Taking on the yoke of Christ and removing my heavy load

I have so many heavy, heavy burdens on my heart today. I feel strongly that I need to share some of the thoughts I am processing.

For the past several years Paul and I have (unfortunately) gone from one extreme to the other in many areas of our theology. This happens to most of us from time to time. I acknowledge that we have been double-minded and that we are always seeking to find more middle ground. More balance. Paul and I have a heart for being authentic even when it hurts. We want to lay ourselves before others so that we might save them from making some of our mistakes. Or, if you have already made the same mistakes, we want to pull you out of the mire. BUT, one of the problems with this earnest sharing is... you, my dear followers. My heart aches for those of you who have followed us in to legalism.

What do I mean by legalism? Heaping burdens upon mens' backs that God has not required. I have written so much through the years that I later removed, for fear that it might lead someone away from God Himself and into a set of rules.

You see, I am a person who needs to feel gratification. I am performance driven. I am performance oriented. Grade me. Evaluate me. Give me a stiff set of rules to keep. But, whatever you do, don't be vague and "grey."

Christianity has many black and white areas. There are other areas that are more grey. And, instead of learning charity (with myself), I thought that I needed to know everything. Right now.

Over the past five years we have run straight into the camp of others who were heaping loads upon mens' backs that Jesus does not require.

I need to clarify - I am not calling anyone of you a legalist. I do not know your heart. I only know mine... and that only in part. Sometimes my own heart deceives me. Paul and I thought at every turn that our pursuit for holiness was pleasing the Lord. And, the part of me that yells "Grade me!" felt gratified. I felt like I could check off every possible item on the list of holiness that God was setting on my desk.

But, there was something missing on that list. Faith. We were missing the faith that believed that God's work was sufficient for our salvation. Jesus' blood was all we needed. Jesus makes us holy. We need to try to live in a way that pleases the Lord and honors Him - of course! Grace is never an excuse for sin! But, we do not have to have all the answers in one day, one year, or one decade. Growth takes a lifetime.

So, why am I dredging all of this up again? Now? Well, new patches of dead, barren ground (my heart) keep being exposed when rocks are flipped over. Forgive my metaphor. Other issues keep coming up and exposing the areas where I am still struggling.

But, where did this all begin? What are the roots of my own legalistic journey? That's easy. In 2006, Paul stumbled upon a forum on the internet that disputed all kinds of issues. This forum was not open to public comments. I think (unfortunately) that Paul and I thought we were special that we could get "in." That forum did not encourage us to love and good works. At all. It encouraged us to wrangle with each other with words. It propelled us into searching out ideas that are not on the radar of the "average" Christian. It did not fan a flame to share the Gospel with the lost. It made us feel stupid and unintelligent that we were not as learned as these other men and women.
In all honesty, there are some good posts on that forum. Some. I did not dwell on those. I was caught up in every little topic that would make me feel like I could measure and evaluate my growth and feel gratified. I was focused on the posts that made me feel like I had "arrived."
In case you know of what forum I am speaking, even though I intentionally left off the name: We know the owner of the forum. We went to his church in real life. Paul worked for him in real life. We moved across the nation to be with this man in real life. He loves the Lord. This is not an attack on that forum owner's character. We love him. We pray for him. I know that the intent of his heart is not to lead people into legalism. His heart is to teach. His heart is to see others sharpen one another. But, the forum can start people down an ugly path, if they - like me - are performance driven.

Also in 2006, we were introduced to the writings of certain prominent conservative Christian authors (I erased their names, because I am not meaning to "attack" any one person, couple, church, etc.) I read as many of these books as I could as quickly as I could. This marks a turning point in my life. I do not have the books now to re-read them and see if they are "legalistic," or if it was just the way I read and received them. Do you see the difference? I am not saying that these authors are "bad." Because I just can't be sure.
BUT, when I read their books I got wrapped up in being the perfect wife and mother. I wanted to be the perfect Christian. I wanted to be the perfect pastor's wife. Load upon load upon load piling up on my back.

Another thought - and I truly do not mean to offend, but this is what I see - Legalism will not work if you live away from others that share your belief system. Legalism only works in a group setting. (Of course, I admit, all belief systems work best in a group setting!)

