptist Confession of Faith, Puritans, John Calvin, etc. Granted, I was very tired and sick when I read the book... but I am no dummy.
Also, I mentioned that the author chases rabbits. Maybe that is not the right way to put it exactly, but he delves into material that could have been worked into whole other books. For example, he writes about the role of women in church. I am not sure that the topic relates to courtship specifically, and it was one of the chapters that most normal Christians would find offensive. (I am not saying that I was offended. I was not. Though I did not agree with every sentence.)

There is a lot of good in the book. As I said, I like his requirements for the man who my daughter should marry... I hope there is such a man available when my girls come of age. I will certainly be praying for such a man. And, Paul and I are all for protecting our daughters as much as we can from "unworthy" men. But, the idea of courtship assumes that children will be homeschooled and that girls will not go to college. And, if one of my daughters wants a college education for what she feels is God's leading in her life, I do not think we will keep her from college so that we can protect her longer. (Though we currently have NO intention of ever sending ANY child to live on campus!!!) Courtship also assumes that ladies will live with their parents until they are married. And, at this point, I do not think Paul or I would want to hold our girls captive at home if they wish to leave. We want them to stay home, of course, until they are married. But, we are not going to put them in a position where they would feel like they had to run away to have their own individuality.

NOW, let me clarify... I DO NOT THINK THAT VODDIE BAUCHAM'S BOOK WOULD LEAD TO ABUSIVE PARENTS RULING THEIR DAUGHTER'S LIVES! In fact, I have some quotes in a minute to show that point. BUT, I do think that there are unfortunately some fathers who have a mindset to CHOOSE a husband for his daughter and not let her leave until she marries HIS choice. We know... we have seen this. We have seen what I call "hyperpatriarchy" in action. And, it scares us to pieces!!! We have been greatly tempered by seeing the misuse of power of fathers we know. It shows us what we do not want to be. But again, I am NOT saying that this particular book leads to such actions.

Here is one quote to be considered:

Secondly, any man who overvalues male headship is likely to abuse my daughter and/or my grandchildren. (page 96 - original emphasis)

I couldn't agree more! There are, unfortunately, Christian men who are looking for a woman to be a doormat in the name of "patriarchy." We have seen in real life and read in blogs, books and articles - of whole families who seem to exist merely to serve and bring pleasure to the fathers and sons of the family. Hopefully this is NOT the norm, I really don't know. But, we have seen it enough to cause us fear of the very word "patriarchy." But, I digress. Here is another quote:

Thus we see in this instance the complete equality of the man and the woman (made from the same substance) and the distinction between the two. My daughter is no man's inferior. Any man who thinks of her as such is certainly not worthy of her hand in marriage. She is no less valuable to God than any man. She is no less an image-bearer. She is no less a servant of the King. (page 99 - original emphasis)

Amen! I chose this quote to again show that I do NOT think that Baucham is at all a hyperpatriarchal kind of guy. I think he makes some very solid observations.

I chose this last quote because it seems to sum up a lot of the theme of Baucham's book. I think this quote should help you understand what he is all about, and whether or not you are interested in reading the book:
Speaking of instilling a healthy focus in our daughters he says,

We must help them establish kingdom-minded relationships. We must help them develop and employ the gifts God has given them. And we must help them use their time to prepare for the man whom God will bring them as a husband or - for those with the supernatural gift of singleness - for a life completely devoted to God. (page 172)

I like that. I agree with that purpose.

Overall, I really did like the book. And, it gave me a lot of positive ideas to ponder regarding my daughters' futures. I am not writing this post to dissuade you from reading the book, I am just trying to be honest in my "review," so that you know what to expect if you do decide to read it.

I realize that some of my personal, interjected thoughts about patriarchy were tangents a little bit off the topic of this one particular book, and I do not mean for that to reflect on Baucham's book. It is just hard to write a review on a book of this topic, without hedging myself in a little. I kind of wanted to offer some of those thoughts as disclaimers, knowing that some people are violently opposed to any form of patriarchy because of what they have seen or what they imagine could happen.

I am glad that I read the book. And, I will be praying that the Lord will help me keep in mind the positive applications that were made. And, I will pray too that Paul and I will be guarded from any over-exuberance towards this idea that might be more damaging to our family. We want to be a healthy family, and that usually means taking bits and piece of a lot of books and mixing it into a melting pot for future use. Rarely will any of us read a book that we agree with 100%. But, we want to be open-minded and discerning too.

It is my prayer that this post has been helpful to you to decide whether or not you should read this book. I hope that you do. And, I hope that it grows your family together in love.

If you found my review unfair, please leave a comment to let me know - others will read it and it might be beneficial to them.