But for me, personally, I was feeling pressured to keep my children in the worship service and be family integrated when no one else was practicing this idea. No one understood me. Paul was preaching. I had three children under the age of four, then four children under the age of five. I was alone. And exhausted.
Homeschooling - same situation.
Having as many children as the Lord gave us - same situation.
Modest dress - same situation.
What I saw as healthy lifestyle changes - same situation.
We were alone and without aid.
(Again, I am NOT saying that all of these ideas are "legalistic." Paul and I still practice many of these ideals, but NOT because we think it will save us, or give us more brownie points on a cosmic scale. God is not grading me. My report card is covered by the blood of Jesus. My mistakes. My insufficiencies. Covered by the blood of Jesus.)

So, here I was reading these books that made me enter into years of bondage of placing myself under UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS and without the aid of anyone "like-minded." I fell apart. I was depressed. I was miserable. I wanted to die. I hated life. I hated my family. Yet, all the while I thought that these intellectuals in the books I read and the forum I was on, were the ones who had it all figured out. They were trying to help me have a more holy life.

Friends - do not let someone else pressure you in to how to live. Not me. Not Facebook. No one. The Holy Spirit will teach you through the Word of God how you should act. Other books might help make sense of the meaning of texts of the Bible. Then again, maybe they won't.

I am NOT angry as I type this. I am NOT bitter. I am sad. I am earnestly trying to save others from losing God in the midst of chasing rabbits. I am trying to lower the bar of what you think God expects, so that you don't kill yourself (and the little ones running behind you) as you jump impossible hurdles and fling yourself (with little ones behind you) through imaginary hoops. I am trying to prevent other legalistic families from suffering, falling apart, or experiencing the tragedy of divorce, abandonment, death, murder, or suicide. (The Lord brought me out before I hurt anyone else or my own self. Others are not so fortunate. My heart aches for the families with mommies or daddies who "snapped" under pressure and made a life-changing mistake. Oh, my dears. If my vulnerability can prevent any such incident, I would gladly bear my whole heart. If you are weary to the point of leaving your family or killing yourself - get help, dear one. You are precious to me and precious to the Father. If you have no one else to talk to, you may email me. flutefelicity@aol.com God loves you, Friend! He has plans for your future! What Satan means for evil, God means for good! You have friends. I am your friend. You can trust me with your pain. I understand. I write this post from my own former agony. There is hope, Friend. Grab hold of it and hang on for dear life!)

Ladies, I am not trying to add to confusion. I do not want to be another voice adding to the chaos around you. I want to be one who comes along and begins to unstrap the unnecessary burdens off your back. I am not saying "drop everything," because that too would be folly.

Mothers, God does require us to try our best to raise God-honoring, God-fearing children. But, it is not all black and white. God does require women to be modest, but it is not all black and white. God does say to be holy, and live in a manner worthy of our calling. Some areas are clearer than others.

Let's give each other grace. We may read different Bible translations. We may dress differently. We may go to different types of worship gatherings. We may choose to educate our children differently. We are all on a journey and NONE of us is perfect. But, if we are believers, we ARE all holy. Jesus Himself has become our holiness. He took our sin. We took His righteousness. Let's be careful of what we try to talk others into doing (or not doing!) in the name of the Lord. Teach in love. Teach with mercy. Teach and lead by example. And, mothers, be ever attentive to the fact that there are little ones chasing after you. Do you want them to do what you are doing? Or, knowing that children often take what we do (or don't do) and blow it WAY out of proportion, do you want them taking your behavior and blowing it up?

Let's be loving, our kids can mimic that. Let's show mercy, we want our kids to catch that. Let's show moderation, forgiveness, understanding, patience, etc.

Pray and ask the Lord to show you if you have un-intentionally heaped burdens on your back (and your childrens'). You can unload them now at the feet of Jesus... and then try not to pick more up along the way... and so on. God will give you wisdom when you ask for it. God wants to heal your heart. He wants you to learn to see yourself as He sees you - through the blood of Jesus. He wants you to keep moving forward and press on to the goal. He wants you to be Christ-like. He wants you to be conformed to Christ. Ask the Lord to show you what He wants from you. Your best answers will be found on the pages of Scripture. Not on a blog. Not in a book. Those may help, but only if they point back to the Lord.

Pray hard and press on.

Analogy in favor of children in worship

One of the things that Paul hears on occasion is that children do not/cannot understand sermons. I have an analogy that I think can be carried over into our Christian life.

Nelson is 8. He has little knowledge of how cars work. But, Paul takes Nelson to the van and shows him various parts using the jargon of a mechanic. Paul can explain the purpose and job of spark plugs. He might explain the job of the carburetor (because our van is old and has one). And, when certain acrid smells burn inside our noses, Paul will teach Nelson about the radiator. At the beginning of these lessons the jargon is liken to a foreign language. Nelson will not understand how a motor makes the van move. But, in time, these concepts will take hold... and Nelson will be making car repairs on his own.

Rebecca is 10. I have worked with her some to begin teaching the rudiments of piano. When she began taking lessons, she did not know the meaning of the words: note, scale, octave, interval, chord, etc. But, in using these words regularly (and with illustrations) Rebecca has learned some of the meanings of and names for the musical forms that she hears. In the beginning she cannot play a song. But, in time she will build upon her knowledge and she will make music.

In church situations, many people think that children cannot be expected to listen to a sermon or teaching that is not geared solely for children. The argument is that kids will not understand the big words and the difficult concepts... after all, we adults don't always understand everything! (For example - the trinity, or atonement, or the virgin birth.) But, teachers and preachers need to speak in a way that will bring the hearers to new understanding and new knowledge. Preachers take the milk and meat of the Word and they break it down into chewable portions. Ideally, a sermon will contain some milk (simple words of explanation focusing on the basic tenets of faith and simple applications) as well as some meat (challenging abstract ideas, doctrines, and more challenging applications). In this way, the child (or new believer) will grow to understand as they hear more teaching/preaching.

Will a child sitting through a church service understand everything he hears? Not likely. But, it is building a foundation and a framework to be built upon in the future.

Book Review - What He Must Be...

 

This week I was able to "put my feet up" and "take it easy" while reading Voddie Baucham's book, What He Must Be... If He Wants to Marry My Daughter. This is not a new book, people have been recommending it to me for a few years. But, I was finally able to find it through inter-library loan and get a copy to read (for a nice bargain of 50 cents!).

I liked the book, but I would NOT recommend it to just anyone/everyone I know. The topic of the book, for those of you who don't know, is (in short) courtship. The main theme of the book is how to help fathers guide their daughters through the difficult decision of who to marry. The reason I began by saying that I will not recommend it to everyone is that the book contains some radical views, by "normal Christian" standards. In addition to that, he chases quite a few rabbits and unearths some other doctrines that not everyone would agree on. I LIKED the book, but I did not agree with all of it. And, I see some definite considerations (to be discussed later).

I will not tell you all the specific requirements that Baucham lays out for this future daughter's husband, you can read the book for that. I have NO trouble at all saying that Christian daughters ought to marry Christian young men. And, I completely agree that young women ought not be thrown to the dogs and allowed to date every young man that comes along - just because he is cute or they like the same kind of music. I also agree that fathers need to do more to protect their daughters from unworthy mates.

HOWEVER, how can I recommend this book, and its "radical" ideas of courtship to my SIL whose children all go to public school, and whose husband is a new believer? First of all, their children are away from the house all day long spending their time outside of their parents' supervision. Secondly, how can a newly saved father, who would not even know what to do with the idea of "patriarchy," lead his daughter into something completely foreign to himself? These are my first considerations. (Not that the book is bad. I am not saying that. I am just saying that the book will not reach everyone.)

I think most anyone in the Reformed Baptist, family-integrated, homeschooling circle would love this book. I would have not qualms recommending it to anyone in that camp. And, people - like Paul and myself - who are somewhat on the fringe of that group would likely find the book to be enlightening as well. But, I'm thinking 90 percent of Christians would not get through the first few chapters. Baucham is a great writer, and I love his perspective and his stories... they really hold my interest. But, even I have to admit to getting a little lost when he had long block quotes from the London Baptist Confession of Faith, Puritans, John Calvin, etc. Granted, I was very tired and sick when I read the book... but I am no dummy.
Also, I mentioned that the author chases rabbits. Maybe that is not the right way to put it exactly, but he delves into material that could have been worked into whole other books. For example, he writes about the role of women in church. I am not sure that the topic relates to courtship specifically, and it was one of the chapters that most normal Christians would find offensive. (I am not saying that I was offended. I was not. Though I did not agree with every sentence.)

There is a lot of good in the book. As I said, I like his requirements for the man who my daughter should marry... I hope there is such a man available when my girls come of age. I will certainly be praying for such a man. And, Paul and I are all for protecting our daughters as much as we can from "unworthy" men. But, the idea of courtship assumes that children will be homeschooled and that girls will not go to college. And, if one of my daughters wants a college education for what she feels is God's leading in her life, I do not think we will keep her from college so that we can protect her longer. (Though we currently have NO intention of ever sending ANY child to live on campus!!!) Courtship also assumes that ladies will live with their parents until they are married. And, at this point, I do not think Paul or I would want to hold our girls captive at home if they wish to leave. We want them to stay home, of course, until they are married. But, we are not going to put them in a position where they would feel like they had to run away to have their own individuality.

NOW, let me clarify... I DO NOT THINK THAT VODDIE BAUCHAM'S BOOK WOULD LEAD TO ABUSIVE PARENTS RULING THEIR DAUGHTER'S LIVES! In fact, I have some quotes in a minute to show that point. BUT, I do think that there are unfortunately some fathers who have a mindset to CHOOSE a husband for his daughter and not let her leave until she marries HIS choice. We know... we have seen this. We have seen what I call "hyperpatriarchy" in action. And, it scares us to pieces!!! We have been greatly tempered by seeing the misuse of power of fathers we know. It shows us what we do not want to be. But again, I am NOT saying that this particular book leads to such actions.

Here is one quote to be considered:

Secondly, any man who overvalues male headship is likely to abuse my daughter and/or my grandchildren. (page 96 - original emphasis)

I couldn't agree more! There are, unfortunately, Christian men who are looking for a woman to be a doormat in the name of "patriarchy." We have seen in real life and read in blogs, books and articles - of whole families who seem to exist merely to serve and bring pleasure to the fathers and sons of the family. Hopefully this is NOT the norm, I really don't know. But, we have seen it enough to cause us fear of the very word "patriarchy." But, I digress. Here is another quote:

Thus we see in this instance the complete equality of the man and the woman (made from the same substance) and the distinction between the two. My daughter is no man's inferior. Any man who thinks of her as such is certainly not worthy of her hand in marriage. She is no less valuable to God than any man. She is no less an image-bearer. She is no less a servant of the King. (page 99 - original emphasis)

Amen! I chose this quote to again show that I do NOT think that Baucham is at all a hyperpatriarchal kind of guy. I think he makes some very solid observations.

I chose this last quote because it seems to sum up a lot of the theme of Baucham's book. I think this quote should help you understand what he is all about, and whether or not you are interested in reading the book:
Speaking of instilling a healthy focus in our daughters he says,

We must help them establish kingdom-minded relationships. We must help them develop and employ the gifts God has given them. And we must help them use their time to prepare for the man whom God will bring them as a husband or - for those with the supernatural gift of singleness - for a life completely devoted to God. (page 172)

I like that. I agree with that purpose.

Overall, I really did like the book. And, it gave me a lot of positive ideas to ponder regarding my daughters' futures. I am not writing this post to dissuade you from reading the book, I am just trying to be honest in my "review," so that you know what to expect if you do decide to read it.

I realize that some of my personal, interjected thoughts about patriarchy were tangents a little bit off the topic of this one particular book, and I do not mean for that to reflect on Baucham's book. It is just hard to write a review on a book of this topic, without hedging myself in a little. I kind of wanted to offer some of those thoughts as disclaimers, knowing that some people are violently opposed to any form of patriarchy because of what they have seen or what they imagine could happen.

I am glad that I read the book. And, I will be praying that the Lord will help me keep in mind the positive applications that were made. And, I will pray too that Paul and I will be guarded from any over-exuberance towards this idea that might be more damaging to our family. We want to be a healthy family, and that usually means taking bits and piece of a lot of books and mixing it into a melting pot for future use. Rarely will any of us read a book that we agree with 100%. But, we want to be open-minded and discerning too.

It is my prayer that this post has been helpful to you to decide whether or not you should read this book. I hope that you do. And, I hope that it grows your family together in love.

If you found my review unfair, please leave a comment to let me know - others will read it and it might be beneficial to them.